My name is Andrea and I'm 17 years old... i've finally come to terms with myself and decided to ask for help, but somehow I'm not extremely comfortable with talking to anyone I know...
So here goes the into event... I guess?
Paul was my friend since the third grade; that's about 8 years now. He was like another brother to me. We'd do just about everything together. May of 2004 changed things though... Matt, asked me to write this down so I don't start to think of it as 'no big deal'. I've only ever told him the details of this incident. Everyone else got either got Paul's side of the story or no story at all...
I guess it could be triggering. It was taken directly from the notebook that I wrote it down in that night after, so it is in both present and past tense sometimes. Sorry if you see this twice and for the length...( Cross Posted...Collapse )
I can't trust guys anymore, with the exception of my boyfriend, Matthew. Everytime a guy gets near me, I tense up and get scared that he'll try the same thing. I'll pull friends in close to me emotionally without the ability to be near them comfortably. My friends(mostly guys) and I will go away and end up getting packed into a small car... I can only stare out the window because they're too close. Outside is freedom to run away and disappear, inside is just another place where I'm stuck with no place to run to.
I've taken to a few bad habits since last summer. Not smoking or drinking, I value my brain cells, but when I can't handle things, my skin tends to suffer. Usually I can write my way out of my depression, but I've had plenty of nights alone in my mind.
How can I learn to trust again?
P.S. I'm so sorry for how long this is.