( Cut for triggers: not going to Thanksgiving dinner, my mother's anger with me, feeling to blame for family not being close, mother not acknowledging my abuse, not being able to pretend, writing a letter to my mother, possibly cutting my mother out of my life, mother being insensitive with her words, trying to figure out where to go from here, being held responsible for abuser's feelings, slight cussing to give voice to my own anger. Hope that's it.Collapse )
so I have something to say that may never be seen by the ones I want to say this too. Its to my parents after going to go see them the other day. It hurt and I know I really shouldn't have gone to go see them... But...they are my only family here... And I couldn't go home to mystic. I feel so left out during the holidays when everyone has there family and I have none that really doesn't count as a family considering all that they have put me through. This is all old news. I've just had to get this out. And may they never see this letter.
I just had to post this. Sorry if this is old news to my friends. If you guys do choose to read this.
I'm done now with the past stuff. A new year is begining soon. And to this, i will not dwell.
For now good-bye. With hope.
Hello, I am new here. I found this by searching through things on here. I am a survivor of sexual abuse and sexual assault. I deal with it everyday but soon enough I am sure I will overcome the feelings of guilt, betrayl, hurt, and sadness of it all. I have seen a lot for my little eyes of being so young. Again I will sure enough over come my feelings of that as well. I probably won't post my real name to here, but you can call me whatever nickname you thinks suits me. well, this is the entry I posted to my personal journal:
So, here I sit, looking at this woman who lies to me everytime I see her. Not able to reveal her true inner self. You must be thinking I am talking about myself, but that I am not. I can't tell you to whom I am talking about because if I go into further detail she will know. How is it you tell people to be open and honest about themselves, but you can't be honest about yourself? It almost makes me want to scream at her crying and asking her why she can't reveal that to me. How am I suppossed to be able to trust someone when they aren't honest to me about themselves. I hope she reads this because she will know whom she is. It intrieges me kind of. To know her, to want to know her. Why is it really my business? It's not. I just want to know more, to want more. Why is it that humans really want more? I guess I will never know. Maybe the answer lies somewhere between heaven and earth. Who is this woman staring at me every so often? I know WHO she is, but who is she really as a person? Why do I crave this knowledge of someone who doesn't really effect my well being and what happens to me? I don't know I guess, and to know is to want to know. That is all I have to say.
So Since today was my big four year anniversary...
I decided to just hang out with a friend to keep my mind off of things.
This is a guy friend who
Him and I have hooked up in the past but are just friends now.
I used to like him, but he chose to go with his ex over me...
Which was okay cause it was just a crush anyway.
So we stayed friends,
And they recently broke up,
I helped him through it,
And even snuck out of my house one night to be there for him.
He knew tonight was an anniversary of something bad for me.
Though he didn't know what exactly.
Long story short
we went to a movie,
and me being sad,
and wanting to feel loved,
wished he would hold my hand or something.
But of course he didnt.
I was stupid to wish it.
But like I said I was feeling
I guess he is talking to her again.
Which is cool.
I just have one question/ thought:
Where The Hell Are You God?!?!!?
Why are all these people around me.
All these girls.
And all these boys.
Fucking up twice as much as me
And they still have someone!?!
They have gone through half the heartache
Half the heartbreak,
That I have,
So why am I the one who is
STILL FUCKING ALONE?!?!?
What the hell did I do wrong???
Have I not tried to live with love in my heart,
Have I not tried not be bitter,
Have I not tried to show love and compassion to others,
even when my heart was breaking,
So when is my turn?!?!
Why haven't you answered my prayers???
Why am I still alone??
Are you listening?
Have you forgotten me?
Is my voice lost among the million others
That pray to you every night?
I need to know.
I need to understand.
I dont want to be alone anymore.
