How do you deal with the intense flashbacks? My story is a horrible trigger, but if you wish to kind of understand you can view it in my journal. My problem is that I'll be laying in my bed or my living room, but it's as though I'm not there. I look around and I see HIS bedroom, HIS livingrom, and the panic sets in. It takes several seconds before I can find something to ground me, trigger me back into reality. But by then the dominoes have fallen, and the flashback continues until I've ended up reliving the entire experience. My counselor has simply said I need to work on putting those memories away, and only taking them out in bits and pieces I can deal with, but it's ridiculously hard to do that when the flashbacks aren't even triggered sometimes by anything around me that I know of! I'm on medication, but I refuse to remain totally drugged up to avoid thinking at all, I need to work, and have a life. My husband helps sometimes by rubbing my back etc, but I don't want to drag him into it at every flashback. I mean sometimes I wake up at three in the morning with it happening.
okay. i am alone in the office with two boys. i thought i would be okay, but now i'm feeling ucky. tense. fearful. breathing shallow and weird. jumpy. i did the "hold your finger" thing that the councelor lady said to do. i don't remember which finger she said to hold for what feeling, but i tried the thumb. it worked a little. i just went to the bathroom and i stayed in there for a little while. i couldn't get myself to open the door for a few minutes. it's not really effecting my work or outward appearance, but i feel... scared? i mean, i'm not scared of these boys, i know them and have worked with them before. but, this time boss-lady isn't in the office with me. i don't know why i feel like this but i feel like i'm hyperventalataing. breathe - breathe - breathe! i cannot continue like this. it isn't healthy. i HAVE to be able to work with boys if needed. oh gawd, what do i do? this cannot continue. everything looks kinda black round the edges - no, not really, it just feels that way. my eyes are going wonky. back muscles are tense and hurty. my heart's going a mile a minute. i can't seem to breathe or relax. they're just boys. they're harmless and wouldn't even *touch* me with a pinky finger. i have GOT to calm down.
just sharing, i suppose. gotta get it all out. any advice on how to calm down and get back to reality - logical reality - that i can do in the office?
things are good... relatively. i like my job alot. I'm getting faster at it (which is good, cuz i was really slow at first being that they haven't really trained me on much). I hope they hire me.
went to my nearly last survivor's group at church tonight. all we have left is the finale party. tonight was open question night. i asked 3 questions: What's a good technique to handle triggers? Do you have any suggestions for helping learn how to enjoy having intimacy and sex... without fears? and What does a healthy/un-healthy guy friendship look like? ...i'm feeling somewhat alienated. Apparently, i'm the only one in the group who deals with not wanting to be sexual...cuz noone could relate to me. All of them had the opposite issue... how to tighten the reigns on their sex drives. so they had no suggestions really... cuz they all already enjoy sex. they didn't have any ideas for handling triggers...other than maybe try to desensitize myself. and noone could say what a good guy friendship looks like besides saying it would look the same essentially as a good girl friendship but that they all have issues on friendships and can't really give advice. ...but then that gets confused for me because i'm not good at good girl friendships either. and further confusion comes in recognizing that to some extent i may at times have inappropriate/homo like feelings towards a woman... and they said that if you're married you shouldn't have emo convos with your guy friends... but that means for me i also can't have them with my girl friends... and that leaves me alone. oh, and she said that in marriage it's not fair that my abuse should affect my husband... so when i'm triggered in sex or something i just need to lay myself and my issues aside till later, pretend everythings ok and go on with sex because it's not fair to him and my body belongs to him. i can't expect him to be faithful if i can't give him any. i always thought that philosophy was malarky... but i must confess that i now feel like a total failure and like i'm being sent back to my past tortures of not having any rights over my body and sexuality. ...so much for survivor's group to help me. i give up. why bother? it's not for me anyways. it's just for him. right? yeah. just for him. i'm meant to be alone, friendless, in a place without safety... and my purpose is to be my husband's blow up doll. ...so, anyone want to screw me? i'm not allowed to say "no" or "wait"... blah.
...and was gonna touch on the bankruptcy issue... but now don't feel up to it. please keep praying for me all of you who do that sort of thing or are willing to try... :) i need you guys right now. please tell me i'm worth more than my vagina... i hate myself. am such a loser...