Something we see so often in this community are people making connections. When one of us has a big realization in our own recovery and we share it, it can help others also make similar connections, or re-examine some aspect of their abuse. Many of us can read about the same situation from many different people, or even read about it in many different books, but sometimes, just the wording someone uses is the only way it finally *clicks* for us.
Sometimes, hearing it from another survivor, in that particular wording they use can make a huge connection in our minds that we had thus far mixed. It's one of the beautiful ways survivors can help each other in recovery - just by sharing your story, or sharing tips on how you cope with particular things, it can change someone's life for the better!
So this week's questions: - How have others' stories helped you make connections? What connections have they helped you make? - How have your stories helped others make connections?
I have kinda been out of it since Jan, with surgery. Physical Therapy is not so fun.
Basically, I have been thinking a lot which sometimes is dangerous.
After rape, even after healing...which I haven't found...things can't be the same. I think I keep trying to get back to the place I was at BEFORE, but that doesn't exist. That was taken along with other things. Normal isn't there. There will always be a before and after, things are disconnected. There is a timeline in my life with the events prior to rape and after rape. Everything after has been touched by that event. Relationships have suffered, and I have been to blame.
I was talking with a good friend who is a therapist the other day. Talking about your junk doesn't mean you are working through your junk. It keeps things stirred up in your mind so you can't forget. I feel like that is the new goal. Just forget it. Put that night, and those memories away and keep them there.
I wish i could turn back time, and then maybe i would have the chance to be a child. When i was younger, i was always having to deal with problems like an adult and having to cope with hurt and pain. I never got the chance to be happy and normal, but instead i lived in fear, hiding from the rest of the world. Growing up, i abandoned the person that i used to be, and become someone completely new. I forgot that the old me had feelings. I spent years growing up as though childhood hadn't existed, that is until i hear the old me crying at night. I realise that she had a voice and that she had so many things she wanted to tell the world. My inner child had been suffering in silent while i forgot all about her. I'm now trying to think of ways to help her cope with her past and maybe then i'll be able to have an attempt at healing myself.
When something tramatic happens, we tend to convince ourselves we are now required to become someone else, and leave the old 'us' behind. For most, it's a feeling of moving on, and for others, we find it simply easier to forget what happened and focus on our new lives.
'It's never too late to be what you might have been'.
I read another writers icon which had that sentence written in it. Suddenly, I realized I don't have to become someone new in order to put my past in it's place. I've mentioned a few times that I miss the old me. The me that everyone loved...The me that I loved. Up until I read that, I had been determined that creating a new life for myself was the only way i'd ever really move on and be able to forget what happened to me. Truth is, whether I create a new life or not, my past is still with me and it's something i'll never forget. What i've gained from this has so far only been a nice thought, but hopefully i'll find enough strength in myself to make it a reality and slowly but surely be able to bring back the me I once was.
I have a lot on my mind, which isn't unusual for me. I am a thinker by nature. I joke about someone can say something to me today and I will respond two weeks later. I like to process things in my own time.
I am a laid back, go with the flow kinda person. Anyway I say all of that just to simply say I have been thinking. I realized something today. I am the only one responsible for what happens to me from now on. I have had a crappy past, my parents, the rape, cutting, my parents being sick...a lot of things I didn't choose, some that I did. But now I have a choice. I have to at some point distance myself from the hurt, accept it for what it is, and what it was...and then move on. I am responsible to learn new ways to cope, ways that weren't modeled for me.
This is so tough. But I know I must learn to trust again. So much hurt has taken place, and I don't want to invite anymore in. However I can't live like this. so I have to make the decision to either live or not, and because I want to live then I have to really live. Anyway so here goes, I am ready to really heal.