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I am a survivor of incest, i wasn't raped by a stranger but people… 
24th-Apr-2007 06:07 pm
Brave toaster

I am a survivor of incest, i wasn't raped by a stranger but people i knew. I have nightsmares sometimes that are like flasbacks and the pounding in my head is like some one banging their fist repeatedy on a radiator and the noise and the pain that, that would make is inside me. My whole body convulses durring these nightmares and i float above myself and see things as if it were happening to some one else, just like at the time. i also have false awakenings, where i dream the phone has rung or i have woken up and spoken to somebody but then the abuser is in the room, but because i think im awake i  feel like its even more real. Does that make sense i dont know. Its very hard to distinguish where dreams end and where reality begins.

Anyway for a while now i have been having dreams about strangers raping me. However this isnt what upsets me most about my dreams. As the dream goes on, some one close to me ends up betraying me in someway or another. I woke up this morning thinking, wow i actully can't trust anyone. If you can't trust your family, the people that are supposed to love you most and keep you safe, who can you trust. I just feel like the people around me could turn on me at any minute, so its important that i don't tell them anything that could seem like a weakness or they could use against me. I have been so desperate to talk to somebody but i always stop myself out of fear of letting them close.

Ok what i wanted to get around to saying was this; at the risk of sounding really warped and crazy (god knows thats how i feel) does anyone else have rape fantasies. I'm not talking about my nightmares of been raped, i mean like in the day. In the past i have quite often taken foolish risks with my safety, almost as if i was asking for trouble. I would fantasize about somebody raping me while im out running at night but the excitement in the fantasy is not derived from being wanted, but from the humiliation, danger and brutality of rape. I feel like i deserve to be used and abused. Like if it was to happen i would remember the pain properly this time and i deserve the physical pain and possibly the mental suffering. Then i feel guilty and ashamed for wanting to be hurt in this way. Does this mean i am somehow responsible for the abuse in the past, did i want it to happen. I am just very confused. please don't hate me for thinking like this i just wanted to know if anyone else does.


Comments 
24th-Apr-2007 06:26 pm (UTC)
For starters, you can trust the people in this community :)

Many women have fantasies about being raped for one reason or another, so that's perfectly normal, especially after going through what you went through. In no way does that make you responsible for your abuse. You don't by any means deserve to be used and abused - no one does. Abuse, by definition, is wrong, so there's no way anyone could ever justify it as being ok.

Don't worry too much about those feelings, because almost every woman has SOME unexplainable fantasies. Just be careful when you go out because being raped by a stranger may seem appealing in theory (many people feel that way) but in reality it is anything but enjoyable.
24th-Apr-2007 06:30 pm (UTC)
I want to thank you for making this post. Before reading this, it would make me very angry when people told me they had rape fantasies...like they thought rape was sexy. Since, to me, the very definition of rape was to not want it I didn't understand how you could have a fantasy about it and thought what they were describing was rough sex and not rape. However, what you said makes perfect sense. While I myself do not have rape fantasies, I know a lot of people do and you are not alone there. It makes sense that you somehow want yourself to hurt or think maybe you deserved it and I have had thoughts like that myself. I understand what it feels like to be hurt and betrayed by someone you love and trust and who is supposed to be protecting you. I am so sorry you went through that and no matter how you might feel I promise you you did not deserve to be used and abused. Thank you for being brave and putting your thoughts out there.
24th-Apr-2007 07:09 pm (UTC)
It makes complete sense about the dreams - I have those kinds, too, where you "wake up" but you're still stuck in the dream.

And I understand, too, about the trust thing. The funniest thing is, in my lifetime, people I wasn't related to have been infinitely more trustworthy than my family! So it's all about finding people who listen and support you, and trusting them a little more each time - nine times out of ten, the longer they continue to be supportive like that, the more trustworthy they are.

And - YES. I used to have those a lot when I was in my teen-years especially (I'm an incest survivor, too). It doesn't mean at *all* that you wanted to be raped the first time. Your fantasies are completely normal - they are similar to someone fantasizing about self-harm - it's much more about that feeling like you deserve to hurt than it is about wanting to be raped.

