Brittany the Keyblade Master! (magic730dreams) wrote in _survivors_,
Brittany the Keyblade Master!

My complicated love intrest boyfriend type person-Preston-who is an awesome support of mine, is scaring me a lot right now. He has started to look into church and faiths and such...he's trying to find what he wants to believe, and all. At our age (early college age) that's totally common, but I have such a hard time with the whole God thing recently with all the incest/abuse stuff. If this offends anyone, please don't read on. I don't mean to offend any of you-I think of you all as my friends and would never want to hurt you guys at all. I love having you with me through this battle, and am only venting and seeking help.

Anyhow, church has been hard. God has been hard. I was a radical-like-extreme of the extremes, ya know? And since all of this, I just can't. I know it's my mind being warped and all, because I know the Bible better than almost any other person I know. (not trying to be concieted, but I really studied it hard for 4 years, and I know that book) I take Jesus's sacrafice for me as a thing I should feel terribly guilty over, when that is not the correct context. I feel like God taking the sin I created out of His Son means I should take my pain out on myself, really to the point of commiting suicide. Again, I know these ideas are not Biblical, and I know it's just where I am right now in healing. But right now it takes me staying away from that sort of thing to stay safe. I went to a church retreat with my old church group and tried to kill myself, I am not safe there right now.

What scares me now is one of my biggest allies is going through all the church stuff. I can't be close with someone like that. And at the same time, I know what I believe to be true, even if right now I can't practice it all, and I want someone who believes the way I do...which he did last night...I don't know-maybe I'm just freaking out and overreacting. I just feel like I'm loosing one of my few supports-I don't have many! I don't want to be alone! I don't want that...and I do care about him...I'm thinking now I am so glad I held back out of fear as much as I did, but then again-can I ever really trust someone? I thought with Preston, rather soon actually, I would not have to hold back anything anymore. And now I feel like throwing up walls-FAST-and running away to hide under my blankets. He's not pushing anything...but we talk about getting married, and now I feel so pressured! I feel so pushed on and locked down-I'm trapped, ya know? And I'm not-all he said was "I don't think I'm a christian anymore". That does not mean all the things I'm making it out to be. I feel so lost guys...I'm so confused, and alone. I'm all alone. My only friends who have been through things like me and understand are scattered across the world and online...I feel so very very alone. Please...tell me I'm wrong...I just need a friend...

Tags: relationships, religion
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