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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
 
never ending story
I think I have been fooling myself, getting myself in a postitive mental space, getting on with things and setting myself goals that I may not have been ready for. I think depression is looming over me again, and I don't understand it, as things are going well for me, in fact, things are going really well for me at the moment. My work is fantastic and I am fucking it up by not being there today, my relationship has its ups and downs like any other, but generally is going really well.

I have wanted to quit smoking for some time, and have failed miserably again. I had a huge row with with my partner last night over something trivial, and it's affected me much deeper than it should emotionally. I have been having some morbid thoughts recently which I have posted to my journal, and will copy and paste under an lj-cut at the bottom, I think I am driving myself up the bloody wall, when things are actually going ok, maybe I just can't deal with happiness anymore.

I have an appointment with my doctor later on today, and I am sitting here wondering why? I know I am not really ok, and even though I wish it was gone, I think I have been willing the pain away and have just ended up storing it in a little locked box for later. Is this later? Is it normal to feel like you have made it out of depression, to feel like things are going forward, to then realise later maybe you haven't? Or am I emotionally detached myself too far, and unrealistically and it's just blown up in my face?

Here are some thoughts I have been having recently, which I don't particularly think are healthy, and are distressing to be honest. I'm not sure if it is appropriate to share, but right this very minute, I feel trapped, and have no idea how to get out of this cycle. (like I mentioned, just copied and pasted)

What would happen if the lowlife who raped me started working where I doCollapse )
14th-Dec-2005 09:36 pm - Prosecution
blue butterfly

I'm only asking this because I'm curious if I made the right decision or even a common decision. These thoughts were drug to the surface by a previous post made by __modernlove .

A little background that should have no triggers: Let's dive right into it. While I was a child, somewhere between the ages of 8 and 12, I was sexually assaulted almost nightly and raped a few times by my step-father at the time. The timeline isn't accurate because, honestly, I don't remember everything or hardly anything. My therapists have come to that approximate timeline based on factors I haven't asked about because it's something I don't care to ponder on. I hated this man. I was afraid of him. My mother found out because I wrote a letter to CPS (Child Protective Services), never intending to send it, and she found the letter hidden in a dresser drawer. I believe I may have been 12 or 13 at the time she confronted me, all the while not showing a sign of beleif, with the man who harmed me sitting in the same room while we had this conversation. She stayed married to him for some time. Again, not sure how long. But the abuse stopped, and I didn't care to speak with him. A few years later they divorced, ridding me of seeing him. He remarried and the only mention of him was for my little brother, who was his one and only child, who visited him at least twice a year.

I never spoke of it. I didn't care to. I don't think I even knew what to do at that time. I told my first serious boyfriend that I had been abused, but never in detail. I've also told my husband about it, but again, haven't gone into much except why I get uncomfortable with certain things. I have recently, because of this group, started to get couseling for it and trying to deal with it. In all other sessions my previous therapists only know that it happend, not what or how. Either way, on to the current thought.

The issue: My most recent therapist brought up something I never thought about. What if this guy continues to harm other people? I never pressed charges because I had no support, my own mother didn't beleive me and my father couldn't be found. It just got swept under the rug. Then he was gone. Then he had a life, he had another wife, a dog and a house. Who was I to drudge all this crap up that no one would beleive just to do what justice couldn't. To ruin him. I know he never touched my sister. She told me of some abuse that I already knew of, and I asked her. She said he never did anything like it. And then there's my youner brother, the son of this man. He's a happy kid and enjoys seeing is father. I doubt anything is happening. But I never did anything. It's been a long time. I'm 21 in a two months. 8+ years have gone by. But since I'm finally taking steps to rectify myself due to the situation, shouldn't I prevent it from happening?

My decision: I've chosen to do nothing. I don't think I should ruin this guys life for my petty emotions nearly 10 years after the act. I don't even know all of what happend. How am I supposed to supply dates or times, to re-live this if I can't do it in a secure location already? I always thought I made the right choice in not doing anything because then I was too messed up to know any better, and now I think it's too late and I'd just look like the bad person here. Plus, my younger brother is happy. I wouldn't be screwing with only one life here. Many are in the web. And now I wonder if it was the right choice, and if it still is?

How many of you have confronted the world and tried or succeeded to put someone away for thier crime? How'd you get through it? Would you now do something if it might make a difference? I'm frightend that I made a bad choice. That there is someone out there living through this nightmare because I was too selfish. But on the other hand I'm terrified of how this will affect my life if I change my mind. I have too many problems already to try and do legal issues. I don't think I could survive. Am I in the wrong? Am I the minority in this group?

