May 11th will be a year after I was sexually assaulted and I'm a bit worried about how I'll react and behave cos I think I'll dwell on things more than normal and I have a tendency to do stupid things when I'm upset. I was wondering what other people did to take their mind off things on the 'aniversary' of any traumatic event - any help would be greatly appreciated! xxx
i just wanted to know if anyone can relate to me...
October was the month that my rape happened. it brings back really really bad memories.. of trick or treating with friends right past the dark forested spot where it happened... and nobody knowing... and how i felt like i didn't really understand what happened to me.. and feeling ashamed.
Since the second week of this month, i have been seriously upset. I'm depressed again. and although im taking meds, they don't seem to be working as well.
Unfortunetly, the second week in October every year is also when i have midterms. Needless to say, i didn't do so great.
Since the 8th or the 9th i have virtually shut down completely. And anyone who has been reading my posts along the way knows that i've made lots of progress, now i just feel like its all slipping between my fingers, as i sprial down into shut-down mode again.
im not functioning at all honestly. its a struggle to get through the days, and I'm also somewhat suicidal again.
i just get scared of going out in public, being alone ANYWHERE except in my bed room with the door closed (I've spent the past few weeks and weekends mostly in my bed, sleeping for large parts of the day).
I'm scared especially of MEN. like i really liked my zoology teacher he was really nice and stuff and was very very friendly i have some what of a crush on him... now... i can't even look at him. This is getting harder and harder for me. Thank GOD October is finally over..
can anyone relate to this or do you ever have trouble dealing around the time of the anniversary of the rape? and if you do, do you find it hard for friends or family to relate to you? or do they think you are over reacting or just 'don't care' something like that? has anyone ever tried really hard to do really BAD in school, just to kind of show how f*d up you feel?
i can feel myself getting really crazy again. i duno what it is. perhaps its the month of October and few months after that the aniversary of so many things happened. and i feel pain. like i really really do.
i'm having lots of trouble concentrating... even when i want to. I have really wanted to drink lots... but i don't.
i bought a six pack last night and drank 5. and it felt really good. knumb.
mom and i aren't getting along as well as we were. i'm in need of some more help, i think.
the therapy regarding my rape was done bout 2 weeks ago. but i still just keep having dreams and interupted sleep. i duno. for a while there... i was doing really really well.
now i feel like i'm knocked off the ball again. i went searching back through time through journals and diarys that hadn't been read or looked at for over 5 years. i discovered a tenative date of my rape. October 9, 1998.
I feel like there is a part of me that really just wants to be able to assign a 'day of mourning' or something to this part of my history, so that every year, i can feel bad. and its okay. but i can also compare to how far i have come since then, and feel happy again.
year after year, i have tried to ignore this anniversary, these few months where my life really changed forever. i have tried to go to school, pretend that everything was okay, and expect ONLY the BEST and the MOST out of myself... at a critical time in the school year. unfortunetly, this anniversary falls relativly close to the same dates of my midterms. so some added stress is well, brutal.
i am a smart girl. but i don't get to prove that during midterms when i feel that i am mourning for a part of my history. i don't even know if this makes any sense? am i going crazy or am i already crazy? i feel like someone opened up the top of my head and stired my brain around with a big spoon.
Does anyone else find things harder when the anniversary of the bad event (or events) comes around?
It's not an issue for the stuff when I was younger cos I can't remember dates, but the last major attack has a date and a time, and I'm coming up to it's second anniversary now. I'm ok the vast majority of the time now, but as the date gets closer I get more memories, depression, stress & general nasties. Last year I stayed with a friend over the period who knew about the whole business, but I still had a bit of a freak out where I froze up & such when we passed over the actual time.
This year I'll be at a friend's birthday party in another city. No-one there will know cos I don't like having to tell people over and over again & keeping it going as an issue. So I'll be somewhere with lots of people where I won't be able to dash off home in case I freak out, and I know at the moment that I need to have The Conversation again, as well as the date looming... I'm a bit stressed at the minute.
How does everyone else deal with anniversaries? Is it as much of an issue for other people?
Hey, I came across this community in my lj wanderings.
It is nearing the 6th year mark of when I was raped by someone who knew me extremely well.
I no longer think of myself as a victim, but there are those moments when the feelings just rush back in. There are still things that I struggle with. That I may always struggle with.
Living overseas now, I lost the close support of many friends who had been through similar experiences. At times, I really miss that. Most people here do not know what happened to me, whereas almost all my college friends in the States do know. Thankfully, I have a wonderful and supportive fiancee who supported me then and now and is an absolute lifesaver.
I know i haven't had the courage to write about what happened to me yet, but i'm just not quite ready to put it out here. Today is the six month anaversery of my major assault though. It's been a really rough day all around. I've got family pushing at me with phrases like "more productive" and "it's been six months how long is it suposed to take." crud.I'm still trying to heal physically much less emotionally. Yet family so doesn't get it. At least i've got a few friends that do. I've had a rough couple of days leading up to today anyway with intense flashbacks and memory stuff. I just want to make it through today. So very alone though.
It has been two years since my third rape. I was raped on my 21st birthday. Today (the 9th) is my birthday. Birthdays, once a magical day, had lost that electricity. All day, I was anxious, caught up. But, why dwell, right? So, I tell myself enjoy this day, enjoy your mother, enjoy the fact that you can survive another year.