ElliKatFan07 (ellikatfan07) wrote in _survivors_,

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Update to last nights journal entry... no such luck.

Whelp I went into the counseling office tonight and yet again they said I could NOT ask for a female counselor and that I would end up with the counselor I ended up with. I ended up with the same guy I had last time, he remembered me and thought I seemed a little more comfortable than last time I saw him.

   I didn't even talk about the rape (and I wouldn't even if he asked) he just asked how I was doing and he told me he talked to some female counselors about my situation. He didn't use my name and said he didn't go into detail but just told them he couldn't connect with me.

So a female counselor who deals with sexual assault survivors told him about "a call for help" counseling services.. and she gave him a number to give me, and well we called it when I was in his office tonight. It was werid actually calling, I got the voice mail but it was like step towards recovery. I had a big smile on my face after I made that phone call to the lady. She's supposed to call me back tommorow, so let's see how that goes. Thing is is that I can't make an appointment until for after I come back home in June (i'm goin on vacation next week until June 2nd).

I feel some weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I have hope.

Question though, I was sitting thinking, I was wondering if it was normal to not remember a lot about the rape-- I mean I remember bits and pieces very small pieces, but I know it happened. This is something that makes me not want to tell someone every detail I can remember because it doesnt seem to be adding up, well it does but it seems like for someone to believe me I should tell them more. Is this because I have been trying to act like this whole thing never happened? I mean could it cause me to block more out?

I know none of you guys are doctors, but I know some of you have been through the same thing so I was just wondering if this was "normal" to feel this way.

I feel like i'm going insane.

All as I can think of is that it reminds me of when I was in my car accident almost 3 years ago... I lost control and rolled my car... I totally didn't even know what happened when I was just sitting in the car stopped, I even tried to drive away but notice my keys were gone out of the car, and I sat there for what seems forever trying to figure out what happened. I saw blood on the seat, I saw that my windows were shattered, and I saw I was hurt... but even when the police questioned me at the scene I was like "I have no clue what happened" Still to this day I don't know what happened, I know I was on a dirt road and driving down hill, but that's it. It drives me nuts!!

They say I was in shock...

so I guess that's what happened when I was raped. I was in shock and that's why I don't remember much. I don't know...wow I ramble way too much.

Tags: memories: repressed, therapy

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