13th-Aug-2005 12:12 pm - rambling..

i had bananan pancakes this morning! yummo...

Had a bad day yesterday. prolly cause i've been so sick with good ol glandular fever. i swear, it screws with my nerves so much and i over react about everything and stress and then cry about nothing.

it's so flipping frustrating!!

Was thinking again about the fact that i am goin to confront again in October. After my confronting my other grandfather, you'd think this one would be easier. but for some particular reason i actually give a shit about what my nan is going to think. i hadn't seen the other one(mum's side) in 15 years and never patricually cared what they thought of me as they hadn't given a shit about me for the 22 years or so that i've been alive. The only time either of my grandfathers cared was when they could do their thing. And of course grandmothers always side with their husbands. isn't that the norm?

so anyway, i dont know why i care what my dad's mum is gonna say. She's off in fairy land anyway and wont ever acknowledge it when i say it anyway. I'm not expecting her too. But mayb if a grandkid says something she might actually stp and think about the crap she's put her ( supposed ) loved ones thro. she never listened to either of my aunts so why would she listen to me. that just makes me angry and want to defy her. but it'd also be nice to have a grandparent love me in some small, significant way.


it's funny how abuse is just the norm in my fam. I have no trouble talking about it, but it still hurts. i think out of the approx 12 women in my fam (inc. aunts g'ma and cousins)8 of them havebeen abused, had flashbacks and it is out in the open and the other 4- 1 has been lucky and the other 3 haven't had flashbacks. Bastards my grandfathers. the both of em.


So anyway, am off to sydney again in oct. and wanna get this final confrontation out of my hair so i can feel as free as a know i can be. Then maybe i can start picking up the pieces and have some kind of relationship with the aunts and uncles and cousins i do feel safe wit.
At least my kids(when i end up having em) will have one set of normal grandparents. I wanna bless em with that at least.

X0x0x0

beautiful cuz.. sorry if i offended ya with what i said bout nan. you understand where i'm coming from tho? you know her much better than me..soz baby girl. mayb things will change now with e seeing her more often???

might be a trigger??Collapse )
20th-Jan-2005 12:35 pm - just sharing with you all...
Brittany the Chipette!
Hello group! I am just checking in with what's up with me. I hope you are all well and the like. I am reading a section on confronting people in the Courage to Heal. It is kinda heavy. I have been really open with it to some people-my close family (mom, sis and bro, grandparents on mom's side and my aunt whom I live with) and my friends from college all know, and my best girlfriend. lol-it sounds like I told everyone! My dad, who did the abusing, is dead, and his side of the family does not know. They would never believe me. We've always wondered if he'd abused me, all my life, and they have always been very sure to make note that they didn't think he did. "He loved you so much" is what they say a lot. I'm starting to think though, I don't have to tell them in order to heal better. It would be nice, and there are times when I would so love to be validated with them taking notice of the truth, but I don't NEED it. Anyways-what do you guys think? What are your experiences with telling and not telling? I'm looking for understanding and different ways to go about this, so if you have a minute, please post back! Thanks! :-) -Brittany
15th-Dec-2004 05:39 pm - relative calm
thank you for all the support. after i posted last, i got an email from the guy and it reiterated that he was going to send me this gift regardless of what i wanted. that followed me freaking out even more, and sending the email to my supports on campus. by unanimous agreement, i contacted the campus police as well as the univresity judicial system about this, talking/meeting with both sources today. my supervisor at my housing job also got in touch with in response to my request, and he has been incredibly supportive throughout all this... promising me that this guy and i will never again be in the same area work-wise, and that his supervisor and the director know about it. the director issues a directive to cease communication with me to the guy effective immediately. the judical council director also is preparing a letter of decist... making it so he cannot contact me at all without facing repercussions.

and somewhere along the way it was no longer referred to "option 3," which was the 3rd possible explanation for these happenings that one of my supports gave me monday night... and into a "he's stalking you." not so sure how i feel about that... but hopefully it's over. it's out of my control, but it's no longer just in his either. if he does anything else, then the powers that be that i've talked to can bring about serious repercussions... so it's more in their power than anyone else's. and i'm fine with that.

it's been a long day of talking to a lot of people... but hopefully... hopefully... this chapter has come to a close.
4th-Dec-2004 10:50 pm - legal experiences anyone?
Hi everyone,

This has been x-posted to 4 survivor communities, so I apologize if you see this more than once, I'm really looking for some help. I am looking for someone who has gone through the legal process who would be willing to talk w/ me on AIM. I have a lot of questions and I don't have a lawyer yet. I think I'm going to do this, I live in Oregon, I will be 23 next April and the statute of limitations for childhood sexual abuse here is until the age of 24. I am looking for someone who may have a similar experience (I was abused around the ages of 4-6 I think) and the perpetrator was a neighbor (a teenage boy who lived at the house I stayed at when my mom was working).

