wildwordwomyn (wildwordwomyn) wrote in _survivors_,

One Of Those Days...

Just don't feel like being here at work anymore. Got a call yesterday for an interview on the east side of town. Mail room type stuff like I do now, which is no biggie. Could do it in my sleep but I want more. Not only that I'd have to manage another person, and drive around town and be loaned out to other companies needing mailroom help. Is it pathitic of me to be scared of the driving part of this job? Haven't even gone on the interview yet and already I'm scared. Only had my license about 3 years now, and unless it's in the general vicinity of where I am now I get lost easy and hate asking for directions (read: "help") from strangers. So I think I'm gonna call back and decline. It'd be different if I was used to going everywhere around and driving everywhere by myself. But to do it "blind"? And to have to drive their car? Hell no! Makes me wanna panic! 

Called a shrink finally at my girlfriend's urging. The woman doesn't specialize in dissociative disorders so she's supposed to be looking around and getting some names/numbers for me. At least I called...Scared of this too of course. Never been able to trust them as of yet. Will I finally be able to do it this time? I wonder. Want to. To heal. For my sake as well as the sake of my relationship. Don't wanna hurt her by being so damn distant all the time when we're together. Never remembering. Not being able to imagine a future at all, let alone with her. Want more than to just survive. Been doing all these years and so far that's all it is. Surviving. Not living. Wanna live someday. Smell the roses and all that shit. Sleep a full 8 hours and feel rested. Enjoy making love. Find a career I love before I'm 50. Live, you know? Not just pass time. Obviously a little depressed...Ever been depressed and dissociated at the same time? The depression isn't serious because of the dissociation. Weird feeling. Anyway, I've written a book and I have to get back to work. Hope everyone else in this community has at least an okay day if it can't be a good one.

Tags: anxiety, therapy, workplace

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