pushed_too_far (pushed_too_far) wrote in _survivors_,

I am a survivor of incest, i wasn't raped by a stranger but people i knew. I have nightsmares sometimes that are like flasbacks and the pounding in my head is like some one banging their fist repeatedy on a radiator and the noise and the pain that, that would make is inside me. My whole body convulses durring these nightmares and i float above myself and see things as if it were happening to some one else, just like at the time. i also have false awakenings, where i dream the phone has rung or i have woken up and spoken to somebody but then the abuser is in the room, but because i think im awake i  feel like its even more real. Does that make sense i dont know. Its very hard to distinguish where dreams end and where reality begins.

Anyway for a while now i have been having dreams about strangers raping me. However this isnt what upsets me most about my dreams. As the dream goes on, some one close to me ends up betraying me in someway or another. I woke up this morning thinking, wow i actully can't trust anyone. If you can't trust your family, the people that are supposed to love you most and keep you safe, who can you trust. I just feel like the people around me could turn on me at any minute, so its important that i don't tell them anything that could seem like a weakness or they could use against me. I have been so desperate to talk to somebody but i always stop myself out of fear of letting them close.

Ok what i wanted to get around to saying was this; at the risk of sounding really warped and crazy (god knows thats how i feel) does anyone else have rape fantasies. I'm not talking about my nightmares of been raped, i mean like in the day. In the past i have quite often taken foolish risks with my safety, almost as if i was asking for trouble. I would fantasize about somebody raping me while im out running at night but the excitement in the fantasy is not derived from being wanted, but from the humiliation, danger and brutality of rape. I feel like i deserve to be used and abused. Like if it was to happen i would remember the pain properly this time and i deserve the physical pain and possibly the mental suffering. Then i feel guilty and ashamed for wanting to be hurt in this way. Does this mean i am somehow responsible for the abuse in the past, did i want it to happen. I am just very confused. please don't hate me for thinking like this i just wanted to know if anyone else does.

Tags: nightmares, rape: fantasy

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