browncoatrebel (browncoatrebel) wrote in _survivors_,
browncoatrebel
browncoatrebel
_survivors_

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Birthday Uck

It's my birthday on Friday. I'll be 21. I'm supposed to be excited. I'm having a birthday party, and this is supposed to make me happy.

But it doesn't.


Last year I finally figured out why my birthday is always a bad time for me. I remembered turning 12 and my father making me give blow jobs to him and other men, because "grown-up girls like to do that." I remember needing to throw up but knowing I'd get hit if I did so I swallowed it...what choice did I have? I was 12.

Then I had to come back to my grandmother's house and tell her we had a good time bowling, and we had a party with cake and ice cream and everything, and I had to act like nothing was wrong.

I guess that's why I'm dreading this party. I was really excited when I started planning it, but now I just want to call everyone and tell them forget about it, don't come, and I don't want any presents either. But I can't do that. My boyfriend's driving almost two hours just to come and crashing with a friend overnight, and I have an aunt coming from 5 hours away and some other friends driving an hour. They've all planned to come, so I have to act happy and all that crap. And I really don't want to.
Tags: abuse: csa, birthday issues, memories
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  • 11 comments

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    Many survivors have triggers relating to their birthday. For those who survived abuse as a child, birthdays or birthday parties are often a time in…

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