madeupofstars (madeupofstars) wrote in _survivors_,

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i need answers badly. PLEASE READ! please...i beg you...

i have to get this out. it's killing me...i need men to read this, specifically; i don't know why they'd be on this site...but i need to know that not all men are rapists. So...I wasn't brutally raped or anything like that. It was at my friend's farm house. This guy I had had a couple casual dates was there. We all got wasted (Hell - it was the summer after our freshman year of college, we were on a farm, what else were we going to do?) I made the mindless choice of gettind drunk even though I was on heavy painkillers after getting my wisdom teeth out earlier in the week. I got too drunk and the Vicodin basically knocked me out. That guy and I "had sex"...meaning he shoved his penis into me when I was passed out; I had never ever wanted that...I have only had sex with guys I've been dating for months. That's all I'm comfortable with. Apparently I didn't say no...apparently I let it happen...all I know is that I woke up with a pain that can only come from something strange being shoved into a dry vagina...I was in shock.

This stupid STUPID event has caused very mixed feelings about men in me. The boy who "raped" me (I didn't even think it was rape at first because it wasn't violent...) didn't want to be called a rapist by anyone. He said, "well, you can think of me as a rapist, but I'm not, and no one else thinks so either." My girlfriends didn't believe me. All of a sudden the world was crashing down on me. I didn't tell the police or anything; I think it's horrible when guys get in trouble for making fucking idiotic mistakes...which is what he the same time, he didn't know until much later that I had to go through therapy, had subsequently lost my sex drive, and was paranoid about guys' motives around me constantly. I am starting to get through it all...but it really has changed me forever.

I have mostly all guy friends. I have a twin brother; I always have had mostly all guy friends. I remember distinctly during puberty that my friends who were all boys started treating me differently. I got breasts in the 4th grade. I was isolated. I didn't know how to really be friends with girls; I missed the way guys were friends with each other, I didn't like girly drama; I liked goofing around and making stupid jokes; I enjoy the kind of friendships that guys have with each other. Once they started commenting on every tits & ass set that walked by...I felt alone. Who was I? More importantly, who were those girls that they always talked about? Why were they so great? I felt jealous that those girls got all the attention...and I felt angry that all of a sudden, I was banished to a realm of existence that made it so I couldn't relate to my friends.

The more things change the more they stay the same. I have a group of guys I hang out with. They aren't goony masculine guys who treat women like prey, but I still don't understand their ideas about women. Sometimes I say things to try to freak them out just to balance the fact that they say lots of things about women that freak ME out. I told them the other day that I want to become a stripper so I can make lots of money by toying with the minds of men...I would hate that life, by the way, being reduced to my body. I hate that. It's not MY fault I was born in this body. I used to want a beautiful womanly body with all the curves and I have it. People tell me I'm exotically beautfil; I can see why...but sometimes I just hate being in this body. I fantacize about being a man and degrading a woman of the physical ideal of our times. I wish I was a man so I could have the privilege to humilatie someone else...not bein the one that's humiliated.

I hate these thoughts. Are all men rapists? Would you all take the opportunity to jump my bones if you had the chance? The more I dig myself into this way of thinking the more paranoid I feel. The funny part is, that I don't want to dominate men in the bedroom as a form of revenge...I want to be a man and do that to women! I don't know why...maybe it's because I've always hung around guys and I wish I could relate to them in that way. I have nothing in particular against women except the many that perpetuate their image as hot bodies with holes in them in which you can fuck.

I am so upset...I am so confused...I am a beautiful woman. I am a beautiful fucking woman and I even have a loving boyfriend and good friends...but I am distrubed by the littlest comments in conversation. I'm taking an abnormal psych class right now and I couldn't even focus on reading about sexual disorders and paraphilias...I had to once drop a class because there was too much content about implied rape...I can't engage in conversations about prostitution or stripping or any thing in the sex industry because I am so painfully makes my skin crawl.......

Basically it reminds me that, at the end of the day, i am just a body with holes in it in which you can fuck.

What is WRONG with me? I had this dream after the rape all the time: me, willingly tying myself up to a fence on the side of the road or something, sprawled out naked with a sign that said: "Please fuck me. Please fuck me. This is my use. This is my divine purpose in the Universe."

Help me gather some insight into my thoughts...these are things I am not allowed to talk about...literally no one understands, men and women don't understand for different reasons, and, besides, it's taboo anyway. I need to get out of my own fucking head. What do you think.........
Tags: friendships, gender-related fear/anger, invalidation, rape: acquaintance/date, rape: substance-induced, victim-blaming
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