x posted from my journal
x posted from my journal
dead to the world is really the only way to explain how i m right now.............. i know i'm giving up an i rally don't care theres just so much going on...... let me fill you guys in, on monday october 30 my best friend was found dead in his room he was only 16. i looked up to him like a brother always there when you needed someone to talk to. he was a popular kid, on on the football team but that didn't stop him from treating everyone nice. it didn't matter if you where slow the kid who was always picked on or the shy one he always reached out his hand for you. the day i found out i had a relapse on my cutting which i was almost at 6 months of no cutting. not a day has gone by now that i haven't wanted to cut. i've been so angry lashing out on everyone. i've givin up trying in skewl. i'm lossing myself, i bearly talk anymore either. his funeral was friday it was very hard to deal with. then sunday night my mom was admitted to the hospital beause of her back. theres just so many big things happing all at once that it's hard for me to take in. also on the hand of wanting to cut i've also have been wanting todown bottles of pills. i need help
Please visit the page and leave your thoughts for Diane and her family, she was such a wonderful soul mother and woman and will be forever remembered in the hearts and minds of those she blessed with her spirit. We will miss her forever.
Over where I live there's something called the Burning Man festival, which features art, sculptures, music, poetry, etc - the name comes from a wooden human figure that they set afire on the second-to-last night to celebrate impermanence/change/renewal (somewhat like the phoenix rising from the ashes).
They had a wooden temple structure where people could write down the names of people who'd passed on during the year, and they'd burn it too on the last night, in honor of those people's legacies.
So, I wrote Diane's (teardrops7)'s name and a few words about her - that she was strong and compassionate to others here.
I just wanted to share how the change of scenery has made me feel, differently. No scares, no flashbacks (well I did leave the place where I was raped far far behind after all) and to be honest, even when I have been thinking about the event itself, it seems to be different, rather matter of fact: I have been there, I spent a long time dealing with it, and now have the t-shirt. I'm not scared to think about it anymore, I don't get gripped with fear and start panicking, it's just another memory now. I'm not sure how I got here, and I thought I was here months ago when I wasn't really. Even though the secong anniversary (if you can call it that) is coming up on the 19th Sept, my thoughts aren't constantly on it. I actually think I will be alright, which is a relief as I was a bloody wreck last year.
I dunno, maybe following my dreams has not only taken my mind off it but helped me put it into the context of my life a bit more.
There is one person I truly, truly, truly have to thank. Diane, aka teardrops7. The only pain I feel now is her loss. I wish she could be here to see how much she helped me, to see the good work she did by helping me through the darkest stages, holding my hand, giving me understanding and encouragement. She was a wonderful woman, and I considered her to be a mother, as a few of you here probably did too. I miss her with all my heart, and wish she was still here, but she left a legacy, she proved to me that people miles apart from each other who have never met can truly have a deep impact on your life, she gave me hope, she allowed me to breathe and taught me not to be scared, she showed me life, unfortunately it was far too late already for me to do the same for her. She knew she was going before joining this community and decided to help as many people as she could before the time ran out, and I am so thankful to her for the few months we got to spend together. She was an angel, is an angel, and I thank this community for allowing me to know her.
This is a web page I made in Diane/teardrops7's memory!!! I included a guest book where you can add your comments, songs, prayers,dedications etc...etc...
May her eternal flame burn forever in our hearts and her incredible spirit finally be at peace!!!
If the webpage does not load go back in the next hour I am only allowed a certain amount of data transfer per hour!!!
Big safe gentle hugs
Sorry that got long winded, I just needed a place to vent.
Old cardboard boxes in the attic always tend to reveal things you never knew about.
After looking through some pictures of my parents' youth, I came across my own photo-album - stuffed with baby pictures and cards saying, "Congratulations! A daughter!" I couldn't keep my eyes away from this tiny kid with the blonde, jumpy curls. I ripped out quite a few pictures and put them in my room so I could remind myself of what I was once like.
Eagerly, I went through the whole album and when the end of it was near, I starting seeing a slight change. I flipped one of the cards around and read, august 2002.
And then you stop, and think, this is why I've ripped out those baby-pictures.
I want my childhood, my innocence back. I feel like a 30 year-old trapped in a 18 year-old body.