However, I have realized that it is not fair for me to be putting my problems on her (I don't really want to get too close to her either) so I think I am REALLY going to the counseling office tommorow to talk to a female counselor. I just hope I can get one, because last time I requested a female counselor I was bitched at by the lady for even requesting since I was a walk in. It makes me feel worse about myself and makes me not want to tell someone even more. My instructor told me if it happens again, that she will personally go over with me and make sure that they let me see a female counselor walk in included:)
It seems as though every time I am about to make a counseling appointment or go to talk to someone I have this voice saying "you idiot, they aren't going to believe you, and if they do they will think you are scum." Most of the time I know that this isn't the case but I can't help thinking that a person, even though it is a counselor won't believe me, I always feel like someone is judging me.
I mean I can't even say the word rape to someone, I feel gross saying it... I feel insane feeling this way but it's the way I feel and I really can't change it right now.
I think this has possibly been the worst 3 months of my life... wait no it HAS been the worst 3 months of my life... I just want to feel like myself, I want to look in the mirror and love what I see and stop seeing myself as trash.
I have my very first karate testing on wednesday and my instructor (who knows about the rape) has said she will be grading me personally on confidence. You know, I know the moves, I have been showing confidence in the last couple weeks she even told me she was impressed when I was partners with a male and let him do katas on me. Of course I shook and he noticed and let up on me a bit and told me he would only go as far in the moves as I wanted him to. He is very patient and nice, I think that is why I don't mind being his partner.
If I am feeling confident enough on Wednesdays testing I MIGHT even be partners with a male... I don't know I'm NOT going to push it but today at this moment I feel confident I could do so. I know my instructor(s) would be impress, but I'd rather be comfortable than impress someone. We will see.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! for always listening/repsonding to my posts it makes me feel less alone in the world:)