Tags: healing

(no subject)

I have befriended a first year student. She is a very sweet person and is having a hard time. She has to pass all her bredth exams still. I have been talking to her about them, and about 1st year, just speaking honestly about my experience and fears and things she can do to get herself through the exams.
A few days ago she thanked me for being open and telling it like it is, admitting even after the exams I'm on a rollercoaster. That some days are good and bad. She said not many people will talk to her, and they certainly won't give her advice or admit their fears. They treat her like they can't give her much time because she isn't where they are yet.
I am glad I can be there for her.
A 5th year student writing up her defense has befriended me. She is listening to my concerns and advising me. She is real in a department of egos. I can show emotion to her. She has battled anxiety and her daughter has inherited it.
THIS is the kind of cycle I am honored and blessed to be in. This is the humanity in the science, and it is not a fucking weakness. This is stronger than most of the people in the department can ever hope to be.
hippo

(no subject)

So last night I was salveging things off the hard drive of my old laptop, because I'm getting a shiny new laptop(squee!!). Anyway, my boyfriend was sitting next to me and looking over my shoulder now and then. "Word document: 'things my mother said'. What's that?" he asked. "In the funny way? Or the not so funny way?" "Not so funny way," I replied.

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ali and lilo

(no subject)

Hello sisters (and brothers).

I've been thinking so often lately how lucky I am to have found this group, and how I'd like to appreciate you all more than I have, so here I am doing it!

Thank you all so much for being here.

It has meant so much to me over the past 2 years(!!!) to know that I've had a willing set of ears here, whenever I needed it, that I could take a hiatus when I wanted/needed to, and that I'd always be welcome back if/when I wanted/needed to come back. You are all such an invaluable resource - THANK YOU.

Lately, as it seems to be for many, my life has been SUCH a mix of ups and downs. I'm beginning an amazing love relationship with a man who is SO communicative and sensitive and beautiful and open and accepting, it excites me to no end and scares the shit out of me at the same time. He meets me at every level, and challenges me to grow one step further. Its amazing. (see my personal journal, the entries entitled "Benjamin" for more details - aliwadha:) )

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For those of you that clicked my "aliwadha" link, you'll see I've been feeling really anxious lately. I think part of it has to do with my job. I work in social service with low-income clients of a food pantry and homeless shelter. Lately many of my food pantry clients have had a history of domestic violence, and I totally freeze up when they tell me. Intellectually I know that its out of my scope of practice to try to help them in that realm, and might even be unethical for me to try b/c of my lack of training, but something deep in the core of me starts glowering, and I can feel myself both turning red and freezing up in my words and thoughts as I hear about it. Its not so directly triggering that I get flashbacks or anything like that (I never experienced physical abuse, but it feels close enough to sexual violence to hit close to home), but there's still a deer-in-headlights/righteous indignation response that I"m having that is interfering with my ability to think clearly and do my work properly (which entails giving referrals for rent/legal aid/job search/food stamps/etc services in the area). Do any of you have experience in this kind of thing, and if so, how did/would you handle it?

The weird thing is, part of me feels kind of *good* to be able to relate to these women in this way - like we have some sort of sisterhood, but I know that I get stuck there for 20min to an hour afterwards, and taht doesn't feel so good.

And now, I am going to sleep.

Thanks again, lovelies. You mean so much to me.

**Love and Light**

~Alison

x-posted to my personal journal for memory purposes:)

Hey guys, I haven't been on in a while.. How is everybody?

Sorry I haven't been on much, I have a lot of catching up to do in this wonderful community now. I just am not sleeping tonight, and I was thinking. I think way too much sometimes, and other times, not enough.

10 years ago, even 5 years ago, even 1 or 2 years ago, if someone had told me this is what my life would be like now, I would have said they were insane.

But like holy crap.

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Okay, this has gone a bit off topic from what I started it as... what I started off say was I'm practically the opposite of what I had thought/hoped to be when I was a kid. 10 years ago, I never thought I'd date who I date, fuck who I fuck, do what I do for a living, spend time doing the things I do. Sometimes I can't get over how different it is, and I'm always either in awe or smiling, or both.

A LOT of llusions have been dispelled. Reality has hit me, sorta full force I guess.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

Question--

I would like to know if anyone else has felt the way that I am feeling now-- I seem to be making a conscious decision to put alot of my past behind me, not necessarily ignoring that it happened but I'm getting tired of having it run my life. I'm not running from it, I've just realized that I can't change what happened, only the way that I react to it. I'm by far not even close to having this mission complete but I'm giving it a try. Anyone else travelled this road? Thanks
Buddies

Baby Steps

Tonight I was with Justin, a boy I have been dating for a while now. And I was playing around with his guitar, and he lit some incense. It smelled great. And that was about it.. I kept on playing.

But you know what that means, right?

Last fall I was raped by a man of the Indian culture. He burned a vast array of incense for his rituals, from what I could tell it was nag champa. But ever since then, whenever I smelled anything remotely like it, I would freeze up. I mean, freak out, have flashbacks, whatever you want to call it. His place was heavily scented from it. And thats what a "trigger" was for me.

As I was walking out the door tonight, I realized.. I didn't even think about it. No memories, nothing. My only thought of it was that it smelled good.

Oh, I felt free. More than friggin free. Maybe this means I can move on with it and heal.
beauty

An open letter

(I posted this a couple days ago in my own journal, but I wanted to share it with people who might have a better understanding of where it comes from.. and why I needed to write it.. My ex and i were together for several years, but I'm sure that's a story told here far too often.. and instead of looking back, I look ahead. This does have my daughter's name in it, I'm not planning to edit it out unless it's a major problem for people.. )


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never ending story

(no subject)

Hey girls, I have just added this to my journal, I wanted to put it in here too, considering all of you are so supportive, and it's helping me to know that I am communicating fully and with all details, in some medium at least. It's still hard to recount exact details face to face.

I never thought I would get over the depression, but I have, I have come out of the other side, and I am stronger for it. Here’s my story, it’s been cut for length, I can’t seem to be able to write short stories.

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So, I think I have beaten it, all hope has come back into my life, the possibilities for the future are endless now, just looking forward, not backwards anymore, it’s been bloody hard though, but that time has helped me learn more about myself than I ever could. I am me, I’m still here, I’m a survivor.
Bear

(no subject)

In thinking you can speak for me, you take away my voice.
In putting labels as to who you think is or is not a survivor, you add to the cycle of abuse, fear, and shame
The cycle of rejection begins again it seems, but do not fear

No one has a right to tell you that you cannot have the support you are looking for from others.

No one can keep the love of the world and the Divine from you, nor can they keep my internal mother bear's love away from you.

No matter why you are here, no matter how healed or broken you feel

You are welcome. Always and without question, we support you.