shadowkat3 (shadowkat3) wrote in _survivors_,


Update on my last post. Not nearly as upbeat

I'm twelve today.

I got 12 hits w/ the buckle end of a leather belt as a birthday present from steve


steve told me that if i told alex about what he'd done, he'd make me watch as he killed her

but he told me to call her, invite her over, b/c she said she'd celebrate my b-day with me b/c my brother's gone

so i did, b/c im that stupid.

alex came over, and idk how but she knew right away that something was wrong. she took me out to lunch, and noticed that i wasnt leaning back in my chair, i guess. she asked what was wrong but told me not to tell her. she said "i guess steve told you not to tell me?" i nodded back. "then dont tell me. then we wont get you in trouble, will we?" i shook my head. tried to tell her that it wouldnt be me it'd be getting in trouble, but she didnt seem to get it. i dont blame her, either. im sure my almost-hysteric nodding is hard to understand.

she leant across the table (at this cool restraunt called burger house. we got cokes in glass bottles and got to put quarters in a real life jukebox and pick out which remake of old songs we wanted to hear) and told me that she used to get hit w/ a belt on her birthdays too. i guess my eyes got really wide, cause she nodded. she told me that the pain never goes away but it gets alot easier to deal with. she asked if i'd ever heard this song by linkin park called "numb". i told her yes, and she said its sorta a bit like that. u get numb all over. she said she would help me so that it never got that bad. 
i asked why? wouldnt it be better to not feel anything? 
she said no. becuase sure u cant feel the hurt, but you cant feel anything else either. you eventually cant feel happy or excited or love. everything is the same. sad and hurt arent as strong, but neither are happy or overjoyed. they all become more the same.
she said no one should ever have to get to that point and even tho no one was there for her or lots of other ppl, there was no reason why someone shouldnt b there for me.
i wasnt quite sure what she meant b/c at that point i was pretty woozy and lightheaded.
she seemed to understand (seriously, i think she could read my mind. the only person who comes close is matt, but she's way better) and got up and we left and she took me to her house and she asked if i would b comfortable taking my shirt off so she could bandage me up? otherwise you'll keep losing blood and your headache wont get any better
i was so surprised i did and she had a blanket that i layed down on on her bed, stomach down, and she cleaned off my back with a washcloth and then rinsed it out and cleaned it and then put some alcohol smelling thing on it and then cleaned up my back with it and then put on these long white bandages on and taped them real carefully
i asked if she was a training to be a nurse (b/c my brother mentioned this pre med shadowing a doctor thing u could do in high school) and she chuckled a little and said just had a lot of experience w/ 'these sorts of injuries'
then she picked everything up and was like why dont we wash ur shirt? and i asked why and there were little blood spots all over it so i was like aah yeahhh. so she told me to go and pick one out of her closet! she let me wear this happy bunny shirt that says " you go girl and dont come back" and she put my shirt, the blanket, and the washrag into the washing machine and we played guitar hero (at her house!! she's got lots more songs then me) and had these lemonade popsicles that her brother made
then she had to take me home and when we got there she pretty much let herself in b/c she said let me go in first
and steve was just standing there, waiting
and she said i noticed that u arent very good at following instructions
i nearly died of fright. did she kno what she was saying? who she's saying it to?
long story short (as i'll explain in a minute)
she gave him a proper telling-off for hitting me and he grabbed her around the throat
he said for her to bugger off or he'd kill her entire family
she said plz do, actually. could u kill my dad first? that'd b great thanx
he was super confused, duh. i was too. i bet my jaw hit the floor
he said i should teach u some more respect and he squeezed her round the throat
alex: *sighs* aye....
steve: *drops alex* *grabs me* so u dont care about ur family. do u care about her? u must, certainly
alex: *sighs and coughs* *staggers over* [here she touched my back really lightly. i was really surprised and sorta flailed around and i mustve kicked steve or smthn... wasnt paying much attn... b/c then steve sorta dropped me and she grabbed my shoulder and sorta skidded me backwards along the ground and was like get--away--- and so i moved back as much as i could.  and she lunged at steve and i guess she had a knife or smthn b/c steve had a long cut on his chest that cut thru his shirt and bled everywhere. and they sorta wrestled on the floor for a bit 
and by the end i'd heard to loud cracking noises and alex was up and had half pulled and half helped me walk/me helping her walk to the front door. steves nose (face) was really bloodied up and he was limping and alex was worse w/ lots of bruises already and a broken nose too but she said to expect worse if he hurt me again and he said he'd look forward to it but he sounded different then he usually did. 
i figured its because he's not used to this much resistance. i bet when the good steve comes out it'll b really interesting. b/c after he's violent he's nice later. so this should be interesting. (more on that if anyone cares to hear it)
but alex said i could spend the night tonight but the only catch was that i had to be able to be really quiet if she asked me to? and could i do that regardless of what else i heard? i told her duh im an expert! and she said great!
so im at her house. she said i could do w/e i needed to do on her computer and she thinks its great that i hav yall on lj. she chuckled and said no one would like her when i told her she should make one, so if anyone wants to give her a few of the (million) reasons why to join id love it. cause i bet she'd love yall as much as i do.
basically, she said that most ppl like steve hav to get used to someone fighting bak. thats what they want. they dont want the sex, she said. (iv decided that i dont like at all how blunt she is. its scary. shes only done it once, but iv decided that i dont like it at all.) she said rapists dont rape ppl b/c they want sex, she said most do it b/c they want the control.
and if u take away the control and create an equilibrium (i had to look up that word) then usually things are bearable. 
it doesnt make much sense to me, but id ont want to argue w/ her. she's letting me stay for as long as i want and she (literally) tackled steve for me. 
and im safe around her. i can feel it. like im safe around matt. im safe. 
so im not gonna argue, for now.
at least not until her nose stops bleeding. i feel so bad.
but she's cheerful about it so thats good, i guess
anyway, if yall wanna talk to her, she's here. im volunteering her cause she's been scoffing so much at lj. i dont think she means it personally, but i think she'd like yall alot and that yall would like her alot and would help her as much as you've helped me. so she's been volunteered officially by me

<333333333333333333333333333333 and **********hugs********** or reading thru the whole thing if u did cause thats worth a medal at least


Tags: abuse: child, abuse: physical, confronting abuser, leaving abuser

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