shadowkat3 (shadowkat3) wrote in _survivors_,
shadowkat3
shadowkat3
_survivors_

General Confusion

After seeing the video/dance laceandtea posted and thinking about this weekend, this is what floated to the surface to be typed up here.....

For whoever's been following, I was AWOL this past weekend from the computer because two important things in my life happened
1) andrea and roxie (my step sister who's amazing and loving and great and my step mother who's nearly as horrible as my dad) had a huge fight on friday and andrea pretty much moved out. 
she left me when she told me from the start that we were in it together, her and me and matt, and she was here for me. she left and said, or rather screamed to roxie "i'm leaving and good fucking riddance!" steve didnt really care but roxie was in a foul mood so me and steve and matt pretty much just nodded and agreed with everything she said b/c even steve knows that roxie's completely nuts. even more nuts then he is. she's psycho. so we all just nodded and kept our mouths shut so she didnt swoop down on us. and someone keeping steve cowed, well thats saying something, and anyone whos read anything about steve will know that it is too
2)idk if this will work like i think/hope it will but im gonna type up thing #2 in white and hopefully it should come up when you click and drag over it and so that way none of us will have to see it b/c i dont want to and if i dont and im the one thats writing it theres no way yall would want to see it too
steve felt me up when alex was over b/c he told her that i was his property and there was nothing she could say or do to change that and to prove it he did that and when she tried to do something because i was just sitting there he reared out and hit her so hard she slammed against the wall in our den and didnt get back up and he just laughed and was like your superhero isnt a very good one. I'd ask for a refund if i were you, kat. and he went over to her and helped her up b/c he knew that i wasnt about to move to help and i didnt and he pulled her up and she groaned b/c her head was bleeding all over the place and he held her by the arms and her head rolled a little and she groaned and he was like there there alex really quietly and i just stood there. and her eyes fluttered and she said my name a little and he said she's right over there where you left her. and alex tried to move and steve let her go and she fell right over and he caught her and she was like "lemmego" in a slurry way and he said we both know that if i do you'll wind up right back on the ground. and she didnt say anything and so he just held her in a totally gross way and all i could do was stand there as the girl that stood up for me and got a split lip for me and got totally beaten to a pulp by all of her stupid fucking family memebers because of me and got a concussion from my dad because of me and all i could do is stand there while my dad held her and patronized her for what he'd just done. and so finally when she came to i guess, or more like figured out what was going on and remembered everything, she got all squirmy and told him to get his filthy hands off her and i squeaked b/c i guess it hit me what she'd said and what he'd done and i totally took it all the wrong way even tho she'd just had the crap knocked out of her and he was like your funeral and let her go and she nearly lost her balance but held onto the couch and he was like, all in her face and right next to her, sweetheart, you are not going to survive much longer if you continue to do things like what you just did.  I'm not trying to say that i'll be the one hurting you. Im trying to say that there is going to be someone not nearly as nice as me that will have none of the reservations that i do about killing you, or worse. alex's eyes flashed at that, but i havent worked up the nerve to ask why.  steve kept going, im sure you've had a hard fucking existance, and you must have more balls than anyone ive ever met, standing up to me like youve done and all the other fuckheads youve stood up to for people like kat-he guestured at me-but im telling you, your going to lose more then you think you will---i guess she got sick of being lectured and i dont blame her. he can be SO patronizing and condescending you just want to freaking stuff a grenade in his mouth and pull out the pin. gah its annoying. anyways she was like, what i dont want right now is a life lesson from a fuckhead like you. she sounded really sleepy but not slurry. he asked her what she did want, got closer to her and tilted her chin up with his hand. the next thing happened so fast i dont really know what it was exaclty. i think she grabbed his hand and flipped him over, and as drunk as he was it wouldnt surprise me if thats what happened. but he ends up doubled over and she knees him in the crotch and elbows him in the ribs as he goes down and when he's on the ground moaning she kicks him-hard-right in the side of the head. it knocked  him  right out, i hope. it looked like it did and if it didnt he played dead, becuase at that moment i wouldve. she was scary. i wouldntve wanted to have been there, if i could help it. i couldnt. i was still frozen there, at that moment just as scared of her as i had been of steve.  but then she looked at me and her eyes werent as hard anymore. just like that they were there normal shiny sparkly green and she was asking me if  i wanted to go to whataburger b/c she really could use a milkshake and could I? she had enough normalness and a bit of hesitation in her voice to remind me of matt again and right then all of my fear vanished. i said yeah it sounded amazing
that was all on sunday. ive been with her at her house since then. her brothers are gone. i dont know where they went and if they never ever ever come back it will be way too soon for me. her dad's around, i guess. but i havent seen him. After seeing what alex (who was used to her dad, i guess) did to steve, im in no hurry at all to meet her dad. 
we've been hanging out and we went to go and see the new pirates movie and playing guitar hero but we havent talked about it
im so full of questions idk what to do with myself
i'll put as many as i can remember up and see what you guys can make of them, if that's ok.....
why was i so afraid of her? its just alex, right? does what she did to steve (b/c it wasnt necessary. she hurt him on purpose. totally) make her as bad as him? what did he mean that something would be done to alex that would be worse then death and why did she get so upset at it? is there some meaning that i dont understand?why did i just stand there and let it happen. if she can do all that why cant i move??? why does she stand up for me if it gets her hurt all the time? why do i feel sorry for steve after all that?
 


i''d love and appreciate any and all comments. much luv and *internet hugs* to all, -kat

Tags: abuse: child, abuse: control, abuse: physical, domestic violence
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