Also, another part that plays into it all is that survivors often seek out situations similar to their abuse - not because they want to be hurt, but because they want to see if they could find their way out of that situation - like by reliving it they could fix the past.

So those two things together - trying to relive it to fix it, and then the feeling of deserving pain - combine to make it completely understandable why you'd be having rape fantasies.
24th-Apr-2007 07:54 pm (UTC)
Yes, I've had my fair share of rape fantasies. In fact, I still do. Plenty of women, both abused and not abused, have rape fantasies.

But this doesn't mean we are responsible for the abuse in the past!!!

There is a WORLD of difference between having a rape fantasy and acting it out in reality. A person with a fantasy of being raped does not really want to be raped. They may want to playact in the submissive role, but they must always know that they are actually safe and that if they want it to stop it will stop.

Stolen from Wikipedia-
"It has been proposed that for some who have actually been sexually abused, rape fantasy may be a way to heal past wounds by exploring in a safe environment with a sense of control. Dr. Michael J. Bader, author of Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies, writes: "It is quite common that children who were abused grow up and develop sexual fantasies loosely based on their abuse. ... The adult indulging in a fantasy of sexual surrender or abasement is actually saying to her or himself: 'I'm recreating a terrifying or traumatic scene, but this time I'm in control because I'm scripting the scene ...'"

You are not a freak, and you did not cause your abuse to happen. (Hugs)
25th-Apr-2007 02:41 am (UTC)
The others have already said very good things, so I'll just repeat that having a rape fantasy doens't mean you were in any way responsible for being raped. You didn't deserve to be abused, you weren't responsible for it.

I don't hate you, and you'll find this community to be a safe space to talk. I'm glad you came to us here.
25th-Apr-2007 08:30 am (UTC)
About the dreams: I have those too, or I used to. I have them much less now (thanks to therapy and Prazosin, a medication specifically for PTSD related nightmares), but I would wake up say, utterly convinced that- I'd cut myself, or there was blood on my hands, or whatever. I'm told those are a pretty common symptom of PTSD, unfortunately.

As for the rape fantasies- yeah. Parts of me- it all got tangled so much with sexuality, everything that happened to me, and they purposefully tied sex and pain and humiliation and torture all together, and made me/us say we "wanted it" etc. and- that's been a magor issue for us.
25th-Apr-2007 11:15 pm (UTC)
A couple of thoughts. One is that you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. Lots of people have families that aren't worthy of their trust, and that doesn't and shouldn't reflect badly on them. It sounds like you're on your way to choosing trustworthy friends, and that is absolutely the way to go. Also, trusting people, even the wrong people, doesn't say anything bad about you, just about them. You trusted your family and they betrayed you, so good for you and bad for them. What is amazing about you is that you're starting to trust people here, even after other people betrayed you. That speaks to your strength and your heart.

The other thought I have is that I was raped three times, "date-raped" they call it. And I used to do dangerous things, up to the point of handcuffing myself to poles in a dance club. I don't know why I do this, or why I have rape fantasies. What I do know is that one of the men who raped me also raped several other women on a college campus I used to spend time at, and that (this is awful, I know) while I felt bad for the other women he hurt, in some ways it felt reassuring to hear that he had raped others, since then I knew that what had happened to me really was rape, and not just Crazy Jayne asking for it. And I did use details of what happened in future fantasies, and the fantasies were more effective because some of the details were based on reality.

Anyway, I don't know that it's a matter of being sexually turned on by what happens that determines whether it's really rape. I think if a person doesn't want to have sex and makes that clear to the other person(s), then it's rape, no matter whether they manage to turn the person on (I'm not saying they turned you on, but sometimes this does happen with rape), no matter whether the person fantasizes later, no matter what. You don't want it, they know you don't, they force you, that's the end of it.
26th-Apr-2007 07:14 pm (UTC)
Thankyou for sharing that, it helped :-)
26th-Apr-2007 11:31 pm (UTC)
Hey, so I just wanted to say...about the rape fantasies. Despite my experiences, I have rape fantasies...and S&M fantasies...and, actually, a diagnosed sex addiction *blush*. I'm told, however, that it is very normal for someone who has been sexually abused or raped or assaulted to develop violent sexual fantasies and even sex addictions. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you really aren't alone. I know it must have been hard for you to talk about.
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