Tags: anxiety

in a funk

I've been in a funk lately - the type of funk you get in that leaves you just kinda staring off into space, semi-numb and semi-brimming with emotion at the same time. It started last Friday night at home for the holidays... Collapse )

Thank you for listening... I needed to get this out somewhere. There is just so much in a person's past... and mine isn't even as bad as I know it could be. I should be thankful. But all I want to do is curl up and sleep and sleep and sleep, hibernate until all the crappy parts just disappear. So yeah... I'm in quite the mind funk right now. If you're there, or been there... how do you get out?!?!?!? How do you smile again and have it go all the way down to your soul? How do you trust again and mean it? How do you let someone in again and not jump at every little movement they make? How do you find peace?
  • giyana

new member

hey everyone,

i am a 22 year old graduate student. this year i started therapy to deal with issues surrounding childhood sexual abuse. i have been diagnosed with ptsd, depression, and anxiety. when i was 15 and i saw the abuser's sister i had an intense flooding of memories and although i thought i was crazy and created another person, the therapist calls it dissociation and says it's normal. i also have issues with binge eating but therapy has helped in that aspect considerably even though i haven't even brought it up yet.

anyway, i was sexually abused by a neighboor when i was around 4 yrs old. the house my parents chose for my child care consisted of an alcoholic father and an incredibly messed up son (the abuser). i remember a couple images very clearly and the rest is kinda vague and confusing. i remember having him take my clothes off and holding me down and him putting cigarettes inside of me, and i remember sitting on my knees and seeing his penis right in front of me. i have always remembered those two scenes, but i don't remember anything else actually happening and i don't remember being scared. i'm not exactly sure how much happened or how long it went on for. i told my father and i was removed (hopefully immediately) from the situation, but besides telling my dad when i was very young, my family has never spoke about it. my dad has asked me a few times what i remember but i get uncomfortable and haven't been able to talk about it with him yet.

my question to you all is...if you were abused around the age of 4, how much do you remember? it's frustrating b/c i was so young and i just don't know exactly what happened.

thanks and i hope everyone is doing well.


I'm new, so I figured I'd introduce myself...

Looking at this blank screen thinking about how to describe me, it's clear, that you'd actually have to know me, to realize who I really am.

My name is Kimberly. I have many nicknames; Kimmi, Kim, Kizzy, Kimbo, and Bimberly... Take your pick. I'm 18 years old. I don't have a job, but I'm looking. I plan on attending nursing school in the spring. I'm a daughter, a sister, and a friend (maybe not a good one all the time, but I'm still there). I'm not a perfect person, as hard as I try to be. I have many flaws, but that doesn't make me a horrid person. I have light brown hair, about down to my shoulders, I have green eyes, I wear glasses, I have 3 earrings in one ear, and the other I have 2, I have my nose pierced, hopefully my tongue done sooner or later, I stand about 5'6 and there is no way in hell I'm listing my weight. Needless to say if you've even took a glance at my journal, I have an eating disorder. Don't freak out, this still doesn't make me an awful person. I suffer for depression somedays, and somedays, we'll call them my really bad days I may SI. I'm a rape survivor. I don't really have too many friends. Just about 2 maybe 3 that I would trust with my life. Only a couple of them know my "second life" as we'll call it. I have a lot of trusting issues, and I seem to push away when people try to get "too" close. Mainly for the fear of being hurt again. I'm terrible afraid of the dark, being alone, and spiders. I hate liars and fake people. If you can't be yourself, then why even try? I enjoy hanging out with my friends (which I love dearly), partying, dancing, shooting pool, 4 wheeling, listening to all types of music, camping, fishing, going for long walks, dancing in the rain, gardening, swimming, dirt track racing, writing poetry (which I'm no good at), talking on the phone and online, meeting new people, and playing/hanging out with my gerbils Bonnie and Clyde. It doesn't take a lot to make me happy, you make me laugh, your going to have a friend for life. But I'm also a very opinionated person, so if you don't like what I have to say, don't comment on it, just leave.. . I'm not really a mean person, I just hate when people come to my journal, and rant on what I have to say, it's my journal and I should be allowed to say whatever I want to say. I don't want to come off as a bitch, but if that's how it sounds, then so be it.. That's about it.

My journal is friends only, comment and I'll add you.

still surviving..

i'm 20/f. a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (by various people), also emotional abuse, a witness of family violence (childhood), verbal abuse and criticism. i am still struggling to overcome all that its made me become. i have never known who 'I' am..never had a voice of my own. always afraid of rejection. i have a fear of people, mostly men. i don't do good in social situations and do not have friends. i basically have a lot of mental health issues that make everyday very hard to keep breathing...BUT..i am still breathing...amazingly..i deal with depression, ocd tendencies, ptsd, anorexia, self-injury, dissociative disorders, generalized anxiety, social phobia and a bit of agoraphobia..they all go on and off..i never know wut i'm going to deal with when i wake up in the morning..makes life..even more chaotic...and..in short, that is a bit about me...