PUBLIC POST( Discussion of self-blame.Collapse )
This week's questions are:
- What do you blame yourself for regarding your abuse?
- What are you "achieving" via your own self-blame? (Does it help you explain your abuse? Is it connected to self-injury, etc.?)
- What things--words, books, people, poetry, experiences, etc.--have helped you to realize that the abuse--or even just pieces of your abuse history--was not your fault?
- How are you learning to forgive yourself?
First, I'd like to apologize for this going up so late.( Cut for triggers: talk of abuse and shameCollapse )
This week's questions:
- Do you now, or did you ever, feel ashamed for having been raped or abused?
- How did that shame affect your processing of your abuse? Did it hinder your ability to process and heal?
- How have you been able to stop feeling shame? What advice would you have to other survivors on not feeling ashamed?
Deeply apologize for the lack of detailing triggers initially.
I’ve been thinking about personal responsibility of late. I started this after I was listening to one of the presidential candidates talking about personal responsibility and the like, and the fact that we need to take more responsibility for our own actions, rather than blaming other people, the “system”, or other convenient scapegoats for our problems.
Thinking on that, and thinking on what happened yesterday (when I realized the extent of my burden on society), I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer hide behind the excuses of childhood events, especially when I was an active participant, not an innocent victim, in some of the events I whine about. ( Details behind the cut. Triggers for alledged child sexual abuse, implied child prostitution, feelings of guilt, admissions om complicity in abuse.Collapse )
I'm sorry to bother you guys, I just don't know what to do and I can't talk to anyone.
My names Ryan, I'm 18, and I'm really really scared.
I'm sorry it's so scrappy and disconnected, my head is really messed up right now.
someone help me? please?
Personalizing a situation is when we assume some sort of blame or responsibility for it. Most survivors tend to over-personalize, feeling guilt or blame for situations that they had no fault in whatsoever.
So many abusers program us to believe that everything is our fault. If they had a horrible day at work, we are expected to know in advance, lest we trigger their anger. They tell us that their choice to abuse us is our fault. We can even be blamed for things we could never even have forseen, let alone been responsible for!
It can be hard to break that habit, to remember that not everything is our fault, but it's an important one in our recovery. If we can remember that when our friends are hurting, that it's not our fault (when it's not our fault, of course!), we can be better support for them. Though it's a difficult process to start, it's one that can ultimately free up a lot of extra energy for us all.
This week's questions are:
- Do you tend to personalize situations that are not your fault or responsibility?
- If so, when does this usually happen? Is it more with friends and family or more at work or school?
- Was there someone from your past who used to place extra blame on you?
- How can you remind yourself not to over-personalize? How can you remind yourself that it's not your fault?