Here are my concernsCollapse )
10th-Nov-2004 02:59 pm - My Letter 3
Dear Uncle Jesse,

I'm delighted to say that I am doing pretty good at adjusting to college life. I will admit though that you have forever filled me with terror of being raped again, that I carry pepper spray with me where ever I go and I took a self-defense class. What I have learned now that I did not know a month ago, is that you can no longer hurt me. You no longer have that control over me. Sure I still cry when I think of what you did. The thought of rape brings tears to my eyes. The thought of you doing what you did to someone other than me, like my sister, kills me inside. I wish I could go to the police, but I feel that it should be both my sister and I's decision, and she wishes to let it go. So that's what I will try to do, let it go. I don't know how long it will take, but I know someday I will no longer think of you.

About a month ago, just weeks after moving in, I felt weak and vulnerable, so I began cutting. I cut no because I was sad, but angry. Angry at the world, myself, you, everyone and everything. I guess that I just forgot my coping skills, and everything that I learned when I was at Western Psych. I hated myself for falling back into that habit, but I have since forgiven myself. It has been through God and Jesus Christ, my Lord, that I have been able to cope with the stresses of everyday life. It is through my father, my Lord, that I can find strength to live another day, to fight for what I want. And I know exactly what I want, I want to prove to the world that I am worth while. I want to prove to everyone that I am beautiful and smart and that I am not broken or tainted by your touch. I just want to prove that to you. I want so desperately to heal so that I can for once in my life give my heart fully to a man deserving, a man who will love me the way I love him. I know deep down that I deserve happiness, and I will not give up until I have it. I refuse to let you pull me down. I will no longer hang my head low, I will no longer feel shamed.

I will grow outward and someday be free, as a butterfly that has spread its wings for the very first time. And I will fly away knowing that I am someone, someone worth knowing, someone worth loving, and someone worth while.

Christine
yarn
Hey there. I'm new to this community, but I've been coping with the effects of my abuse for nearly 20 years now. I've been in and out of therapy with the same psychologist for about four years. I have a number of different mental and emotional problems, but my main problem right now is that I don't remember much of what happened to me when I was a child. I guess that's why I don't stay in therapy for very long. I get frustrated and leave, then get motivated again and return.

Anyway, I've finally decided to confront my abuser. He was my babysitter when I was six years old and luckily my parents still remember his name. I found out in March that he had been arrested for the murder of his best friend and is doing time in jail. That prompted me to contact the police in his county and report what he had done to me so long ago. I've been playing phonetag with a detective since then, but I want to have the support of my psychologist when I finally file my report and press charges.

I have yet to contact my psychologist, I just have to get my nerve up. I guess I joined this community to find some support, especially from those of you who have faced your abusers. I'm pretty scared about this whole thing, mostly because my memories are so near the surface and I could potentially find out why I'm so fucked up. Or I could find out that nothing major really happened and that I've made a mess of myself.

Here is what I do remember, for those who care to read itCollapse )
14th-Apr-2004 07:49 pm(no subject)
battered
I go by the name of Mianika, for fear someone I know will know who I am. I am only fifteen years old, and I know I'm not ready to confront my abuser, but only because I don't have the courage. If you would like to learn the rest, check out my journal. I created this journal and this name so I could feel safe, and it is a place where I can put my deepest thoughts, feelings, and secrets that noone I know irl will ever find unless I allow it. Thanks to you guys who are strong out there. I am strong, but not courageous. I need courage, and I offer strength. I hope this is the place where I can find what I need.

Mianika
24th-Mar-2004 09:21 pm(no subject)
I am new to this community, so just a brief summery of my life. My father sexually abused me from the time I was at least 5... that's my earliest recollection. By the time I reached my early teens, he also began to beat me up. Of course, over my many years, (I'm now 49), I have run the gambit of eating disorders, no self esteem, marrying an abuser at a young age, and after leaving him, consistently finding myself 'choosing' men who treated me like last week's garbage.
I finally confronted my father last Sunday. Of course, he denied it all... called me an f-ing liar, as well as other horrible things.
I worked most of my adult life on trying to forgive and put it past me.... Sunday made me feel like that little terrified girl again, and though I know feel some sense of power after having confronted it... I loathe him and what he did and continues to do in denying. At this point, I never want to see or talk to him again. Thanks for listening/reading.
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