Hey all, as Take Back the Night approaches I've been craving the community of survivors and found you guys.
My name is Levi. I'm a survivor of perhaps too much to put here, or too much to articulate properly.
As a small, small child (3, 4, 5) I was sexually abused by my mother; I blocked these memories until I was 18 and living on the streets. Many of my relationships in the early years of dating were based around power struggles that all too often crossed the line. I am also a recovering alcoholic and addict, at the time I was using and all too often my relationships relied on drugs not respect.
None of these words show what I really need to say or what I really need to express. All too often I hide in the shell of the bare details, refusing to push further. My alcoholism, addiction, and bipolar disorder only serve as greater functions in the pattern of avoidence. It is easier to hide than to be real.
Never would I want to take what I have experieced away from myself; however, I would never wish it on someone else either. I would not be the person I am without every single experience up until this very moment--and for once in my life I do love the person who looks back in the mirror (for all her emotions, flaws, and assets.) I love the person I am today, I love the strength and power my abuse has given me today; it is not the battle of dealing with the abuse so much anymore, it is primarily the battle of dealing with trying to find a community where I fit (I'm a 21 year old college student who feels like she is 40.) In high school the community where I fit was the domestic violence, sexual assault, and incest prevention community; I spent three years of high school as a peer educator in a domestic violence prevention program. This community still remains a powerful (albeit geographically distant) force in my daily life...hopefully, you guys will be able to give me that strength of survival yet again.