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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
i'm not bipolar, i swear 
27th-May-2007 05:02 pm

*sighs* here i am again. ha ha tricked you! you thought you'd gotten rid of me.

I guess I have no real reason to be complaining. 

I'll be twelve in 3 days and my brother got me guitar hero II for my birthday and gave it to me today because he 's going to a soccer tournament or photography seminar or something

but, as many of u might have noticed, i was seriously sick of life a few days ago and it took a bump to the head for me to remember why im so greatful

I met this girl called Alex yesterday (she babysits on of my friends and her brother) and she's just like us here, but she's 16 and amazing.  right away it was like she knew how horrible steve was. she didnt yell at me or anything when i dropped a glass of water and it broke (i came over to my friend's house who she was babysitting? argh this wont make sense. I'll call my friend Amy)) 

So I txted my friend Amy and asked her if she wanted to hang out yesterday and she said sure! but i have to ask my babysitter and her babysitter said yes and she and Amy came to get me and her babysitter, Alex, took us to get ice cream and didnt get mad when we were back at Amy's house and i dropped a glass of water and it broke all over the kitchen floor. she was just like oh that's fine i drop things all the time. I'm pretty much the clumsiest person that i've ever met...and she just kept talking to herself as she picked it up, no big deal.

and when it was time to drop me off at home? i was reallyyy hesitant to get out of the car b/c steve was there and by the way he parked he was gonna b scary. and alex was like Kat, what's wrong darlin'?

And I was like uh nothing. It'll be fine. 

But Alex parked her car and was like well here, i'll walk you to the door. and before i could do anything, she had gotten out and opened the door for me. and so we went up to the house but steve met us there and was like Kat! like he was gonna yell at me but he finished real quiet like and said who is this lovely friend of yours?
And i thought alex was gonna freak out and i totally wouldve but she was just like and you must be Kat's father. How nice it is to meet you. 
And I was reallyyy scared for Alex because what if steve hurt her too? and she was so nice to me! 
but so when i kicked her when steve asked her if she wanted to come in she looked at me and mouthed 'i know i have a steve too' and said i would love to but i need a raincheck because i hav  basketball to get to.
she said to call me if i needed anything and gave me her number and everything!
so this morning i called her just to see what would happened and she answered and everything! she even came over and played guitar hero with me!! 
it was soo cool because she seemed to know what not to do. she never got too close to me and didnt treat me like i was 5 but she also let me talk and didnt get mad at me if i missed too many notes. it was amazing!!! she even said that she goes to school with my brother, that there on newspaper together!! isnt that amazing??!?!

