I have befriended a first year student. She is a very sweet person and is having a hard time. She has to pass all her bredth exams still. I have been talking to her about them, and about 1st year, just speaking honestly about my experience and fears and things she can do to get herself through the exams.
A few days ago she thanked me for being open and telling it like it is, admitting even after the exams I'm on a rollercoaster. That some days are good and bad. She said not many people will talk to her, and they certainly won't give her advice or admit their fears. They treat her like they can't give her much time because she isn't where they are yet.
I am glad I can be there for her.
A 5th year student writing up her defense has befriended me. She is listening to my concerns and advising me. She is real in a department of egos. I can show emotion to her. She has battled anxiety and her daughter has inherited it.
THIS is the kind of cycle I am honored and blessed to be in. This is the humanity in the science, and it is not a fucking weakness. This is stronger than most of the people in the department can ever hope to be.
Need a break. Lost sample. Drug died. Boss told me to start it all over at 5pm. Told him I need time to study. He says "What will you learn at this point anyway". I cried in front of boss...and he just keeps talking about how I will react this and that then MALDI it then blah blah blah just work another 7 days straight and we will get this bullshit. Doesn't even acknowledge that I am in tears.
Sometimes I don't want to be here in grad school.
I'm trying not to be very depressed.
I feel like I dont have much time for anything beyond chemistry and lab right now...except I have these huge emotions welling up inside me that I NEED time to deal with, or just time to rest so that they don't seem so big.
Sometimes this seems like the best gig ever and sometimes it feels like fucking shit and I want to quit.
So I was planning to go see One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest in the university's cinema today, but then I saw something else is there today:
Metamorphosis – Special Discussion
Israel, 50 min, Documentary.
Directed by: Neta-lee Baron.
Metamorphosis is a combination between recent rape cases and myths about rape.
A discussion will follow the movie. The women from the movie will talk with the audience.
[taken from bgu4u.co.il]
There's no doubt in my mind I'm going to be there, but I can already feel the anxiety rising.
You know what's the scariest thing for me in these kinds of gatherings? Seeing there women I know. Last year, after there was a rape in campus and there was a discussion group about the myths of rape, meant to promote awareness, I came over and there was this woman that I have a few classes with. We are not close at all, in fact we barely say "hi" to each other - we just never clicked, I guess - but I hated the fact that she was there neverhteless, because I was sitting there before the meeting started and could shake this thought from my head - "maybe R. was *that* too".
You just don't want to see familiar faces because you don't want to deal with the thought that they may have (and if they're there, yeah, they probably were) been *that*. Somehow after that meeting last year I would be in class and I'd think, okay, I know for sure now, there's more than one survivor in this class, it'd make me uncomfortable for some reason. I hate the statistics and I hate the numbers, and trust me I see numbers every day because almost in every stall in the girls' bathrooms in the U there's a sticker of the rape crisis center and hotline. You're sitting there with your pants down and it's right there in front of your face, reminding you.
I don't know where I'm going with this, I'll just shut up now.
[x-posting to my journal and to the survivors community]
this is an after-thought from my entry this morning in the borderline group...i was wondering if anyone could give me input or just share that they relate...
my counselor last year (the one who i saw for the rape) told me (this was after i had "recovered" after four months of therapy) that there is usually a major relapse about a year after the rape...i think i've finally figured out that my current situation is a relapse, for the following reasons. i'd like anyone who thinks they have authority on the subject to tell me if they think this constitutes a "relapse:"
1. I have been having less fun/not trusting my guy friends. Actually it's much more superficial than that. I see them all as walking penises, regardless of their behavior - I will rationalize their behaviors as mere superficial manifestations of each of their unique pasts. Some of them are goofy, sweet, shy, etc - but I still feel resentment and this aching, sad feeling that if they weren't so oblivious they would realize that all they want in life is sex. Some are more blatant about it, some ashamed, some very artful about the craft of womanizing...but regardless, i resent them and their seemingly insatiable desire/preoccupation with sex, whether it is manifested through actually having sex, looking at porn, talking about women and their bodies, as if they are not people, etc. The problem with this is that i know they're good boys. But I can't stop THINKING this way. And it makes me angry, sad, frustrated, etc.
