pps. sorry for the spelling errors.
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I write posts to put in here... I write them in my head and then never find the time to put them out here. I know it's unhealthy - I know I'd feel better if I could spill it all out here... to people who really understand... but somehow I never find the time.
I'm avoiding help again.
I'll have to write in here sometime soon... All the things that are floating in my head.
Until then... Happy New Year, lovelies! May this year be one of heart warmth and growth.
So I had my session on tuesday. We broke some ground.
This really sucks!!
I'm working in my workbook right now and I realize now more than ever that I hardly ever feel anything. Yeah. I know I'm sad or angry or happy. But outside of those emotions I don't feel. I'm naming my abuser in the book and my father (whom I think might have). I feel energy boiling inside of me...but on the outside I'm nuetral. I know I'm feeling so much more than I let on and it's a pain in the ass that I can't even label them let alone feel them! I want to feel. I want to know I can feel. It makes feel like I'm dead being like this......
Please tell me I'll be able to feel someday......
How'd you work it out....
Thing is, apart from the obvious pain and ickiness, it's been a bit of a breeze. Nothing in my life, nothing has been able to mess me around as much as the abuse I suffered throughout my life. When this is over, I will have a scar I can see. I was never able to see the scars I endured since my childhood, and for years I told myself they weren't there.
I am so goddamn strong, but I don't think I know of any other way to be. It hurts, but I get up, get on with things - went on a gay pride march yesterday, got back, changed my dressings, took some painkillers, and got back on the visibility stall I was helping to run. But I'm not sure I want to be this strong. I don't want to have had such a thick skin built up that nothing really hurts any more. I want to be able to be freaked out by a cancer scare, rather than approaching every day with the motto of "Ah well, still not dead!"
In short, I wish I was never turned into this emotional stone by the bastards who abuse me. I want my feelings back.
cut for triggers
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