Tags: anxiety

(no subject)

i posted this entry in borderline earlier, but i thought some of you might be able to relate to these feelings as well.

this terrible kind of fear, an excitement that is without hope, that awaits only the news of some further grief, failure or humiliation and torture. a lassitude that enters the soul and makes you hope for better things and better work tomorrow, but hope without belief and conviction.

and the anger may be sparked by a particular offense, but underneath the spark lies an arsenal of fear from the threat of disappointment and abandonment.

boredom seems to swell like a balloon inside my head; it becomes a pressure inside the skull; sometimes i fear this balloon will burst and i will lose my reason. particularly when i'm alone, i lose the sensation of existing, of feeling real. marilyn monroe said that without people around her, she would fall into a void, "endless and terrifying".

for most people, solitude is longed for, an opportunity to reflect on memories and matters important to their well-being. but with a weak sense of self, you look back at only vacant reflections.

it's a staircase going neither up or down, we don't move, today is today, always is today.

looping

I have a question. I was fifteen minutes late to my therapy appointment yesterday. I woke up at 8, fell back to sleep. woke up at 10:18 and had to be on other side of city in a suburb far away by 11. i chose to take a quick shower, because I went two days without one. I got there at 11:10, but by the time the receptionist called me in it was 11:15 and she did not even want to call my therapist telling me to reschedule. I told her that is up to him not her, and that traffic was really bad. she added the car accident thing. I just used it and lied. felt so guilty that i left him a message later confessing to the lie. I still had an ear infection in my ear, and went to after hours later and it has been there since Thursday last week, and the drops I have been using did not work all the way. I was ill, and I feel compelled to leave an other message telling him so he understands why I fell back to sleep. as I type, my right ear is ringing loudly and hurting me. My energy is better. I was sleeping all day. glad I have vacation time....

my question is this: I keep replaying my few minutes in his office. I let him read the previous post that I copy pasted into my text editor to share with him the stuff that happened on xmas. My question is, why do I keep replaying and looping my sessions, and try to analyze everything to death..... it is not just this, but other things that upset me. Is this part of the PTSD? To loop and obsess and replay things until you think you get what it means on as many levels as possible? i see his face, i see his tie, I see his watch, I hear his voice, I think about what words he chose..... and I wonder why.

I was scared to go yesterday any ways. he is helping me get through trauma. i am scared. I am becoming scared of him! do i tell him? it is not rational.

(no subject)

nothing has been going on with me, yesterday I was a complete and totaly biotch. I was just cranky I guess, at my group home they moved me down to the downstairs bedroom which I absolutely hate because I hate big bedrooms, because that is where most of my abuse happened in was big bedrooms. I resisted it for about a week but got tired of hearing the "you are the only kid in the house right now that we trust to be in the downstairs bedroom" speal so I moved. I sleep like crap I wake up like every hour to an hour and a half. plus I can't sleep with lights on, but the only way I can be down in that bedroom is with the hallway light on and the door wide open. That way if I feel trapt inthere or unsafe for any reason while I am in there I have a clear easy shot out of the room. So, I'm not sleeping good at night, plus I just had my wisdom teeth on Tuesday, which btw SUCKED. well, it didn't until like 2 or 3 days after and I didn't have any pain either until Friday. It was mostly the drooling and not being able to feel my face that I hated. I had to eat baby food and yogurt which sucked too because I drooled it down the front of me, but it was kinda funny. I almost fell out of the chair when I first woke up from anestetic my dad caught me thankfully. Then I walked into a wall, and then into a door. =) I'm so goofy, haha. I have a camera full of pics of it all I'll have to get them developed and put them on here lol... I looked like a moron. One staff at the house started singing Alvin and the Chipmonks to me whenever he saw me, haha. I'm still swollen on my left side and have a gi-normous (which isn't even a word lol) on my jaw line, well its not too big, but I think it is just because it is on my face and I hate things on my face that don't belong there. anyway, I better go now... class is getting ready to end...

with love,
me

(no subject)

Sometimes it is hard for me to go shopping alone. Some days I can feel everything that everyone around me is feeling. So many people at the grocery store were depressed, stressed or mean. It was overwhelming.
Sometimes certain people creep me out so much that I do not even want to breathe as I walk past them. I've never met them and just in passing they seem so "wrong".
On the other end of it I can instantly like a person and am very uplifted by anyone in a positive mood

Does this make sense?

