well this Easter was my 6 year anniversary of the incident... i dont know what else to call it. i think that more than just that one time happend i just only remember that one. this november was the year anniversary of another incident that happend with someone else. i am so confused. it's like the more i search for the truth the less i want to know it. i am struggling with whether or not i want to bring back those memories. i have a habit of having breakdowns about once every year and i think that if i just deal with it, it will all go away... then again i feel like maybe if i bring it up it will only get worse. do you guys understand? i hope someone can. it's like my family doesnt understand. (i live with my best friend and her parents*they are my family to me* becuase of probs w/ my biological parents i'll tell you more about it later) they are just like "why dont you just get over it... it cant be that hard" they dont understand that if i could just get over it i would, in a broken heartbeat. well i am sorry that i am rambling and have poor grammar and punctuation. i think that i will tell my stories soon... maybe it will help me to know that it is out there and someone other than me can bear the weight of it all. *by the way can someone tell me how to do a cut so that i dont trigger someone else?*
i am sending everyone who is struggling my prayers, hugs, and best wishes because i know it is hard.
The two-year anniversary of my rape is on the 29th. The same man molested me 1 year ago earlier this month, on the 6th. He told me last year, when I allowed him to speak to me, that he wanted to forget the date. That he was trying, even though he knew I couldn't. I don't want him to. What can I do? Is it dangerous to me emotionally (he would not come after me-- it is complicated but I know he is a coward, and it wasn't an attack so to speak) to put a note in his mailbox that reminds him? What would I say? Would it make me feel better? I am very confused and I don't know what to do, but I do want to do this with minimal risk of confrontation. He does not deserve to forget, and I am not going to sit by and let him. I have too consistently bent to his will. My silence has been my complicity of his continued domination of me. I am taking small steps away from that. I am finding my voice. I am learning that I OWE HIM NOTHING. nothing.
Sorry for being depressing. I'm just feeling down right now and I have to finsih this massive take-home exam in the next 4 hours. I didnt' sleep last night because of it (literally) and I feel like crap. My counselor friend is right... I'm not in a place to be dealing with all this work. But I can't ask for help. This stuff happened a year ago... I just can't.
I hadn't realized until this morning why I've been soooooo very irratible and upset all week. I know I was on my cycle...but even that wouldn't really explain the very extreme bad mood I've been in. I woke up and realized that it was two years ago this week that the rape happened. Thanksgiving week in 2002 I was abducted from a parking lot in downtown Louisville, I was taken somewhere and brutally beaten and raped. I have no memories of the actual rape, I remember being taken, I remember being handcuffed, I remember the gun, I remember the threats, I remember him well enough that if I had any talent for drawing I could still draw him perfectly. I remember the very first strike of his belt, and after that I don't remember a thing til I came to walking a couple blocks away from where he originally took me from, missing some of my clothes and disoriented. The friends that I was supposed to meet found me in the parking lot, I had never shown up for dinner and they were all going to their cars and leaving then. They called 911 and I was taken to the hospital where they did a rape kit, took all my clothes, photographed me naked and asked me tons of questions. I remember hurting on every inch of my body and crying and not understanding what was going on. The next night my friend Anita took me to the police station where the detective there questioned me some more and had me help with a composite on the computer. I have managed to completely block any form of emotion about that night since it happened. I've never gotten therapy for the rape, never been able to talk about how it made me feel. Still to this day, I can talk about what happened, but its like it happened to someone else. I remember that the bruises on my body from his belt were shaped in long straight thick lines, and that the were so deep they took over a month to fade away. I don't remember him putting them there. I remember the "skin tags" he had all over his neck and shoulder areas, and I think he had them around his genitals too...I remember that he smelled sour and sweaty. He was a huge man, 6'4" at least and close to 400 lbs. I thought he was someone's daddy. He drove a white mini van with fruit loops spilled all over the floor and a Minnie Mouse sun shade on the side passenger window and a baby seat in the back. He asked me for directions and I leaned into the front seat to write them on a tablet and then he grabbed me and pulled me in. He told me he had a gun and he'd kill me if I fought. I wish I could cry, I wish I could feel something. I'm glad they have his DNA on file, so that if he ever gets caught they'll be able to match it. But its been two years now, I don't think they'll