Todays's Daily Om newsletter felt particularly helpful.
I am just sharing it here. :)
Freeing Up Energy
Healing What Hurts
Many of us go through our lives being aware of a well of pain that has been under our daily awareness for so long we aren’t even sure where it comes from. It almost seems as if it’s part of who we are, or the way we see the world, but it’s important to realize that this pain is something that needs to be acknowledged and processed. The longer we sit on it, the harder it is to work through, and the more likely it is that we will be forced to acknowledge it as it makes itself known to us in ways we can’t predict. Rather than waiting for this to happen, we can empower ourselves by identifying the pain and resolving to take action toward healing it.
The very thought of this brings up feelings of resistance in most of us, especially if, on the surface, our lives seem to be in order. It’s difficult to dig up the past and go into it unless we are being seriously inconvenienced by the hurt. The thing is, when we are carrying the burden of our unprocessed pain, sooner or later it will inconvenience us. If we can be brave and proactive, we can save ourselves a lot of future suffering and free up the energy that is tied up in keeping the pain down.
There are many ways to do this, but the first step is to recognize the pain and honor it by moving our awareness into it. In this process, even if it’s just five minutes during meditation, we will begin to have a sense of what the pain is made of. It might be fear of abandonment, childhood abuse, anger at being mistreated, or some other long held wound. As we sit with the pain, we will also have a sense of whether we can deal with it by ourselves or not. It may be time to work with a counselor or form a healing circle with close friends. Whatever path you choose, resolve to go deep into the pain so that you can release it fully, and set yourself free. Remember, it is never too late in life to heal what hurts, and there is never a better time than now.
I know in my soul recovery is possible. I feel it to the depths of my being. I have been to the darkest of places in my mind's eye and come out on the other side, time and time again. It has cycled for me. There have been periods of despair and confusion I never thought would end, but they did, and I was granted reprieve after reprieve. I am changing. I am growing. I am evolving. While I am still experiencing the effects of the situations I lived through during my lifetime, they are not as profound, not as gripping, and not as paralyzing as previously during my journey. There is hope. As long as there is breath, there is hope.
I have a lot on my mind, which isn't unusual for me. I am a thinker by nature. I joke about someone can say something to me today and I will respond two weeks later. I like to process things in my own time.
I am a laid back, go with the flow kinda person.
Anyway I say all of that just to simply say I have been thinking.
I realized something today. I am the only one responsible for what happens to me from now on. I have had a crappy past, my parents, the rape, cutting, my parents being sick...a lot of things I didn't choose, some that I did.
But now I have a choice. I have to at some point distance myself from the hurt, accept it for what it is, and what it was...and then move on.
I am responsible to learn new ways to cope, ways that weren't modeled for me.
This is so tough. But I know I must learn to trust again. So much hurt has taken place, and I don't want to invite anymore in. However I can't live like this. so I have to make the decision to either live or not, and because I want to live then I have to really live.
Anyway so here goes, I am ready to really heal.
So for Christmas, I got books. Two costuming books from my friends in England, and gift cards for more books from my mom and my aunt and uncle. I also got two CDs (also from the British friends), a bunch of kitchen stuff (from Mom), and a gift card for BP gas stations (from my stepdad). Hey, at least it's practical; I can get gas and smokes. (Yes, I smoke, I know--naughty naughty.)
I went and spent my gift cards for the bookstores today. I replaced my Medieval Calligraphy book that got lost in the move, bought a book with the startling premise that Chaucer was murdered, and (because of this community) I bought two Pema Chodron books, The Places That Scare Us and The Wisdom of No Escape, both of which seemed intriguing. We shall see how helpful Buddhism is. *grin*
Any recommendations on which I should read first? I was leaning toward The Wisdom of No Escape, having just come off a suicide attempt a week or so ago.
I think this is the first time that I've posted in this community, but I have been lurking for a long time. I felt that I should post because I feel that I'm starting to have some issues with my past once again. This is my story, copied from another entry. It's sometimes too much to try and write it all out again.( My Former relationshipCollapse )( my concernCollapse )
- Tags:abuse: emotional, abuse: physical, abuse: sexual, coercion, healing, introductions, processing, rape: intimate partner, relationships, seeking opinions, seeking support