So anxious. I don't know why. An anniversary is coming up and that's been kind of on my mind, but it's still 1.5 months away. It's just bothering me and I feel really uncomfortable right now and unsafe. I have so much going through my brain right now. I'm sorry to take up space in the community with my post.
i have been hesitant to write - which is a very strange thing for me :)
my biggest fear in situations like this, is an inadvertent "pimping" of another's pain or experience... deep within me, at my core, i have a sense of violation. of a dirtiness so apart of me, it cannot be separated from anything i seek to say or do.
but i have tried to be open and learn about the cause of this sullied place within me and as of this writing have found no source.
i remember certain things but these things remain nebulous... shadowy and so inexact, they fail description.
i want to say right here and right now that i KNOW SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME....
because i feel it is true,
but i do not know. not for sure.
my symptoms, and sensations and dissociative-altering triggers speak volumes about something only whispered.
can i possibly be a survivor of only a screwed up sense of memory?
a made up trauma/violation?
can what i fear and feel be anything but what i sense it to be?
i was afraid to take away from those who know they were made broken by claiming only an un-proveable sense of such brokenness.
and if i have offended in anyway, please forgive me - truly.
xoxo
anxious
confused
crazy