ever find him. There must be millions of white mini vans in this country. I'm scared I'll be in the middle of something some day, and at a totally inappropriate time all the pain and anger and fear will hit me, and I won't be able to handle it. What if he's some guy that lives nearby and I run into him at the grocery or at Walmart? What do I do? How do I handle that? I'm scared I'll be paralyzed by my fear and I won't be able to ask for help and notify someone of who he is. What if he never gets caught and does it again to someone else? What if he actually kills someone? What if I never am able to feel the pain? Will it just grow and grow inside me til it kills me? I was molested as a child, many years of extensive abuse. I have been able to grow past it, deal with it in therapy, get angry and cry and scream and work it all out for the most part. But this...this is something I haven't even touched emotionally. It really does feel like it was someone else it happened to. If it wasn't for the police photos of my battered body and the semen stains on my torn clothes I wouldn't even believe that it happened it feels so surreal. The detective on the case sent me a letter about 6 months ago saying that if I couldn't come up with any more new info on the case it would be relegated to the inactive files, and dropped unless the DNA in the system cross referenced to another case some day. It made me feel so unimportant and disposable that they would only try for 1 1/2 years to catch my rapist. Has anyone else ever felt the way I do? Not been able to feel anything about something like this, had it feel like it happened to someone else?
last year, i was sexually assaulted twice. at least, i think i was, since i don't really remember much about them. anyway, we're coming up on the anniversary of the first one now (nov 23), and i'm having a hard time with that. i've been struggling with depression since it happened, and even before i guess, and sometimes i feel i can pull myself out, but this is not one of those times. i'm having a hard time even acknowledging to my friends and husband that the anniversary is coming up, and that it's bothering me. the same day is also the birthday of a 10-year-old girl who i absolutely adore, and i want to buy her a gift, but every time i do, i think about the assault. unfortunately, i was assaulted once before these times as well, a long time ago, and i already have one anniversary that i think about every year. i resent having two more.
Does this happen to anyone else? This past weekend was the one-year anniversary of my rape... and I felt (still do) like a freaking psycho. Friday night was the day-of-the-week anniversary, with Sunday being the calendar-date anniversary. I didn't want to be alone, so I went out with some of my friends. At one point, I did wind up alone, and managed to get into a horrendous fight with the guy who was supposed to visit me this weekend (friend from high school being sent to Iraq in about 4 weeks)... so much so that I was sitting at my desk thinking one year ago... thinking about everything... and this fight with this guy... also an army-type, also a uniformed-type, also a year younger than me... I found myself with a pair of scissors in my hand, blade towards the ankle. Too many things were swirling in my head, too many emotions I never let myself feel the first time around. I got lucky... at that exact moment in time my phone started ringing and it was my friend needing me to let her into the dorm. I got lucky.
Then yesterday was the 1-year itself. I went from the happy-go-lucky girl whenever I was around people, to bawling my eyes out. I'm not bipolar...but I swear... yesterday was intense! I'd had a horrible horrible fight with my mom earlier in the week and it was this overwhelming since of aloneness. It was recognizing that exactly one year ago my life changed forever in a way that was totally beyond my control. That man... he was the first to see me naked. He was the first to "go there" with me. He was the first guy I actually let sleep in my bed. I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday... I'm proud of the person I've become... but acknowledging why I got set on this path hit me 100% yesterday. I would zone out from what I was reading... at one point... I realized I was curled up in the fetal position just crying into my pillow. I finally just stopped trying to hide from it... I let myself call it a night academically and tried to stop crying. I've never been good with letting out emotion... call it a lifetime of being told to "stop crying" and "grow up" and "deal with it" and "get over it" and general minimizing of anything. I am not the person to get angry, sad, upset, hurt, irate or anything extreme. Last year I detached from my body... now I'm back. I don't want to feel everything this time though... I run from emotion... as my father always said, nothing productive ever came from emotion.
So I don't know. I've been in a funk ever since yesterday. I know I'm here and the things I do are good... striving to make changes in this world... but knowing that I got here because some bastard didn't care when i said "stop it" and when i was too drunk to put up a fight...
I just don't know. Will these dates always affect me this way? I don't want them to have that much influence over me!!! What do y'all do? Is this as freakish as it sounds... or natural?