Tags: abandonment issues

sad beyond no return

sad  is just an under statement as many of you know my best friend past away in october. well his birthday is on christmas and all i can do is think about him i have been crying for 4 hours straight now i'm pissed that he left that he's gone and i never got the chances to say my good byes i'm hurting so much right now. i feel abonden an so weak right now all i have been doing is writting but it just makes me cry more i'm sick n tired of listening to people tell me just get over it, move on, o well shit happens. it litteraly makes me wanna puke. i feel like i can't do this anymore like i'm stuck in slow motion an suffocating 

i just feel like I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE

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I just got back from my counseling session. It went good. In a nice way, I was reminded that If I agree that most of the therepy work occurs outside of a session, then I have to do work outside of it. This, I'm sure, was prompted after I told her that I hadn't really thought about what happen at the last session or let myself feel it again. Yeah. I know...... 

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what to do....

I know I posted recently....but...

For those of you dealing with abandonment issues and rejection issues because of you childhood...........
How did you handle various situations when you were in them and felt the same emmotions from childhood swelling up again? In essence, it having nothing to do with your partner but all to do with you and your childhood. How did you keep it in check?  How did you not drown in emmotional rivers because it seemed like it was overwhelming you everyday?

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You're just cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Sorry I've disappeared. I do that on livejournal a lot. And when things are going well, I don't write as much.

Just an update: a few weeks ago, Sophia (sepia_lies) and I hung out. We watched "Speak", the feature film version of the popular book, and had our own sort of survivor community convention. Pretty sweet stuff.

I feel empty today. My limbs feel slack. There's this tension feeling in my back that I tend to get. I don't know what this feeling is, even though I've experienced it so many times. I feel sad, anxious, angry at everyone in my house (I live with my mom, sister, my uncle, and his three kids, ages 7, 11, and 13). I'm angry at my boyfriend for working all of the time, for not physicly being here to support me. I'm upset and anxious about moving out on my own with my boyfriend, unsure of how we are going to 'make it' on our own. Upset that we can't just move in now and start making things the way we want them to be. And, to top it all off, I ran out of Lexapro yesterday, and it was only like a two month sample. I don't feel like going to a psychiatrist, but I think I might have to, or I'll do something stupid. Whatever I have, when I'm not on medication, I am prone to shopping sprees, irrational thinking and taking irrational actions, extreme exaduration of everything, and mood swings that compell me to believe that everyone is abandoning me. And for an extra bonus, I've been hearng people talk to me lately; people who I know aren't there. They tell me things, that I'm crazy and that everyone I've ever cared for will leave me. I know it's not real, but it's very scary. It's the threat of actually being nuts that scares me.

I didn't mean for that to be a list of complaints. But since it's all written down, I feel somewhat relieved. Although a laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting.

My mother is a stranger.....

Ok. This might seem horrible but I don't want to go to the hospital to visit my mother. She had back surgery yesterday and will be there for a couple of days...or more. Probally more. I just don't want to go. I feel like she is a stranger. Not my mother. Everyone says, she's your mother, you have to learn to accept her and all her faults. But I just can't. I had been hurting for so long because of everything that has happened. There were many tear filled nights over the "loss/absence" of a mother. I was seperated from my mother when I was around five years old and didn't see her again until I was 18 years old. I think. She had always been trying to be there for me but the family hid me from her. Why? Cause she was a raging alcholic and may have dabbled in drugs. But she was not mentally or emmotional in a good state of being. So it's not my mother fault but I still have a lot of unresolved conflict inside of me. And I don't feel like working on a relationship with my mother. She's a stranger and I don't like what I see when I go to visit her. She doesn't look good. You can see everything she has been through written on her body and face. And I can't stand to see her drinking and spilling stuff all over the place. I feel bad sometimes in what I say. Like yesterday, I told my aunt, "Your not my mother, so I'll actually make time to come out and see you." (my aunt is like a mother to me...very much so) She chidded me for the comment. She said I shouldn't be like that. I can't help it. I don't know that woman. I don't know. So, more than likely, I'll be expected to go and see my mom. It will probally hurt her if I don't. So as to not feel too guilty I probally will. I just don't want to. Anybody else feel like this toward their mother? Did you try to establish a relationship? Any Tips? Why is there so much pressure to fulfill our roles as daughters?


What do you all do when you feel suicidal all of the time?
I fade between optimistic about my future and very suicidal and the suicdial times are outweighing the positive...

I was also just inpatiented and I wish I was back there.

I've also find myself either drinking, taking NyQuil, more meds than I should or all three combined when I was someone who used to be straightedge and totally against any of this stuff. I tend to not be able to remember the last time I even ate and all I can think about is stockpiling the Klonopin prescription I have, drinkings tons with it and really trying to kill myself instead of half assing it like I've been doing. I can't stand to feel the pain or the emptiness anymore and will do anything to make it go away...including losing all that is good in my life to make it stop.

I'm in therapy, have a psych and am trying to get into an outpatient program for DBT, so don't bother suggesting any of them. I'll also be attending a Depression/Bipolar support group tomorrow...so don't bother with the support group suggestion.

So what do you all do? Becuase I'm running out of distractions and feel like my time is running out before I seriously try to end it all instead of taking just under enough to NOT kill myself.

It's the weekends that really kill me. I can manage the week days. I have things to occupy my time, but for some reason those two days and Friday night just make me want to throw it all away. And for some background info...I have NO friends, I left them all with my rapist and a boyfriend who wants SPACE...and space tends to make me cut you off cuz I can't stand the anxiety of it all. I was raped, have some prior sexual abuse history and am Borderline, but not full blown in that it destroys every area of my life....people at the psych ward also suggested that I may be Unipolar, something I never even thought of, but I digress.

Someone please offer me some suggestions. I don't know what to do anymore...