Tags: domestic violence

marie :)

Someone to talk to.

I know quite a lot of you must have talked to someone about your experiences whether it be a councillor, pyschologist, victim support, etc... What I need is some information along those lines.

Since something happened to me [i still can't even say it] when I was 9, so 7 years ago, I've never actually spoken to someone about it properly & I feel that it would really help me get over it. However, there are a few problems.

+ I'm petrified of opening up to a stranger
+ I'm petrified of talking about what happened
+ I'm terribly shy
+ I don't know what to expect.
+ Will it actually help in the end?

I once went to Womans Aid [when I was 10] to talk about the domestic abuse which me & my Mum suffered. But at this time I hadn't confessed to what happened to me. We didn't actually talk about anything. They showered me with gifts, played games & took me to the cinema. I met some other kids too. The reason for not disussing it was probably my age. I'm guessing. I stopped going after a while.

I then went back to the Womans Aid around 2 years ago, after I had told people what happened. This time, I went once & the lady, who was very nice but at the same time a total stranger who I didn't want to open up to, had a nice chat about school & friends & we had coffee & cake. All was going well until she mentioned watching 'a video' & starting to talk about what happened the next time I visited. 'Video?!?! Of what?' I never went back.

I've not talked to anyone since but I have received a letter from the Police saying that I'm welcome to use the Victim Support service they have. Has anyone took advantage of this? Another lady visited my house, unexpected, introduced herself & why she was there & I burst into tears. She realised that it was a very touchy subject, still, & that I [& I agree] need to get used to talking about it & get over it a little. But [I was 15 at this point] my Mum would need to be present when I spoke to her. No way.

She suggested keeping a diary of thoughts. I've been doing that but it's not helping me. My feelings are just "DIE DIE DIE, I hate this, why me? what will happen" etc & I'm getting nowhere with trying to remember details. I'm not even sure if I should remember. I shouldn't because it makes me think of it more, but I should because what if it does go to court?

So I guess you can tell that I'm in a confused state. I want to talk to someone about this, I'm almost sure that it will help me, but I don't know what to expect. Do I just walk in & talk about what happened? I haven't got a clue what will happen. Plus, does my Mum still need to be present if I'm 16 now? Mehh.
domestic violence

Hello

Greetings...my name is Sonia. I am 28 years old from Texas and I'm a survivor of Domestic Violence. I'm so happy that I found this community...unfortunately our circumstances have left us no choice but to "meet" one another on such grim terms. However, I am fortunate to have found a community such as this one. I appreciate it.

I wanted to remind everyone that October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Please wear your purple ribbons with pride. I wear mine every single day with the hope that I can educate someone or help someone in an abusive situation.

peace.

(no subject)

I was browsing through old blogs I've had in the past, and came across a story that I found very amazing. I'm not sure who wrote it, and I'm not sure if it was a true story. But either way, it was stunning. I'm sorry for making two posts in one day, I'm not sure if it's allowed. But I just had to share it with everyone. Someone may have already posted it in the past, if so... feel free to delete it.

Put behind lj-cut for length and possible triggers:

Collapse )

i FeEl LiKe A mArTyR

So hello everyone, this is my first post here. It was suggested to me by my awesome fantabulous friend Hayley! I am happy about finding somewhere where I can talk about things and be understood and not judged for it. Where people won't look at me w/shock on their faces if I ever say anything, and where it's not as embarrassing or shameful to say things about it. Sometimes I just want to say something about things b/c there are just some days when things bring back memories and there's nobody there to help me get away from it. Nobody that I can talk to about it to keep me from dwelling on it and becoming depressed. I know that all of it shouldn't depress me after so long, but it does. This isn't really that descriptive or anything like that, but the rules to this said to put anything that might upset other in an lj-cut, so...

