Hi, im kelly, and im new here. I am a survivor of both childhood sexual abuse, and rape as a teen. I was mostly doing ok with things, after having been in some really good therapy earlier...but the last six months of my life have been really beyond stressful, and i find that when i'm under stress things i thought i had conquered seem to come back to haunt me, and i could use some support. I've x-posted from a recent lj entry to give you some background on me.
The other day at my feminist group I began filling people in about my life the last few months
, and, as I usually do, I started out being funny, trying to make my life sound like some bizzaro-i love Lucy episode...except once I was done and I started thinking about how awful it all was, I started to cry. It’s a good thing. I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t really had time to *feel* much of anything. Life has been so hard lately that I’m amazed I can even stand up.
One of the toughest things about the last few months was seeing the man who raped me at my grandfather’s funeral. That whole era of my life was just so hard and so painful, and seeing him, and being HUGGED by him brought a lot of that back for me.( life for me thenCollapse )
Fast forward to April, when boy shows up at grandpa's funeral, and GIVES ME A HUG. I felt myself sink into the ground as I stared at the floor not really listening to him tell me about his kids and his job and simultaneously fighting the urge to deck him, and to run away screaming. I can still feel his hands on me. It’s like an imprint on my skin that goes beyond cellular level. I want to shed my skin like a snake except it feels like even if I could, his handprints would still be there. I can’t stand the smell of polo cologne, because that’s what he wore (is it just me, or is that the cologne of choice for sketchy people?) Part of me wants to tear him limb from limb, and part of me wants to tear myself limb from limb. I can literally feel the fibers of my heart tear as my heart breaks. Its not every day. I’m a lot better. I’d even say I’m recovered, as much as anyone ever recovers from something like this...or at least I’m 80% there. I even had a pap, and it was ok, which is a huge improvement from the past, where I got so dissociated I walked straight into a telephone pole.
It’s just, sometimes, like now, all the heartache from the last 16 years bears down on me, and I can’t believe I can even stand for the pain of it all. I feel flattened, crushed, broken and bruised and *sigh* sometimes, when it all hits, it seems like it’s impossible, like this couldn’t have all happened to one person, let alone me. And I know other people have been through worse, and probably handled it better. Still, my life can be overwhelming at times. And this is one of them.
Thanks for listening