This week's Thought-Stirring Questions related to control are:
How has your own personal perception of your control over yourself varied because of your abuse (before/during/after)?
How, if at all, do/did you attempt to maintain a semblance of control while experiencing abuse?
How do you try/have you tried to regain that control in your life now? Are there particular areas, activities or feelings that you focus on?
Are there some things that you don't want or need control over in your life? How does this benefit your recovery?
How do you think your own behaviors might affect others' need for control? Has this changed since your abuse?
Some survivors might first attempt to control things intensely, only to realize that it's way too much, then drop back down to being completely out of control, only to realize that that's not enough, and then repeat the cycle in smaller "waves" until we get the right balance. Have you experienced this? How did you evaluate for yourself that certain levels of control were "too much" or "not enough"? How have you attempted to move closer to finding a balance for yourself?
Today I got an e-mail from my mother in which she said that, since I "refuse" to have a relationship with her, she will no longer be providing me with any financial support.
I'm just kind of stunned. Dizzy. Unreal.
I didn't refuse to have a relationship with her; I told her I would be happy to talk to her and spend time with her as long as she was respectful to me. She won't treat me with respect, and I can't keep exposing myself to that.
I have $5000. It's my money but in an account in my grandmother's name for financial aid reasons. My grandparents set up a Uniform Gift to Minors account when I was born, and it matured when I turned 19. I can use that until....
What I *want* to do is sue her and my father both. See, the divorce decree specifies that each of them is legally required to pay half of my college costs, and neither one has been abiding by that decree. Technically that's contempt of court. But it would cost more to hire an attorney and go through all that court crap than I would probably get back. I've learned the hard way that the courts rarely go as far as to actually *enforce* those rulings, since my father still owes $6000 in back child support on me from a ruling almost a year ago.
I feel so lost right now...head spinning...spacey...dissociative...having trouble grounding....
I have an insane need to share my story. I've kept quiet about it long enough, and I'm bursting in need of support; people who know what I'm going through, people who care.
As survivors of abuse, we have felt the pain of being forced under someone else's control. For many survivors, because of that loss of control, we often feel safest when we have some aspect of control over a situation. Whether it's needing to know a restaurant before feeling safe eating there, or whether it's needing to have our pots and pans put away in the same spot each time - many of us have some aspects of our lives that we need control over to feel safe. As long as we're able to temper that need for control with the ability to find safety when we're not
Many of us, at one point or another, have also stepped into an unhealthy (or less healthy) aspect of needing control. Sometimes that control comes in the form of eating disorders - controlling our weight to feel beautiful or okay. Sometimes that control comes in needing to obsessively clean our living area to feel safe. Often, the unhealthy ways are things almost like addictions - they're very hard to stop doing, as they are usually one of very few things that make us feel like at last we are in control of *something*
For many of us, our loss of control during our trauma can lead to both healthy and unhealthy needs for control, so this week we'll focus on those.
This week's questions are: - In what ways do you need control to feel safe or secure? - Are there any unhealthy ways in which you need control?
Bonus question: - If you have the unhealthy (or less healthy) needs for control: Are there healthier ways of getting control to give you a similar security?
Remember - it's 100% okay if you have a not-so-healthy need for control over certain aspects of your life. A majority of us have also been through it, and know how much you do need those pieces of control, even if they're not so good for you. Talking about these needs can sometimes help you find ways to get healthier things in your life, so please feel free to talk or just listen!
Thanks for all your input. Part of it is just being scared and wanting to be in control. So I probably have an instinctual lash-out toward any threatening phrases, even if they aren't true, or even that threatening.
Right now I am working on hope, and the very scary fear of Vicki not going to therapy. I can't make her go. I can't go for her. She's cried and expressed she needs and wants therapy...but she can be a procrastinator. I'm afraid she'll make up too many excuses, out of fear.
We've been hanging on for almost three years despite this. I think we both see it as enough to fight for. So I need to work on just sitting back and supporting her.
That's probably what the underlying subject was in my post.
anxious