Tags: acceptance

Sorry, you won't define me...

I have a lot on my mind, which isn't unusual for me. I am a thinker by nature. I joke about someone can say something to me today and I will respond two weeks later. I like to process things in my own time.

I am a laid back, go with the flow kinda person.
Anyway I say all of that just to simply say I have been thinking.
I realized something today. I am the only one responsible for what happens to me from now on. I have had a crappy past, my parents, the rape, cutting, my parents being sick...a lot of things I didn't choose, some that I did.
But now I have a choice. I have to at some point distance myself from the hurt, accept it for what it is, and what it was...and then move on.
I am responsible to learn new ways to cope, ways that weren't modeled for me.

This is so tough. But I know I must learn to trust again. So much hurt has taken place, and I don't want to invite anymore in. However I can't live like this. so I have to make the decision to either live or not, and because I want to live then I have to really live.
Anyway so here goes, I am ready to really heal.


I would like to know if anyone else has felt the way that I am feeling now-- I seem to be making a conscious decision to put alot of my past behind me, not necessarily ignoring that it happened but I'm getting tired of having it run my life. I'm not running from it, I've just realized that I can't change what happened, only the way that I react to it. I'm by far not even close to having this mission complete but I'm giving it a try. Anyone else travelled this road? Thanks

An open letter

(I posted this a couple days ago in my own journal, but I wanted to share it with people who might have a better understanding of where it comes from.. and why I needed to write it.. My ex and i were together for several years, but I'm sure that's a story told here far too often.. and instead of looking back, I look ahead. This does have my daughter's name in it, I'm not planning to edit it out unless it's a major problem for people.. )

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katie in miami

nights seared into memory

I briefly mentioned the why of me joining this community... as I did not know how to do the livejournal cut before today, I left it at brief introduction. I believe there is an incredible peace that comes in sharing your story with a community that cares and listens, one that can grow or bond from the experience. I believe in the sanctity of each story, those that are my own as well as those that are shared to me. Our stories are a gift that we give to other people, to fellow survivors, to advocates and to individuals we think will care. It is our choice to impart these events to another individual and our decision who hears them. We each have the right to tell or to not tell our stories and no one but ourselves can choose in the moment which decision to make, or to what degree to make it. I want to thank each person who has given their story to this community. I know that I read each one and hold it somewhere inside, fawning the flame of passion that lies in my heart to combat this epidemic of violence. You are all survivors. We are all survivors. So it is beginning with thanking you for sharing what you have, your pains, your struggles, your emotions and your lives, that I choose to recount my own tale of a certain night that is forever seared into my memory.

My story may be triggering, if it is, I do apologize. My mind plays events back like a movie, revisiting every aspect of that night. This is the only way I know to bring to words what happened that night. The night I was raped. Collapse )

This is part of my story. The initial event that turned my life and my being inside out and upside down. It sent me in a tailspin that would have claimed my life without the care and support of a dedicated team of professional support. This one night taught me that safety is a fiction, that living behind a cloud of naivety can and will hurt you - and that unquestioningly beleiving the words of a survivor is the most important gift you can bestow upon someone who has been stripped of their humanity. Even still, I thought my trials would be over after these men returned to their college across the country. I did not know that such horrors could manifest themselves in entities even closer to me than an acquantince.

This is the story I am prepared to share. The other is a bit more difficult as it even now still has the potential to remain unfolding. But through it all - be it my own struggles, or those of yours - we are not alone. We will not be silenced. We are survivors.

(no subject)

I should mention that everyone is welcome to post in this community. If you want to lock it as friends-only, go ahead. Whatever makes you feel more comfortable.

One of the hardest things I have found, in my life after the abuse, is that there are some people who do not believe me. I'm not understanding why I am being questioned. I feel like I am the one on trial, and I shouldn't be. I had to defend my body before, and now I have to defend my integrity.