Collapse )

I'm out! Peace be to ya! - Midori

hi

Hi. Well i am new to this so bare with me. My name is Cynthia and i am 17 years old. I really dont consider myself a survior but my friends do. I know its really long but i had to write it somewhere.

while my parents were married, me and my sister saw all the abuse my father put my mother threw. My father had a drinking problem and took it out on my mom and my sister. I was his favorite daughter. We did everything together.
When i was 12ish my parents got a divorce. I cried for days. My father left and moved to Brooklyn NY, which was hours away from where my mom lived. But he would come every weekend and get me. To make a long story short, my dad made me believe that my mother was such a horriable person. And me being only 12 i believed him. So i went and i moved in with him.
Things were great between me and him. Like i said before we did everything together. He was my best friend.
Then i turned 16. One day my dad went out to a party at work. He met this lady named Mary. Things changed between me and him. There was weeks that he never came home. All he did was leave me money and tell me to be good. Since he never came home i was going out with my friends. They became my family. Thats when my dad became abusive to me. He was thinking that i was out doing all these drugs and drinking every day. Yes i was drinking but not everyday. Just as much as other teenagers do. He used to do the same things to me as he did to my mother. He called me sooo many names that i cant even write them all. He told me that i will make nothing of my life and that im a descrace to my family. So then i stade out more and more because i was afraid to come home. Afraid to see my father. Afraid to see the man i used to call my best friend. He would hit me and throw stuff at me and make me feel like im useless.
The day that i new i had to get out of that house was the day that things got bad. It was November 1. i remember because Halloween was the night before. He came home and was very pissed because two of my friends slept over. he told them to get out. so when they left he was yelling and screaming at me. i went into my room and got my purse and told him im leaving. he didnt want me to leave and he blocked the doorway out of my room. i was fighting with him to let me leave and he put his arm around my neck. i couldnt believe that he would try to chock me, but he was. the only way i could fight back was to bite him so i did..many times. that made him even more mad. while i was leaving he threw me into my dresser. then i told him i was going to the police. i left the house and was on my way to the police station. he got in the car and was following me, screamin please cynthia dont get me arrested. and right then i thought..this man was my best friend, i cant do this. so i went to my friends house instead where i sat there all day crying. I went home and i dont remember what happened.
The day i moved back with my mom is a day i will never forget. My dad drove me there with all my stuff. I never seen him so happy before. I love living here. I love seeing my mother and just to here her say that she loves me. I miss my friends that i had in Brooklyn but i will never go back. I still cry about the bad days with my father but i cry even more because if i never moved there, none of that would have happened.
Wanna bettaworld

Coming out...

As a survivor of domestic abuse as a child, I witnessed many physical attacks on my mother. As a boy who grew up with an alcoholic father, I was determined to grow up to be different, a better person than he was, if possible.

What I saw at home was not encouraging. i sought role models elsewhere. I left home at 19. I saw dad hit mum, and this time decided that enough is enough. His name is on the rent book, and if he did not kill her, he could hit is wife as often and as hard as he liked. It was the law. So he threw me out.
Domestic violence is so often perpetrated by men against women that some want to claim it as a women'ss issue. i can undestand female anger and distrust, but I would point out that when a man hits a five year old boy's mother in front the child, he is abusing the child as well as the woman.
Since growing up, I have come across militant feminists who argue along the lines that there is a patriarcal conspiracy out there, that all men are in it together to keep women down, and that women need to look to each other to change things.
I am saddened that even guys like Michael Moore take this tack.
I want to argue that child abuse, domestic violence, and even sexual violence is not gender specific. Males as well as females are on the recieving end, and sometimes it is mothers who are the perpetrators.
We need to come together to defeat something that harms everyone. i have come across organisations like Al Anon, who offer support to families and frinds of alcoholics. I have found them helpful, but in my situation, it's outing myself and my abuser that I want. I have friends who are adult who will not come out, and i respect their choices. Where a daughter who is now an adult has a mother who's still alive, and chooses to keep silent because it would destroy mother to find out what her dear dead husband did many years ago, I support the daughter's decision to keep silent. The abuse can hurt no one else. However, where abuse continues, I salute all those who have had the courage to leave abusive relationships and to name abusers.
Part of the legacy of my own abuse was a need to act as a 'rescuer', to take responsibility for everything and everyone around me. It lead to me forming relationships with women who just hooked onto me cause I was there, and needed someone to turn to. i thought i was doing the right thing helping out. i was not being loved or valued, however. just being used. so I got out.
The patterns I had learned as a child were being repeated in my adult life. I sacrificed who I was and what I wanted to keep other people OK, and was rejected when it did not work.
a clear message that society sent out, via dad, via tv and movies , was that to have a successful relationship with a woman, you had to show her who was the boss. Even though I met many women who were weak and irresponsible, I wa determined not to be like dad. I had a divorce from my 1st wife after 10 years, but when the patterns began repeating, when women I was in a relationship with turned to ciggarettes and alcohol, I moved on, determined to find someone who had values to match my own. I did not drink, did not smoke, and wanted a marraige to an equally responsible loving partner, not someone who shunned self help books and therapy in favour of booze and cigarettes. Eventually, I did.
My wife and I have been together 8 years this September. We have our own space and many mutual interests and friends.
I can see that for a woman who has experienced domestic abuse or sexual violence it can seem that you are alone, an can only turn to other women for understanding and support, and I do want to support female survivors.
However, I want to say to them that we, men, are not the enemy. We too suffer the result. I want to say to other guys out there that if you are a male survivor, you are not alone. Mothers, you can bring up sons who respect women, hold down decent jobs and who are better and more successful in life than their fathers.
i have survived and gone on to be a union rep, someone who has handled cases of sexism and sexual harrassment at work. I am also someone in a loving relationship with someone who loves me for myself, not because she is desperately hanging on to someone who is there.
I have learned to say 'no'. To tell others that they are responsible to themselves for themselves instead of trying to be responsible for them.
After a 3 year struggle, I have managed to out myself and out my dad as an abuser. It was met with resistance at first, but you have to be strong.
Surviving is not just existing. When you know how to survive, you can start to live.
Wanna bettaworld

