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26th-May-2007 06:02 pm
I'm tired. of life, of dealing with everything.

I'm sick of dealing with being beaten and treated like garbage and worthless

I dont have the energy to fight back because then i'll only get hurt more.

I havent got the strength of mind to remember why i used to care so very much about what has happened and what would happened.

Matt says this word is "apathy" 

I say that apathy can do whatever it wants. I dont care.

I'll b 12 in 4 days.

And i couldnt care less.

idc if im coming back here.

I remember really liking being here and talking to everyone and being talked to

but at the end of the day? you all are scatterd across the country and maybe across the world and all the good its doing me is deluding me into thinking that somoen's gonna help me in real life.

you all still dissapear as soon as i close my laptop

so whats the point?

i love you all very dearly for all the help youve been to me and i wish you all nothing but the best

but i dunno about anything anymore and i dont know what to do with this


27th-May-2007 12:33 am (UTC)
I know it's not tangibly helpful, but my thoughts are with you, and I do hope things get better and that somebody helps you in real life. <3
27th-May-2007 02:42 am (UTC)
Hugs. I'm sorry I can't be right there with you hon, and keep the abusers from hurting you again. We're always here to listen any time you need to talk, and vent. It's not good to hold this stuff inside, and even if we can't do anything else, we can at least listen, and help you that way. You know you can always talk to me when I'm online, too.

Many safe hugs to you hon.
27th-May-2007 02:53 am (UTC)
I'm worried about you, Kat. I had no idea you were so young - if there is absolutely no one in your family to whom you can go to talk about things, then please talk to a teacher you like, a counselor, or any adult you know whom you admire and trust (however much you can - of course I know trust is hard to come by when you've been hurt badly).

You don't have to make them your savior and expect them to do everything, but tell them you need help finding resources in your area for someone you can talk to when things are at their toughest.

Adolescence is one of the toughest times for most of us, and I can't imagine how much harder it's made when you have to go thru so much hurt and betrayal. Find someone or someplace to offer you support when you most need it - you deserve that. You have been so strong so far, and I know it's hard to keep staying strong, but if you can find ways to do it, you truly have so much to look forward to in the many years ahead. You must be something special indeed to have made it thru so many trials - you could come out on the other side with more to offer and to share than you can probably imagine right now.

I'm sorry we can only be here for you on your laptop, but we *are* here, however we can be. Please reach out for the additional resources close to you. I will dream of you tonight, and pray for you, if you don't mind. In the meantime, my son would tell you that I'm a champion hugger, and so I am now sending you the biggest, warmest, safest hug I can project across these crazy internet wires. Warm, safe ***HUGGGGS***
27th-May-2007 03:10 am (UTC)
::big safe hugs:: No need to apologize. It's better to write about how you're feeling, even if it's not a happy thought - better to get it out than hold it in.
27th-May-2007 09:08 am (UTC)
Hey kido

i'm seriously rubbish at saying the right thing at the right time, so i am just going to ramble and hope for the best *shrugs*

I know you probably feel majorly alone, i know i always did and most the time do now. But you are not. I know when you shut your lap top it must get terribly dark and even more lonely but when you oppen it again you will have emails from people of all walks of life expressing their concern and how much they care. I know i feel great compassion for you and what you are going through, i can't help being empathic, i just am, at the moment it feels like a curse a lot of the time but actually it is a real gift, one you and i must hang on to.

When i was in school i was made to go and see a school councilor because of my shifts in behaviour, all of a sudden i was skipping class, throwing up, being defensive, self harming - mostly because i got injured and through all the shit basketball was the only reason i got up in the morning, the only way i dealt. Anyways i lied to this councilor because i did not trust her at all and i was paranoid about her talking witht teachers behind my back. I would cry as i walked away because i was desperate to talk with somebody. A year down the line i was sitting in the bathroom with a LOT of pills and i was so desperate i wanted to die, in the moment b4 i did it i rang her and she rememberd me and came got me. I told her about my abuse about two months ago after knowing her 3 years. She said she knew i was lying all the time and had known something wasnt right but what can you do eh?

She mentors other kids to and the other day i met one of them completely by chance. we come from completely different backgrounds but i know she was raped (god i even hate typing that word *shudders*) by her cousin when she was 12 i think. She is 19 and has two kids, i can't imagine how tough that is. But i realised if i saw her in the street i never would have guessed about her past. Its just funny how it can be anyone ya know.

I know when i was a kid i cried out in other ways. I never could speak of the things that happend that i didn't like, hell imade myself forget the vast majority. But i stopped eating, i was self harming, making my nose bleed, over sensitive, acting out on my teddy bears, cleaning all the time. It would be great if you could find some one (art teacher maybe) to tell how unhappy you are. You don't have to tell them details, you let them know you have a few problems and need some help sorting them and ask for them to point you in the right direction. Again i know how hard it is, but the first step is the hardest. You could also ring a child line, i don't know what the numbers are by you. I never have but i think they would give you tangible help if you want it or even if you just need to talk to a real person instead of typing, i duno. Just think about it.

Think about what you would say to me in this situation and that will probably give you the correct answer, however difficult it may seem.

I desperately want to die at the moment but you told me that means they win. I am hanging in there, i don't know how or why but i am, mostly because i can't get rid of this fucking conscience.

Your posts count to me, so take comfort that you are helping someone else out.

Ok i think i have sufficiently rambled

(((((((((((((((((((((((big safe hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
27th-May-2007 02:09 pm (UTC)
In a way, it's quite healthy for you to realise this. Perhaps I'm about to make a statement that could get me a slap here but, we're not always there for you and we can't always help you. You are right - when you turn off your laptop or there's nobody else online, nobody's there and we can't immediately help you.

But, you know what? That's kind of a good thing to keep in mind. It makes you realise you have to cope on your own and find ways to make you happy. Nobody can take your pain away or make you feel all better without you also pushing for it too. Perhaps this is just a (sadly rather depressing) realisation of that? I remember just how bad I felt when I was realising this for myself.

I suggest taking a step back from the community and having a long hard objective look at it. Perhaps think of communities like this as a supplement to you helping yourself. We can offer the kind word of support, we can give you virtual hugs when things get tough, we can listen to you when you just need to vent and we can tell you what we would do given your situation. But, sadly, it kind of stops there.

Best of luck for the future. I hope you feel better soon. And I do hope to see you back at this community again but also wish you all the best even if you choose that being here just isn't right for you.
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