shadowkat3 (shadowkat3) wrote in _survivors_,
shadowkat3
shadowkat3
_survivors_

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I've finally worked up the nerve to post...

Well I've been following this community and yall's entries for awhile and I feel like a coward for not putting anything. And there seem to be alot of people who comment, so maybe I'll have better luck with the feedback here than just on my livejournal.

I dont want anyone to be hurt by what I say, so i'll label the lj cut thing w/ whats on there, but plz be careful and know that im trying to sort everything out and doing it on paper because i dont have anywhere else.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I was having a conversation with one of my friends the other day about my being a magnet for perverts. Am I? He asked why i'd think that and I told him that because most of the men that were around me and noticed my existence wanted to hurt me. He suggested not so subtly that i was exaggerating. i said that id been molested by a doctor a policeman and a teacher. he said good thing i dont like texas cause there must be more bad ppl there than where i live. i dont understand it.  There arent? Right? Sure, I live in a big city and stuff but...there are bad people everywhere...there not just around me, right? I asked him what i could do to not be a magnet. he said that the only he comment he had was that i was only a magnet because i thought that i was one and my thoughts affected my reality.  
That made me really mad but i didnt tell him that. he's not gone thru what i/we have so i didnt expect him to but i couldnt help but snap at him. I asked so if i think good thoughts nothing bad will happen to me again? he said that he misspoke. i told him he misunderstood me. 
Was I too harsh? do these things really happen to me because i think that there going to? if i think that good things are going to happen will steve stop hitting me and hurting me? if i think that my reality is a by product of my thoughts and think good thoughts will the vice principle at my school stop calling me to his office and playing with my hair?
i dont understand it.
why should what i think about something affect what other people will or wont do? ive wished people in more pain than is physically possible, wished people dead, maimed, and eaten by zoo animals. ive asked and pleaded and prayed to men and diety alike to make everything stop. 
so what did he mean?
is it my fault that this happened to me? did my thinking condem me to my life? 
I dont like karma (even tho its tempting to b/c i would LOVE to believe that one day all of the people that have hurt me will SUFFER for what theyve done. Burn in a never ending hell a million times as worse as what they put me through, and all that) because the theory of karma means that people are punished for what theve done. so people hurting me is me being punished for something i did.
My brother, matt, tells me everytime i ask and most times when i think about it that i didnt do anything to deserve what steve or other people do. he says they do it b/c there either 1) had someone hurt them and they want to "master" it or 2) theyre psycho and just cant help it. there not excused, but there the human= to foaming at the mouth. 
and it makes sense to me. steve seems to hav some "triggers", as yall call them, just like me and matt do. it makes me feel bad, sometimes, which is REALLY confusing, but i do feel bad.
Like this one time, after the first time that steve raped me and went and told matt, he stormed in and yelled at steve (which is a really big deal b/c matt HATES yelling.) and i dont remember what he said exactly, i  guess i blanked it out, but steve got all still and quiet. he just sorta looked at matt, then at me. his eyes were so sad. i dunno why, but it made me sad. because if his eyes were as hurt as the rest of him, someone had hurt him real bad before. and matt just reminded him of it.  it made me sad. i guess im just a dumb little kid (what matt called me when i told him), but it made me sad.
ANYWAYS
Oh yeah
Well basically, here's what im wondering
1)   is it my fault? (i know, i know. "its not my fault" ive seen good will hunting too. seriously) did my thinking affect my life?
2)   is there any validity/logic in my theory that im a perv magnet? if so where do i get me some perv-repellant? and if not then what the hell is wrong with me that every male im round seems to want in my pants?
3)   how wrong is it that i feel bad for steve? (as mentioned ^, not in general)
4)   any comments, questions, concerns (?), or anything would be greatly appreciated. yall are the only ppl that know. so well, as much as most of me REALLY REALLY HATES to admit it, im pretty dependent on yall. 


kat

Tags: friendships, introductions, relationships, seeking opinions
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  • any number of things on my plate at the moment

    This is a really rambly post, so I hope I caught all of the triggers. - because of my housing situation being uncertain until last Sunday night (I…

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