Hi...

I post as Minto Grubb, a pen name from another community.
My father walked out when I was born. he wanted a girl. I had uncles, gradparents. they forced him to come back to mum, but he was not a willing father or good parent.
I grew up with physical and mental abuse myself. dad also hit mum a lot. seeing my mother being beaten around was not something I wanted. It was abusing her, and abusing me also.
In my teens, I found it neccessary to stand up and defend mum physically. When I was 19, dad threw me out.
I recently read a post by a freind that lead to a community being founded.
Although sexual abuse is not part of my upbringing or experience, I know someone who is a survivor of sexual abuse. so I joined. The community name is nopity.
Recently, I have tried to out myself as a survivor of domestic abuse.
I have also joined Al Anon, but I did not think anonymity suited me, so I left.
Coming outtook a two year struggle.
With hindsight, I would say get to know people first. Let them see you as a colleague, as a fellow club member, or whatever. When they accept you, that is when to come out. the people I kne longest were the ones who were most Ok about it. Newbies on the scene were anxious to stay in denial or try to justify dad's behaviour. However, the leadership of older friends with clout and influence in the community brought them round.
I feel that we have to come out, and 'out' our abusers for who they are.
No Pity. No Shame. No Silence.
Thanks for listening.

(no subject)

Like many people in this journal I don't know how I found my way here but I found the strong need to post. I am now celebrating my 1st year away from home and the domestic abuse of my father. My case, like many others has lasted as long as I can remember but only recently have I been able to stand up for myself and talk about it.

My father has spent most of my life verbally abusing me with saying he would beat me up/kill me when ever I used to get in the away of him physically abusing my mom. As the years went on I gained the strength to stand up against him and soon I became the target of infrequent bashings. Yet despite all this my mother never did leave him, the teachers at school ignored me when I told them what was happening and my extended family just stoped calling. Eventually this led to the gradual build up of him one day smashing my 15 year old sister on a wall and kicking her then trying to strangle her on the ground as she cried out in pain. I don't know how I did it but I some how managed to drag her away and call the cops, and finally had 2 counts of assualt placed on him and had children's aid envolved. Despite this to this day my mom hates me for my choice, and she actually yelled at me for my choice to call the cops. I was hence forth kicked out of the house and some how I have gathered my pennies together to afford safety.

So to all those reading I suppose the best advice I can give is don't feel guilty, and keep seeking attention no matter how many people turn you down because if you just sit and wait nothing is going to improve. I've finally lost the shame of my past and I'm proud to finally be able heal...