well, so im back. from cape cod. and wow, its wasn't as scary as i thought it would be!
a week ago i started to have these weird feelings...well, feelings that i couldn't be around men for a while... like no men at all. didn't really feel comfortable by myself... only with like Amy, Mike and Shawn because i didn't feel threatened by them.
but i read some chapters in my psychology text and my human sexuallity text. both were about repressed memories and trauma/sexual abuse effects. it described how a person can have repressed memories and have a really hard time trying to remember anything. i already know for sure this was my rape. but it also described False Memories, memories which didn't really happen but a therapist or other person, or the person themself, comes to believe that something happend that didn't really happen.
then i read an article in a newpaper or magazine somewhere that described these people who basically, started an organization to protect or against people who were accused of "false" rape. like adults, parents accused of incest, etc.
i think reading about this and a recent visit from an ex of mine, started the wheels in my head... turning... the approaching weekend with my dad for the first day of scallop season freaked me out!!! i mean seriously, i was panicking again.
but i REALLY felt bad, or stupid, or not loving, or betrayful for QUESTIONING my past history with.......my father.
i thought "why am i questioning if i was molested by my father? what if something DID happen? would i remember?"
Thinking these things about my dad made me feel terribly confused and scared. My father is a man who just can't wait for his daughter to FINALLY come to Cape Cod where he grew up and participate in an activity that he has done every year since he was young, always gives me a warm hug when he sees me, always wants to show me the flower in the garden he planted and tell me what kind of spice it is :) lol or show me a garden spider and explain how its web works to catch flies. he wants me to plant seeds and bulbs with him... or go for a walk with him and the dog. he wants to show me things on the computer and still thinks of me as his little girl... and on and on and on...
my mind kept filling with all of these reasons WHY my dad "couldn't have" molested me. my experience with him, told me this was a WRONG, BAD, "EVIL OF ME" feeling to have about my own father. I felt guilty.
so i told shawn, then Amy, then my mom finally. I thought she would be ashamed. i thought they would all think that i was "crying wolf" so to speak, like, "oh here nicole goes again! won't she ever just let it go?!"...
but that's not what shawn, amy, or my mom said. shawn told me he completely understands why i would feel that way, and im not strange or "evil" to think like that. Amy told me "your just working through a lot of stuff right now, hun. It's normal to start thinking or feeling lots of different stuff, your remembering [in therapy] some pretty hard stuff to deal with. Its only a feeling you can't help the way that you feel."
and when i told my mom, that honestly i felt uncomfortable around any male right now, she said first what i was so scared of her asking me "you don't think dad ever REally did anything to you, do you nicole? i don't think he has a bone in his body that would want to try to hurt you." i responded "no this is just how i feel" and my mom said to me... " i completely understand why you would feel that way. i understand that its not daddy its just the way you are feeling right now."
and i agreed! in fact i realized that i was blown away by the understanding.
I thought i would be ostracized for questioning if my father was incestuous. i still live with him!
but i think that with some time spent talking to my therapist about this feeling i should be able to work through it before next weekend... hopefully. so that my mom doesn't have to go all the way to the cape with me again so i won't feel weird!
Possibly off-topic – posting this here because I’ve read posts here about how these types of comments really hurt people…
I went to a young men's conference last spring. It was a pretty kewl experience, and the speakers there made sure to talk about what being a "man" means without demeaning people of other genders. However, my counselor wasn't that kewl. He was one of the chaperons and made some nasty comments while getting everyone together - stuff along the lines of we're men, not women, here and can thus behave, be quiet, etc. Equating man with good because it does not equal woman. I realize that this is pretty common for guys to say, esp. when girls aren't around. That doesn't make it less sickening, esp. since he's supposed to be a role model. After brooding over this for a few months (I did NOT feel comfortable speaking out, esp. since I'm FTM and a lot of the people there didn't even know that), I've decided that I should write him a letter explaining why his comments were inappropriate. The thing is, I still don't really know how to go about it. I know that it’s insulting to men to have their whole identity be not women”, that it feeds into violence against women/rape/homophobia, and that any closeted MTFs would be really hurt. But how do I make that clear? Esp. the stuff about how this sets up a culture of violence – how do I frame that argument, are there any numbers I could cite, anything?