So I was planning to go see One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest in the university's cinema today, but then I saw something else is there today:
Metamorphosis – Special Discussion
Israel, 50 min, Documentary.
Directed by: Neta-lee Baron.
Metamorphosis is a combination between recent rape cases and myths about rape.
A discussion will follow the movie. The women from the movie will talk with the audience.
[taken from bgu4u.co.il]
There's no doubt in my mind I'm going to be there, but I can already feel the anxiety rising.
You know what's the scariest thing for me in these kinds of gatherings? Seeing there women I know. Last year, after there was a rape in campus and there was a discussion group about the myths of rape, meant to promote awareness, I came over and there was this woman that I have a few classes with. We are not close at all, in fact we barely say "hi" to each other - we just never clicked, I guess - but I hated the fact that she was there neverhteless, because I was sitting there before the meeting started and could shake this thought from my head - "maybe R. was *that* too".
You just don't want to see familiar faces because you don't want to deal with the thought that they may have (and if they're there, yeah, they probably were) been *that*. Somehow after that meeting last year I would be in class and I'd think, okay, I know for sure now, there's more than one survivor in this class, it'd make me uncomfortable for some reason. I hate the statistics and I hate the numbers, and trust me I see numbers every day because almost in every stall in the girls' bathrooms in the U there's a sticker of the rape crisis center and hotline. You're sitting there with your pants down and it's right there in front of your face, reminding you.
I don't know where I'm going with this, I'll just shut up now.
[x-posting to my journal and to the survivors community]
this is an after-thought from my entry this morning in the borderline group...i was wondering if anyone could give me input or just share that they relate...
my counselor last year (the one who i saw for the rape) told me (this was after i had "recovered" after four months of therapy) that there is usually a major relapse about a year after the rape...i think i've finally figured out that my current situation is a relapse, for the following reasons. i'd like anyone who thinks they have authority on the subject to tell me if they think this constitutes a "relapse:"
1. I have been having less fun/not trusting my guy friends. Actually it's much more superficial than that. I see them all as walking penises, regardless of their behavior - I will rationalize their behaviors as mere superficial manifestations of each of their unique pasts. Some of them are goofy, sweet, shy, etc - but I still feel resentment and this aching, sad feeling that if they weren't so oblivious they would realize that all they want in life is sex. Some are more blatant about it, some ashamed, some very artful about the craft of womanizing...but regardless, i resent them and their seemingly insatiable desire/preoccupation with sex, whether it is manifested through actually having sex, looking at porn, talking about women and their bodies, as if they are not people, etc. The problem with this is that i know they're good boys. But I can't stop THINKING this way. And it makes me angry, sad, frustrated, etc.
2. I had to withdraw from a class because i developed a hatred for my professor. it's especially frustrating because he currently has NY time's best seller on the market. in class he talked a lot about nomadic people, mentioning women being "captured" from different tribes. he only talked about it several times, but these casual remarks about rape have made me so upset over the past couple months that i have developed a great hatred for him and the class. i couldn't find a way out of it. i just stopped listening in class and felt like crying sometimes because it would cause emotional flashbacks.
3. i have been having these problems so bad that i feel like i have to talk to my boyfriend about it. we never really "fight" but we have short spats that usually end as soon as they begin. but it's been so frequent that i feel i have to get 'information' from him about the 'male sex' because i just "don't get it." i have the instinct that HE will be able to explain away my worries. but he just gets offended as if he's supposed to 'defend his sex.'
4. i've just been generally on edge, not trusting, angry, apathetic, sarcastic, and generally distant.
thanks for considering this for me. over all, i was wondering if you think group therapy for rape would help me. i thought maybe one of you might have had an experience with it...
thank you thank you thank you
i am a fucking mess.
So, I don't post in this community much because I have a hard time staying online and whatnot but due to recent events I can start to make time. My boyfriend of a year and I just broke up yesterday for the last and final time. Too much is going on with school and both of my jobs, and I was getting tired of his shit and he kept saying it was me and my mood swings and whatnot; but I didn't have control of them because of taking birth control and so much stress.
But, my story is pretty upsetting and I won't go into it because of triggering moments but I lost my best friend because of my rape. He protected me & was killed because of it. My rapist did things for so many years to scare me and it just got too enough.
Well, the other day I found a note on my car on campus and it freaked me out beyond words and my ex (now) didn't even care about my protection, he was just like what do you want me to do and all I wanted was to be held or told everything will be okay, I promise. But no, so we broke up.. and well, my best friend I think spited him and five minutes later after breaking up with me, Chris got into a car accident (my best friend died in a car accident) and was pretty banged up. I was upset and as weird as it sounds, I sat in my backyard last night looking up and told Nick so. I saw Nick in my dreams last night and he said I only wanted to protect you.
Anyhow, this upcoming Thursday. I'm getting my tattoo in memory of him and how he protected me from my rapists and whatnot. He couldn't save me then, but he's doing a damn near good job right now. IU'm looking forward too it and I think my ex or another friend is going with me for support. I'll post pictures and whatnot, I'm just really excited.