The other thing I've been thinking about has to do with reality. I've always had a feeling my father sexual abused me. But those thoughts were silenced by the other abuser. But I wonder if I'm creating my own reality. If my thoughts equal my reality....and I keep saying...."I think my father abused me.....I feel something bad happened when I was younger"......am I creating that? I know it's a bit silly to ask. Perhaps it's because I don't remember my past I question. Because I've never been told for sure. All I know is how my body responds in certain situations and the messages my body gives. That flashes that I've had. I really don't believe I'm making any of this up. I'm learning to trust myself and my body. If I get flahes of images and I respond to them I know they are real....even if I"m not validated on it. But that's the thing.....I'm not validated......
What happens when you don't remember you past at all? What about "fake memories"?
I guess I question too cause part of me wonders if I should just forget it all. Just move forward with my life. But I tried that already. I did that from 20-24. Probally as a kid too...as a way to survive. It doesn't work. It just covers it up. One is still affected by it even if you never ackowledge it.
This is something I'm passionate about. "False memory syndrome" - which, by the way does *not* exist in the diagnostics manual is a tool that many use to keep abuse survivors silent or discredited.
When our memories first resurface, there is so much to take in, so much pain to relive. Our brains do their best to do damage control. Many times, this happens by creating a metaphor-memory: a memory that is historically and visually inaccurate to elicit the same *emotion* we went through in that moment.
The process is similar to movies, in a way. Just like you can see a movie, that in no way physically resembles your own life, you can find a connection, empathize - feel that same feeling. That's how those memories function. They are not *false* memories - they are memories that are 100% honest, and wrapped in a metaphorical wrapper.
People are so ignorant sometimes. They think these memories are a sign that somehow we survivors "made it up" - when the truth is that as the years pass - we get the original, accurate, gruesome memories that went with that feeling. Given time, and therapy, all those "false" memories are proven 100% true and accurate emotionally - and we finally have that key.
People use "false memory syndrome" as a shield. It helps them live in a world that is lacking in sexual predators and create a world of brains gone haywire, which for them is easier to handle.
Most people will never know how many people are sexually abused. Most people don't realize that 1 in 3 people are. Most people don't know that 1 in 10 children are sexually abused by a relative, or that 1 in 4 are sexually abused by anyone.
It's our job to raise that awareness. We don't have to shout and scream (although that is very empowering and feels great when we can!), but if all we do is teach one more person how many people are sexually abused - or hell, abused at all - we've improved the world.
well, so im back. from cape cod. and wow, its wasn't as scary as i thought it would be!
a week ago i started to have these weird feelings...well, feelings that i couldn't be around men for a while... like no men at all. didn't really feel comfortable by myself... only with like Amy, Mike and Shawn because i didn't feel threatened by them.
but i read some chapters in my psychology text and my human sexuallity text. both were about repressed memories and trauma/sexual abuse effects. it described how a person can have repressed memories and have a really hard time trying to remember anything. i already know for sure this was my rape. but it also described False Memories, memories which didn't really happen but a therapist or other person, or the person themself, comes to believe that something happend that didn't really happen.
then i read an article in a newpaper or magazine somewhere that described these people who basically, started an organization to protect or against people who were accused of "false" rape. like adults, parents accused of incest, etc.
i think reading about this and a recent visit from an ex of mine, started the wheels in my head... turning... the approaching weekend with my dad for the first day of scallop season freaked me out!!! i mean seriously, i was panicking again.
but i REALLY felt bad, or stupid, or not loving, or betrayful for QUESTIONING my past history with.......my father.
i thought "why am i questioning if i was molested by my father? what if something DID happen? would i remember?"
Thinking these things about my dad made me feel terribly confused and scared. My father is a man who just can't wait for his daughter to FINALLY come to Cape Cod where he grew up and participate in an activity that he has done every year since he was young, always gives me a warm hug when he sees me, always wants to show me the flower in the garden he planted and tell me what kind of spice it is :) lol or show me a garden spider and explain how its web works to catch flies. he wants me to plant seeds and bulbs with him... or go for a walk with him and the dog. he wants to show me things on the computer and still thinks of me as his little girl... and on and on and on...
my mind kept filling with all of these reasons WHY my dad "couldn't have" molested me. my experience with him, told me this was a WRONG, BAD, "EVIL OF ME" feeling to have about my own father. I felt guilty.
so i told shawn, then Amy, then my mom finally. I thought she would be ashamed. i thought they would all think that i was "crying wolf" so to speak, like, "oh here nicole goes again! won't she ever just let it go?!"...
but that's not what shawn, amy, or my mom said. shawn told me he completely understands why i would feel that way, and im not strange or "evil" to think like that. Amy told me "your just working through a lot of stuff right now, hun. It's normal to start thinking or feeling lots of different stuff, your remembering [in therapy] some pretty hard stuff to deal with. Its only a feeling you can't help the way that you feel."
and when i told my mom, that honestly i felt uncomfortable around any male right now, she said first what i was so scared of her asking me "you don't think dad ever REally did anything to you, do you nicole? i don't think he has a bone in his body that would want to try to hurt you." i responded "no this is just how i feel" and my mom said to me... " i completely understand why you would feel that way. i understand that its not daddy its just the way you are feeling right now."
and i agreed! in fact i realized that i was blown away by the understanding.
I thought i would be ostracized for questioning if my father was incestuous. i still live with him!
but i think that with some time spent talking to my therapist about this feeling i should be able to work through it before next weekend... hopefully. so that my mom doesn't have to go all the way to the cape with me again so i won't feel weird!
thanks to everyone who replyed to my last post. i guess that i am just really unsure of how you distinguish if you are in fact having flashbacks... or if a traumitzed mind is just playing tricks? like is there a stream of thought or memmories or something that i should just be noticing? does anyone reccomend like hypnosis or something to unearth this crap or tell me a little bit more about what i need to figure out? i just feel like some of the memories about my dad, could be true, but i really don't want to think they are... i guess they could also be figmets of my imagination... i duno. just curious. it will probably take more time to get to the bottom of this stuff.
like im scared to be making up bad "repressed false" memories about my father. i really do love him to death and i don't understand why i would be questioning myself like this right now if there wasn't a reason? i duno. can anyone help me to understand why i might be having feelings like something happened to me, done by my father, repressed, even though over the years i can not right now think of any one time where i might have thought so?