but the reason i'm posting is b/c steve hit her. at around 3.
he had come in and sit next to her (b/c it was my turn to play then b/c we'd been changing off) and she was like hello mr mitchell do u like guitar hero? and he was like *stares* no. i hav other hobbys
alex: really? such as what *moves closer to me*
me: *turns up volume on game*
steve: *stares and moves closer to alex* oh u kno, the usual sorts of things...
alex: *voice gets higher* really now? isnt that fascinating.
[I'm not sure what happened. i was still trying to play guitar hero so it didnt get any more tense in the room... all i know is...]
alex: *pulls away* s'cuse me, sir. *stands up and jumps over couch* i'm gonna go and use the restroom
[there's a bathroom just across from the den where we all were. its got a good, sturdy lock on the door]
me: *turns game off* *thinks* shit!!!!!! shit!!!!! shit!!! shi!t!!!!!
steve: *follows and grabs alex's hand*
alex: *pulls hand away*
[idk how she kept pulling her hand away like that. it never works for me. i asked her and she said it was judo and she'd show me later if i wanted her to]
steve: dont u pull away from me
me: *heartrate doubles*
alex: i think i just did. *steps back* [she never turned away from steve. she jsut took a step away]                 
steve: *lunges forward and hits across face*
me: *flinches*
alex: *reels, stumbles back against wall, gets up* *clicks tongue* its very impolite to hit girls *ducks under steves next swing* cmon kat. we're leaving
me: *follows* uh we are?
alex: absolutely. *steps around steve* good day to you, mr mitchell. i will bring your daughter back before sunset but if she tells me that you have done this to her *runs tongue over split lip* or anything else, there will be repercussions.
me & steve: *jaw drops to floor*
alex: kat? are you coming? *props open front door w/ foot while she gets keys out of her purse* [ i didnt even see her get her purse!]
me: uh.....*looks at steve* yeah!
~~~~in her car~~~~
me: so uh i have a coupla questions....
alex: shoot
me: howd you do that!??!?!?!
alex: *grins* judo
me: you know judo? *gasps* 
alex: *sadly* [she looked really sad here. like really sad. 'her face fell' doesnt cover it at all] yes i do. i was taught by someone as nasty as your father.
me: *automatically* foster-father. wait. someone like steve?
alex: *nods* 
me: oh. i'm so sorry!
alex: *smiles* it's fine! sheesh its not your fault. altho, there's a kleenex box behind you in the backseat, would you mind getting me one? i'm bleeding all over my jeans...
*******************************
im mad b/c i dont know if she means it or not. no one has ever been like this to me before. 
*no one has ever been this nice/stood up for me like this before. not in real life. what if she doesnt tell someone? ive been home for about ten minutes ish and steve hasnt even looked at me.
i thought about the fact that he might be waiting to hurt her again if she comes over again and i told her and she said i hope you arent busy this summer b/c your gonna become my foster-hermanita (it means little sister in spanish) and i said iv never had a big sister before
i hope that she means it. but w/ my luck she doesnt and shes just being nice to me so she can go out w/ matt or smthn. ((its happened before. i had no idea ppl actually thought he was good looking. i dont think she thinks that (he had to go to work and hasnt been home since he gave me my present) btu even so. w/ my luck, thats whats going on
i really really really really really dont want that to be the case. she stood up for me. got a spilt lip for me. and she understands. she's been there. erm here. like us.
oh and its also the scariest thing in the entire world, watching steve when he went after her. there was nothing i can do. really there was nothing i couldve done, but i couldnt move. i was so scared. watching this guy who gives me nightmares going after alex. she's so much smaller then he is. i was scared he was gonna break her in half or something. it was so scary. 
im worried that he's gonna hurt her, but she didnt seem too worried. im not sure how to explain it, but she gives out this aura/wave of calm. even if shes not, she seems it.  its like shes been at this for so long, steve didnt even scare her. 
but what i think is the real reason she was so calm thats even scarier?
she's been around so many bad ppl that are scarier then steve that when steve came at her, she was so used to it and used to scarier ppl that he wasnt even a big deal
thats how she acted anyways
there just might be a God out there
i wanted to die b/c i felt that no one cared about me
but then i got 12 emails from yall and alex stood up to steve 
now i feel like i have a community behind me and una hermana mayor (big sister)
 thank you all, so much
**********hugs**********


much <333 from -kat who recently found a reason to keep on going
and special thanks to EVERYONE who replied to my totally emo post.
much luv to everyone who has been knocked down and knows the'll b knocked down again but they get up anyways to try again
-kat

Comments 
28th-May-2007 12:12 am (UTC)
Oh I'm so glad you have somebody there with you who understands and who is willing to stand up for you!! That is so awesome!

:)
28th-May-2007 04:06 am (UTC)
I think she is serious - someone willing to stand up for you against someone like that isn't doing it for any other reason than to do the right thing and stand up for you, if that makes sense. There's really nothing to be gained by putting themselves at risk like that, other than keeping you safe.

I know that for me, I had no problem confronting *other people's abusers*, even though I couldn't confront my own with as much calm. Sometimes all that would be going through my head is, "What's he going to do, hit me? I've had worse done" - so that calm from her makes sense. If she's a survivor, too, she knows what she can and can't do, and knows she doesn't have to live with him afterwards - it's much easier for her to be calm about doing the right thing
28th-May-2007 09:59 am (UTC)
((((hugs)))))

Trust is scary. In my reply to your last post, i told you about that mentor person that kinda befriended me. They give me a place to stay, talk with me when im desperate but something inside me still says, what do they want from you. I have to keep checking that i can trust them. And they make me feel totally spoilt which i don't really like, its just little things,like they knock on my door before coming in, ask me how i am. They got me new socks the other week and i still haven't worn them because i don't feel like i deserve to, socks for gods sake.

This girl sounds genuine and if she understands, she will also understand how hard it is for you to trust her. Go with your instinct.

Am really glad you found someone

28th-May-2007 06:38 pm (UTC)
thanks. but im still really scared. its exactly like what u said. 1) what does she want in return? and 2) i dont deserve being treated so nicely at all. so how do u combat those things? and thanks. im really glad too. but yall helped me get here. u esp. *hugs* -kat
28th-May-2007 06:57 pm (UTC)
Firstly you do deserve being treated nicely. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I do recognise in myself though, that no matter how much someone else tells you this you still can't believe it. Years of reinforcement that you ar worthless overrides every act of kindness.

I always wonder why anyone would want to be any where near me, because i am so contaminated and they must want something in return and i can never repay what they have done for me. I also get scared because if the people that are supposed to love you most can do this to you then what is stopping them. I feel like once i care, once i have handed over that power, i am open to being hurt. And yes it scares the shit out of me.

It has actually taken years but i have gotten to a point where i can tell them i am doubting trusting them and they don't judge me for it, they just reasure me. Sometimes i just need that reasurence and other than that you just have to ride it out and see what happens. Fate loves the fearless.

I know it is really difficult. If this girl truely understands she will realise it is difficult for you and if the subject comes up or you are talking just let her know.

Glad you are feeling a little better and happy that i was able to help a little, even if it isnt tangible.

((((hugs back))))))
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