pushed_too_far (pushed_too_far) wrote in _survivors_,
pushed_too_far
pushed_too_far
_survivors_

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when i post i usually spend the first part rambling before i get to what i want to really say, so im just gona go straight into it.

When i was younger i used to act out rape on my cuddly toys. I have thought for a very long time that it was just because is was warped and dirty but i was just wondering if anyone else who was a victim of sexual abuse as a child acted out in this way. Or is it just a normal thing for all kids to do, but i cant imagine i would have known about sex at that age had things of been different.

Also i am 19 and my knowledge about sex is really limited. I think people tend to think if you have been abused you know lots about sex from a young age. But at school durring sex education i didn't want to know, i see sex as dirty, i feel like it is wrong for me to be sexual with anyone, it scares me. I can't let anyone near and even if i did have sex with anyone i wouldn't have a clue. I don't even know what my female parts look like, i hate them, i feel like they are damaged. My friends talk about sex all the time but i feel dirty if they mention it, or even tease me about likeing boys. I haven't got a clue about sexual organs. My house mates talk about a girls clitorus (spelling?) and i have no idea what that is, but i could never ask and i don't think i really want to know.I can't look it up on the internet or anything because i am worried what sort of sites would come up and how they would make me feel.  I just wondered if this is normal, or if anyone else feels like this?

I really just want somebody to hold me right now but i can't let anyone. I guess i have to get on with my course work.
Tags: seeking opinions, warning signs
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