Today is my three months no cutting. I have never gotten this far.. ever. And yet I'm not that excited.. I don't know why for some reason I just feel numb inside. Shouldn't I be more excited? And I can't even tell my parent's about it, I'm scared as to what they will say..
Each year in the run up to the anniversary of my last (big) assault I get some sort of emotional mess going on.
First year I got terrified. Last year I mourned. This year I am getting furious every other minute and viciously sarcastic whenever I open my mouth. I don't particularly like myself, and I've no idea how to apologise to everyone having to share oxygen with me atm without dumping my history all over them.
so its september 22nd and i guess that the reason i feel all weird and want to be secluded is because that day is coming again. the anniversary of my rape. my skin is getting sallow, im not eating, i've stayed inside more than i have gone out, i'm having nightmare flashes again and i feel overall very vulnerable. cut because its kinda long and rambling...
I really do hate my ability to remember dates so well. Sure, it's great for birthdays and the like, but sometimes it's an absolute curse....ten years. Half a life time. My only hope is that the bastard doesn't call me. Because I honestly don't think I will be able to handle that. Not this year. I'm just really glad that he and my mother don't know about Otakon, because if he came out here last May, what's to stop him from driving a few hours? I can see none. I know him too well. And I'm not going to be able to keep a knife with me. At least I had that last year. I'd like to sleep, without the dreams, but if the past two nights are any indication, that's not going to happen. And despite the heat, I really want hot chocolate. It always help. And it will get easier. But it won't ever go away.