im struggling alot, I have read alot of peoples amazing stories trying feel better about how I feel and for the most part I feel unworthy of telling my story as I havnt got all or most of the pieces and what I do have scare me or I get paranoid its my over active imagination and Im self seeking and looking for someone to blame. I have borderline personality disorder, Im 31, Irish and in alot of pain. I have started to see a therapist but the service is probably getting cut and I dont have health insurance. Im dissociating worse than ever and find it very hard to tune into whats real( Collapse )very disorganised I apologise its my first attempt and im all over the place!
I may have a disease such as Cileacs, Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis. I went to the doctor last week and she weighed me. I've gained weight twice in the year and a half that I've been living out of home.(There are other symptoms that aren't relevant here) It turns out I've gained 20 kg in total. Weight and nutrition is a known trigger for me but I do need to get diagnosed. Mum has always gone on and on about it and maybe borderline on an ed. Problem is feeling depressed about it is stopping me from going to bed.
I think I'd be a lot more optimistic about my future if I knew there was someone to share it with...whether that be a boyfriend a friend or even a companion, someone I could go somewhere with...anywhere. Currently, I have a boyfriend, but ironicly, now that the major issues (PTSD and some Borderline stuff) that have tainted our relationship for so long have resolved themselves he's not so sure he wants to stick around...just in case they really haven't resolved themselves. All he has is my word and I think that isn't enough for him. The distance he's keeping me at is killing me and I'm terrified that if he leaves I will not be able to manage without him. He's been everything to me good and bad for the last 2 years. My savior, my confidant...I can't just replace him, but he seems like he'd do just fine without me...in fact, he even told me this. He says he still loves me, but how can you love someone and at the same time not care if you ever see them again??? Sometimes I think he's just staying out of guilt, which I'm more than willing to accept. The last time we "broke up" (this happens often) I became hysterical.
Sometimes I don't see the benefit of working on all of my problems. When they are all over and done with I'll still be alone, just like I am right now...with no one to share my progress and new found self with.
It's sad that the most pleasant mood I am in is when I'm at work interacting with other people. After 5pm I go home to my empty apartment with my cat left with nothing but my thoughts of suicide to accompany me and my many available pills to do the deed with.
I feel like this is the end. The peak of my life really was when I was 19, not long before I was raped. I still can't comprehend that this is my reality only at the age of 24.
I'm so paniced at how to pull everything together. I worry that I'm not strong enough to do so.