2. I had to withdraw from a class because i developed a hatred for my professor. it's especially frustrating because he currently has NY time's best seller on the market. in class he talked a lot about nomadic people, mentioning women being "captured" from different tribes. he only talked about it several times, but these casual remarks about rape have made me so upset over the past couple months that i have developed a great hatred for him and the class. i couldn't find a way out of it. i just stopped listening in class and felt like crying sometimes because it would cause emotional flashbacks.
3. i have been having these problems so bad that i feel like i have to talk to my boyfriend about it. we never really "fight" but we have short spats that usually end as soon as they begin. but it's been so frequent that i feel i have to get 'information' from him about the 'male sex' because i just "don't get it." i have the instinct that HE will be able to explain away my worries. but he just gets offended as if he's supposed to 'defend his sex.'
4. i've just been generally on edge, not trusting, angry, apathetic, sarcastic, and generally distant.
thanks for considering this for me. over all, i was wondering if you think group therapy for rape would help me. i thought maybe one of you might have had an experience with it...
thank you thank you thank you
i am a fucking mess.
Hi. I'm new. ::waves::
I'm having a tough couple of weeks, and I'm not really sure what to do about it. This time of year is always really difficult for me, as it triggers lots of memories and feelings that I'd rather not face. This year it has been especially tough because I am in my first year of a very demanding PhD program.
The trouble is this: I know that I am very, very blessed. So many incest survivors will never recover enough to do the things that I am able to do with my life. I have a wonderful partner, stable finances, reasonably good physical health, and good employment prospects (assuming I can finish the PhD). I recognize how lucky I am to have those things, and I don't want to let down the other survivors who (through no fault of their own) will never have the chance to have so much. But that doesn't mean that it isn't really hard. I still have so many, many days where I have no motivation, where my emotions threaten to overwhelm me at any second. I still live with depression and PTSD symptoms every day, and they do interfere with my ability to function. I have an excellent therapist and a very nice psychiatrist who monitors my meds, and we all do the best we can. But I feel as though I will never be able to keep up with the "rest of the world", the ones who don't have the sort of stressors in their life that we survivors have. No one else in my program seems to feel as burnt out as easily as I do; they seem to be at ease in social situations, comfortable interacting with the professors, happily close to their families. Maybe that's not the case, but it seems that way to me. I, instead, am stressed out just by attending class; I am terrified of interacting with my professors, because I have a history of breaking down in tears when I deal with male authority figures, and I don't want to do that this time; I find a phone call from my parents to be so triggering that it can leave me in a dissociated state for the rest of the day.
My psychiatrist suggested today that I register with the disabilities services office at my school, so that I can drop back to fewer classes at a time if I need to do so. That's how I managed to survive college, but college is a different atmosphere than grad school. I'm worried that if I take fewer classes, people will notice, and they will want to know why. Everyone in our program takes exactly the same courseload every semester for two years. If I deviate from that schedule, it won't go unnoticed. I just don't know how I would explain it to people - I like to keep my privacy, and I don't want to have to disclose my history just to get them to leave me alone. I don't know. What do you all think? Are any of you in a graduate program, or have any of you completed one? Or have any of you had to take a lot of time off from work? How did you deal with it?
P.S. - Can I just say that I hate the Halloween themed LJ header? And I hate their presumption that anyone who didn't like it was just trying to spoil their fun? I find Halloween very triggering and I hate that I can't remove that banner from the top of my journal. :(
so william has tryed to call me like 6 times today but i didn't answer he left a message and i'm affraid to listen to it today was prettty ok i guess as i stated in my other post i didn't go to the court date today but the people did call me to let me know what happend and i guess he never showed they put a bench warrant out for him then late tonight he got arrested i'm suppose to have court now today/wesday but again ain't going b/c they told me the out comes what where most likely going to be which i already knew he's going to have to stay on supervision now until he's 18
skewl is like a month away and i'am getting really nervus b/c i'm going to be trying to go full days of skewl instead of half days i'm afraid of not being able to do it which i'm gonna push myself as hard as i can to stay in full days of skewl this is a huge step but i think i can do it i hope b/c my freshmen year i ended up not going at all after being assulted then sophmore yr i was doing half days now this yr we're trying for full ahhhh it's just stressful just thinking about but ya thats about it for now