Hey, Well this is my first post here. I'm new to the LJ communities, i dont know if this is the best place to put this but i do need help and advice. Sorry if it triggers for anyone, or isn't the right spot to post this sort of thing. You can delete it if it is.
I'm in counseling, trying to recover, but my husband has made this somewhat difficult. He's angry about the attack, particulary because it was one of his friensd who did it. He doesn't want to go to counseling, but he's so angry all the time. He's stopped sleeping, and occasionally tries to talk to me about it, but he gets accusatory. He blames me for so mcuh of it still, and when we try to talk about it I end up regressing in my recovery bceause I relive to much, and end up back blaming myself for more than I should. How have you helped your significant others in recovery? This all happened recently, in july of this year, I want to give him the time he needs, but he doesn't know how to recover. He's even said he's not ready to move past it or get over it yet because he wants answers, but he's never going to get justice or answers because the case has been dropped.
yes, you heard me right. it's MY TURN now. i have a new found freedom with that release of anger i had earlier. i have a confidence now that i have power. a power that puts ME in control. no one will ever take advantage of me again. i will only do what I WANT to do. I get to CHOOSE now. I set my boundaries and NO ONE gets to cross them unless I ALLOW them to. that includes justin, friends, family, enemies... it's MY TURN now and i get to choose. no...justin will not tell me what to do. church won't tell me what to do. IF i obey them it's because I wanted to, not because I have to or should. i guess i am feeling a little bit rebellious right now. i think that's a good thing... i was never allowed to explore and set my own boundaries before. can you tell i think i've discovered ME today? lol. well, i only pray i make wise decisions. cuz i'm gonna have to take full responsibility of them when i'm empowered and make them. but i get to make them now. justin may have his hands full...you all should pray for him! lol. i can already sense in my attitude the smell of independance and rebellion. i am kind of excited though that i get to learn, explore, choose. oh yes, it is all about me! lol. but i am powerful now. except that i can't get the lid off the apple juice right now...can anybody help me with that? grr... okay, so i'm pretty powerful, but not all the way yet. but that fixable...i'm gonna probably enroll in some death threatening sport now to gain what i lack! lol. but seriously, i want to explore my boundaries. enforce them my way. and choose when not to have them at all. it's my turn to decide and no one can make me do anything i don't want to. justin is glad for me for that, yet he said he is concerned i will begin to express everything i've always repressed as part of my brain healing.... i assume he means the teenage years i missed...the times when i should have rebelled but never did. maybe he's right? hmmmm... so i hope i make good decisions, i'm gonna have to remember God in all this. that i don't forget Him in my freedom. that if i desire to look for fulfillment in different areas i will remember that He is the One who satisfies. not the things of this world. but i think the door of temptation is opening. i hope i will pass, but at the same time, i will walk in the knowledge of grace. not that i will take grace for granted. i just want to make sure that if i do make mistakes i live them out in grace and learn from them. but i'm going to allow myself the freedom to choose, even if that means to choose wrongly and make mistakes. i just pray i will find my satisfaction in Christ so that i do not ruin what He has already done.
on a different note, justin asked me about what i am going to do if next time i talk to jeff he wants to discuss his past. i'm not saying i have this all certain yet, but here are my thoughts... one, the jeff i know today is not the jeff of early years who molested. *blah...i'm gonna have to wash my mouth out with soap for saying that 'm' word!* so i can remain his friend, however there are some boundaries that I am making. he may share, but in no way will i pity him or help him carry his burden of shame and guilt-period! no matter what his sob story or home life was like...no matter if he had it done to him first. it is no excuse. i will grant him sympathy if that is the case, but no excuse. i am glad he is remorseful and willing to struggle to overcome, however, i WILL NOT allow him to share just so that he feels better about himself. I WiLL NOT carry the burden of the abuser and the victim. he must carry it all by himself. if he wants help with that, he will have to seek it elsewhere like in counseling. I WILL NOT comfort him in this. I will NOT validate his experience or downplay what he did because he is my friend. NO, because he is my friend i will be brutally honest with him, if he asks i will tell him what an awful and shameful thing this is that he did. and i will let him swallow that reality by himself. i will not be mean to him for the sake of being mean or vengeful, but i will not apologize for revealing the harsh reality of it. i will not apologize for any consequences that may result from that. i will not carry any of his blame. he must take it in full responsibility. i may use him to gain insight into the mind of a beast, to maybe help answer some unresolved questions. not to counsel him in it, but for my own sake. i will let him know honestly how it makes me feel. and if i at any time want to cease talking about it, i will end the conversation at my choosing. he is my friend, but this is MY COURT! you play by MY RULES now or you don't play at all. *ahem*
so these are MY boundaries. this is MY LIFE. these are MY RULES enforced with MY POWER. and i will hurt you till you see the ends of yesterday and tomorrow meet if you break them. when i say "NO!" i mean "NOOOO!!!!!" got it??? victims aren't as weak as you think. i am not here to dump on. i am moving on. you can stay here if you want, but i ain't picking up your weight for you! i will NOT carry your shame for you. It is MY TURN NOW!!!!!
BOOM! Hear the thunder? I am moving on. don't mess with me any longer. you will regret it!
healing is such a strange thing. i discovered something new today. i discovered that if you push just the right buttons i will absolutely rage! i have anger. powerful amounts of anger. i never knew that. it's kinda strange. it's been in me all these years and keeping me running from everything cuz i never knew where to direct it except at myself. and now i found a target. some was myself. some were the issues my friends jason and jody brought up. and i found out i am actually incredibly angry at jeff. not at the new jeff i know now, but at the old jeff when he was little. i guess it makes it a little less confusing to view him as two people...then my feelings don't seem contradictory about the same person. anyways, i am angry at the old jeff. and i am angry at the old cousin, matt. i have never felt angry really at him, especially not to this point. i think had i tapped into this when i was little he would have found me not so powerless. i think i would have killed him. or at least marred him incredibly bad. it's ashame i've been internalizing it all this time. that i've taken it out on myself. and some on God. perhaps my fears will dwindle some now that i see i have power. a lot of power. that's kinda scary. me...with power. i think i have a lot to learn about myself. and maybe i should join tae kwon do or some other violent sport to channel this all. lol. but maybe there won't be a next time for tragedy, for trust and hopes to be dashed. maybe i am not powerless or don't have to remain powerless. maybe i can effect change. maybe next time someone breaks my trust and tries to violate me they will wish they hadn't, eh? yes, they will wish they hadn't. mmm....this feels strangely good and releasing. am i supposed to feel good for being angry? i don't know. but i think i like it. i've been harboring it all these years afraid to see what it looks like released... luckily my conversations were a place of safety and you can't hurt a friend physically over the internet... hehe... but i must say thank you to jody and jason for completely ticking me off this morning. it actually helped. no, that's not an invitation to continually push my buttons, lol! you don't want to see my wrath. and i don't want to take it out on you guys... cuz I LOVE YOU. I LOVE. i love jason and jody and justin. my kitties. my God. though i'm still struggling with all that, i do. deep down. it's a diamond hidden in mountains of mud, but it's in there. i'm pretty certain. these depths are kinda scary to plunge, but i'm making it. i'm jumping off the cliff and choosing to trust...somebody catch me :) i want to be free! oh my gosh...i can't believe i'm actually here. here in a moment of freedom and psychotic trust. how long will it last? i don't know... but i feel like bungee jumping and having my friends hold the cord. :) lol. i am so sexy. okay, i have no idea where that came from....LOL. i think i'm getting laughter now... lol... oh the giggles. this feels so good. i only hope it lasts. somebody touch me :)