so i guess that just feel
derpressed and frustrated...
confused and agrivated.
hopeless and doubtful..
i duno thank goodness for this LJ it feel soooo good to get out everythign that i hold inside allllll the time
i just really dont feel like anyone around me really knows how i feel and like can really relate to me... i feel like i have just seen too much... been through too much trauma and experienced far more than my amazing friend aly or some of the other people who might think they are like me..
on the outside... i look like the nickname my friend in high school gave me... "innocent one".
but on the inside i am screammmming to be understood. and accepted for who i really am , flaws and all... and i just want to find people like myself... my life is not the All American story book white picket fence that my neighboorhood looks like......
(besides i just found out my neighbors are SWINGERS and are now getting divorced!) crazy.
i just... ugh i dunoo..
i dont feel stable enough yet... to start working on some of the other trauma that i know is in my head... and hurting my heart...
it has all been coming up lately and resurfacing.....like once i open the flood gate....alllll that is inside just comes gushing out.
i dont think im ready to completely start thinking about all of these things yet... but maybe i will start just listing the traumatic events that i recognize...
1) the abortion-when i was in high school, i cheated, got pregnant, and had an abortion. i was 8 weeks into pregnancy which is almost the limit.. 2 more weeks and i wouldn't have been able. i have flashes.. really traumatic flashing viloent and vivid memories, it was one of the most painful things i have ever been through, emotionally and physically.
2)london- when i was about 16 i went to london with my mom, 9 days, one night, i snuck out to the lobby where i met a guy, we went to the hotel bar, i drank with him, he offered me to come up to his room to look at magazines, i went. i was drunk..a little, and alone, he undressed me.. and yeah... the rest is fucked..
3)tony- when i was in high school a little after i was raped i think... or maybe before i can't really remember... i was at a kegger with some close friends. a hockey player named tony, watched me all night... drank, and drank, and drank with me.. till i was wasted..followed me outside... and on the bech in front of the appartment, made out and then pushed my head down into his crotch and held the back of my head there. fuck tony.
these are the things i can think of right now... there were other events that have been slightly upsetting and not comfortable... one with a boyfriend jay, also involving drinking... ...so needless to say im just not ready yet to get into that basket...