Are there any other survivors of emotional abuse that get a heightened sensitivity to others emotions?
Bear

Thought stirring question of the week: Waiting for the other shoe to drop

If you haven't heard of the phrase "Waiting for the other shoe to drop", it's usually used to describe that feeling of dread, waiting for something bad to happen. You know that feeling when things are going well, and it just feels like it's too good to be true, like there's some catch to having this happiness? That's the feeling that "Waiting for the other shoe to drop" describes.

Many survivors of trauma and abuse experience this feeling. Whether it's because we were always most hurt when things were calm and stable, or our abusers intentionally attacked us when we felt good - it can be really tough to trust the feelings of safety, happiness, stability, and love.

Life is full of twists and turns, and for survivors sometimes it feels doubly so. Each random kick to the shins life gives you is bound to trigger you back to your trauma. After all, bad things always happen when we're feeling good, right? Even our own brains sometimes do this. We are most likely to recall a repressed memory or have a flashback when we are feeling stable, as your brain feels you are capable of handling stress better when you're already stable. So even when we can find happiness and safety away from our abusers, our happiness can be shortlived.

It can take a lot of time to get that feeling to stop coming up so strongly - a lot of time when you can consistently focus on accepting the unexpected bad things, and reassure yourself that your happiness didn't cause the bad things to happen. Consistency over time is the best way to fight that feeling, learning to trust life and people one step at a time before you can trust that things will happen and you can handle them

So this week's questions:
- When have you experienced this feeling of dread in your life?
- Have there been any times, even small ones, when you've been able to overcome that feeling? And if so, how?

Bonus:
- Examining when you most often have this feeling of dread, is there a feeling that connects them all? For example, do you feel people will betray you? Do you dread your partner cheating on you? Is there a common thread between most of those times?
cecilia virgin suicides

(no subject)

i just came back from seeing the play Gum by Karen Hartman put on by my university.
i just relate a little too much
its about female mutilation
and so much more
i just feel like
i dont know
i want to scream and the one person whom i could seek solace from has the door closed, might not be here right now, and i dont want to bother
i feel like screaming
i feel like clawing on my ribcage
sometimes i wish i had the courage to slide something sharp and see my own blood but i never was a cutter or anything
i just dont know
i feel like i come from an entirely different place on this subject
i wish i could write my paper on the play right now
but i cant
because then i would have to talk about my own experiences with rape and molestation and destruction, since i am so emotional right now, and i dont want to make my poor innocent beautiful TA read that. she looks so pure. i would hope she wouldnt relate.
i dont know
someone squeeze the anxiety out of me please please please

Hmm...

I think I'm disassociating again... I woke up with scratch marks on my sides and stomach. They hadn't bled, which is good considering I used to be much worse. But it is still bad, nonetheless. I need to tell my therapist about this, but I only see her every other week because my parents' income is very low right now. I'm not sure if I'm seeing her this week...

My anxiety has been having its ups and downs. One minute I'm content as can be, the next I'm shaking and putting the covers over my head. I don't like the uncertainty of it all... it's all too familiar and I would prefer not to end up back in the hospital.

I was wondering, what kind of medications has anyone taken that stabilized some anxiety symptoms? I've taken klonopin for my anxiety. I've taken Wellbutrin, Prozac, and Lexapro for depression. I'm probably going back on meds and would like to know of any experiences you have had with certain meds. I know when I was on several at a time I lost my appetite and dropped to 76 pounds. (I'm 5' tall.) I don't want to go back to that.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I hope everyone is well. :)