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I tried to make this short but it's hard to cut it all down, so I really appreciate any one whose read this far. If you have any relevant advice on how to manage this, we'd really appreciate it.
EDIT: I've tried to use the more universal term "CPS" (child protective services), but I may have slipped and written "DCF" once or twice, which is my area's local name for the same agency.
I've told my husband a few things. First things first, if I'm ever contemplating a lasting relationship with someone, which has only been two people, I tell them I was abused as a child, just so they know. But I've never really told anyone more than that, that was, until about a month ago. I told my husband what I didn't like and reasons behind it, crying my eyes out the entire time. I think he has much more respect for me now, now that he knows some of the details behind it.
I'm also doing this so that maybe I can talk to my soon to be social worker about it. For years all my therapists have said I need to talk about it, but I can't. I don't even remember things. But the last year has gotten really bad for intrusive flashbacks, and I think I'm finally ready to tackle the problem. I want the horrors to stop. Maybe getting it out to a group of people who I don't have to see react to my statements will help.
So it's time for that life-saving LJ cut for the sad story of a child that's been silent for so many years. This is going to be long, so I warn you ahead of time.
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Wow. That was unbelievebly difficult and took forever to write. I didn't proof read it either, so I hope there's not too many mistakes. Plus, if I left something out then that only gives me more reason to contribute later. I hope no one got discouraged. I've never told anyone any of that. I actually feel light now, like I could float away. It's amazing, you hear of people saying how much better they feel to talk about it, but you can't imagine how it feels until you do the same thing. Thanks for those of you who stuck through it and read everything. I can imagine how difficult it can be.
I suppose that this actually might help. Now that everything's out there, I no longer have anything to hide it should be easier to talk about it. Thank you everyone for being here and supporting me through the good and the bad. I know it seems there is more bad than good in our lives, but it's all on a matter of perspective.
I love you and hope the best for all of you. Thank you again.
So...Child Protective Services are comming to my hosue on the 11th...so I thought "Why not do a little reserch on them,....heres the fucking sick adn twised site I found..have fun
this bullshit made me cry.
That's coming up awfully soon...and I'm panicking.
What if they don't believe me? Sure as hell the cops and the CPS didn't believe me. They even wrote in their police report that I was "irrational and out of control". They believed him without even talking with me. I just don't want this strange woman looking at me like I'm something filthy and unclean.
I know I have to go. I made the appointment and I know I have to do this for my own good, because I need help before my depression slides down further.
I'm freaking out there. I don't know if I can do this. I wish one of my friends was going with me. My hands are shaking and my heart is pounding. My chest feels tight and my head is aching. What if I have a panic attack in there, or worse yet, a flashback?
I don't know if I can do this.