Please help me.
yes, you heard me right. it's MY TURN now. i have a new found freedom with that release of anger i had earlier. i have a confidence now that i have power. a power that puts ME in control. no one will ever take advantage of me again. i will only do what I WANT to do. I get to CHOOSE now. I set my boundaries and NO ONE gets to cross them unless I ALLOW them to. that includes justin, friends, family, enemies... it's MY TURN now and i get to choose. no...justin will not tell me what to do. church won't tell me what to do. IF i obey them it's because I wanted to, not because I have to or should. i guess i am feeling a little bit rebellious right now. i think that's a good thing... i was never allowed to explore and set my own boundaries before. can you tell i think i've discovered ME today? lol. well, i only pray i make wise decisions. cuz i'm gonna have to take full responsibility of them when i'm empowered and make them. but i get to make them now. justin may have his hands full...you all should pray for him! lol. i can already sense in my attitude the smell of independance and rebellion. i am kind of excited though that i get to learn, explore, choose. oh yes, it is all about me! lol. but i am powerful now. except that i can't get the lid off the apple juice right now...can anybody help me with that? grr... okay, so i'm pretty powerful, but not all the way yet. but that fixable...i'm gonna probably enroll in some death threatening sport now to gain what i lack! lol. but seriously, i want to explore my boundaries. enforce them my way. and choose when not to have them at all. it's my turn to decide and no one can make me do anything i don't want to. justin is glad for me for that, yet he said he is concerned i will begin to express everything i've always repressed as part of my brain healing.... i assume he means the teenage years i missed...the times when i should have rebelled but never did. maybe he's right? hmmmm... so i hope i make good decisions, i'm gonna have to remember God in all this. that i don't forget Him in my freedom. that if i desire to look for fulfillment in different areas i will remember that He is the One who satisfies. not the things of this world. but i think the door of temptation is opening. i hope i will pass, but at the same time, i will walk in the knowledge of grace. not that i will take grace for granted. i just want to make sure that if i do make mistakes i live them out in grace and learn from them. but i'm going to allow myself the freedom to choose, even if that means to choose wrongly and make mistakes. i just pray i will find my satisfaction in Christ so that i do not ruin what He has already done.
on a different note, justin asked me about what i am going to do if next time i talk to jeff he wants to discuss his past. i'm not saying i have this all certain yet, but here are my thoughts... one, the jeff i know today is not the jeff of early years who molested. *blah...i'm gonna have to wash my mouth out with soap for saying that 'm' word!* so i can remain his friend, however there are some boundaries that I am making. he may share, but in no way will i pity him or help him carry his burden of shame and guilt-period! no matter what his sob story or home life was like...no matter if he had it done to him first. it is no excuse. i will grant him sympathy if that is the case, but no excuse. i am glad he is remorseful and willing to struggle to overcome, however, i WILL NOT allow him to share just so that he feels better about himself. I WiLL NOT carry the burden of the abuser and the victim. he must carry it all by himself. if he wants help with that, he will have to seek it elsewhere like in counseling. I WILL NOT comfort him in this. I will NOT validate his experience or downplay what he did because he is my friend. NO, because he is my friend i will be brutally honest with him, if he asks i will tell him what an awful and shameful thing this is that he did. and i will let him swallow that reality by himself. i will not be mean to him for the sake of being mean or vengeful, but i will not apologize for revealing the harsh reality of it. i will not apologize for any consequences that may result from that. i will not carry any of his blame. he must take it in full responsibility. i may use him to gain insight into the mind of a beast, to maybe help answer some unresolved questions. not to counsel him in it, but for my own sake. i will let him know honestly how it makes me feel. and if i at any time want to cease talking about it, i will end the conversation at my choosing. he is my friend, but this is MY COURT! you play by MY RULES now or you don't play at all. *ahem*
so these are MY boundaries. this is MY LIFE. these are MY RULES enforced with MY POWER. and i will hurt you till you see the ends of yesterday and tomorrow meet if you break them. when i say "NO!" i mean "NOOOO!!!!!" got it??? victims aren't as weak as you think. i am not here to dump on. i am moving on. you can stay here if you want, but i ain't picking up your weight for you! i will NOT carry your shame for you. It is MY TURN NOW!!!!!
BOOM! Hear the thunder? I am moving on. don't mess with me any longer. you will regret it!