shadowkat3 (shadowkat3) wrote in _survivors_,

Speak of the devil.....

no no no, this isnt about the devil or religion or anything. goodness knows theres enough to talk about there, but im not in the mood to be "converted" at the mo
just got thinking about the phrase the other day, and what you lot on here call "trigger[ing]"
thats what this is about, and as you can very well is gonna b triggering to some/many of you. please, i dont wanna hurt anyone, so plz, if your easily triggered, b careful and tread lightly?

it was only coming here that i even understood that that word, "trigger" meant things that remind you of bad things that have happened. 

i mean, my brother and i hav been avoiding "sensitive" things, but we'd never talk about them

and i dunno if things like me having humungo claustrophobia and HATING people being too close to me and or like when we played sharks and minnows during swimming practise one friday and you have to drag ppl to the surface and hit the top of their head to tag them?  well i was swimming across and one of my friends on my team grabbed me and i was trying to get away and i kicked him and he wouldnta gotten me up if he hadnt put his hand on my mouth for a sec. he didnt mean to hurt me and he didnt, because after he did that i stopped moving and struggling and everything. Stopped. Just like that.

Matt did that once, awhile ago because we were talking in my room (actually i was doing the talking) and he mustve heard steve coming or something cause he put his hand over my mouth really quickly (and his hands are huge!! hes a big guy, really. it catches me by surprise sometimes because he talks softly to me most times and he's really gentle w/ me mostly. it totally caught me off guard then) 

all i could think about was steve covering my mouth the first time he raped me and telling me that as long as i didnt move around too much it wouldnt hurt. i tried to move b/c he was hurting my mouth, pressing on it so hard and he laughed and said hmm maybe it will hurt either way then. 
it was the most scared id ever been and hav ever been since. idk but it seems/ed to me that once youve been raped once, the scare is gone (no, thats total bullshit. after the first time you know what it is so your even more scared then u were the first time b/c now u kno whats gonna happen and u also kno that its gonna happen regardless of what u think about it or how scared out of ur mind u r)
aah and im off on a tangent now and i told myself i wouldnt but what have you here i am

but the thing that i go back to over and over and over again is that theres nothing at all that you (I) can do about it. yeah yeah its not my fault and he's mad and blah blah blah. it still happens and its still horrible. more horrible then anything, i'd say.
and these things, these triggers, they remind you of the worst time(s) of your entire life. the time when your the weakest, your lowest and your most dirty. when you'd gladly crawl under a rock and cease to exist and trade anything you could find (including yourself) for a moment of relief.
stupid triggers. they remind you of everything you hate about yourself and everyone else.
and about the time when you think your ok with everything you run into some guy at the mall who smells just like ______ [enter choise person here] or you see some movie or overhear some conversation that just brings it all crashing down on you with no warning or anything.

like the movie good will hunting. idk if any of u have ever seen it but matt said it was one of his favourite movies and it has robin williams in it so i was like wooo! lets c it!! i dont wanna spoil the movie so i wont ill just relate a story that was in the movie and relates to triggering so if u havent seen it i wont spoil it but if u hav seen it (grief or if u google search it you'll find the quotes from the part i was triggered by) youll know. 

i was little. really little. i dont remember how old. our foster father before steve, roger, daddy guy.

roger put a knife a box of condoms a gun a belt a stick from outside and a bat on the table and crouched down and told me to pick one. when matt talked he hit him so hard that he fell over

so i picked the little bright coloured box b/c the word condom is all pretty and pink and purple with a happy orange streak thru it b/c everything else i knew would hurt.

matt cursed really loudly and told roger that it didnt count b/c i was too little and too dumb to know better. roger said of course we must honour the little lady's first choise
then my brother got up and he was way faster then roger and he took the box and threw it away. i dunno where he threw them or what he mustve done but roger was so mad. furious doesnt even begin to describe it. idk a word that does describe it.
all i kno is what i remember of roger hauling matt in by his arm and shoving him into the table and telling him to pick one and choose carefully
matt picked up the bat and threw it back at roger, who looked really happy ((after seeing the movie, i know that my brother picked the bat for the same reason that the main character picked the wrench. just to show him that he didnt give a fuck))
Roger swung the bat at me
i dont remember getting hit by it. i just remember glass, everywhere
i mustve hit a window that shattered because i had glass everywhere and i couldnt breathe
matt came over and was telling me to keep my eyes closed and to breathe thru my nose
then someone pulled me up and i was standing up. someone told me to open my eyes and there was a thump noise and i did
there was blood all over my brother and roger was holding the bat up again like he was gonna swing it at me and there was glass in my feet and my face was bleeding down into my eyes and in my hair and i wondered why that little box had been so much worse than that bat?

so when i saw that movie, i had a trigger. that up there is what i thought of. but matt was watching it with me and i knew he knew that thats what i would think of. he toldme that he wanted me to see it so i could see robin williams telling the main character that it wasnt his fault, it wasnt his fault, it wasnt. his. fault.
it didnt really help me b/c matt told me that enough anyways
but he gave me a hug and told me kat its not your fault. none of this ever is and its just b/c of them. not you and never you.
and that helped

i really needed to get that out there so any comments at all would be great

*hugs* to anyone who actually read the whole thing b/c i dont really expect anyone to.


Tags: abuse: child, abuse: emotional, abuse: physical, abuse: ritual, memories, triggers: discussion of, triggers: television/movies

  • Post a new comment


    Comments allowed for members only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded