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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
I can't cry... 
16th-Apr-2007 12:24 am
I don't even know... It bugs the hell out of me. I think I have gotten really good at hiding my emotions from everyone (plus the medication i'm on makes me feel numb) even when I was telling my teacher I was raped I didn't cry not even close. I would feel like I was going to my eyes got a little teary but I didn't cry one bit. Even when I'm in karate class with the guys and they are grabbing my arm , I am so scared but I don't cry I just shake and lose all focus.

 I want to cry and think I need to cry but I'm so damn angry I can't cry... I don't know if this makes sense at all. I've just gotten too good at holding my emotions in and now when I want them out it feels like i'm stuck. I think of something really really sad  and even think back to the rape and I'll have a tear running down my cheek but that's all I can get! I just want to fricken punch something over and over and over again. So frusterated and I'm so confused... gah. 
Comments 
16th-Apr-2007 01:36 pm (UTC)
a great way to get out the anger, is to buy a bag of ice, take the pieces of ice & throw them into the bathtub as hard as you can. i hear it works well.
16th-Apr-2007 03:52 pm (UTC)
hum... I'll have to tru that, thank you :)
16th-Apr-2007 02:23 pm (UTC)
Maybe you don't feel safe enough yet to actually cry. Crying makes you vulnerable, and it could be that you don't want to feel that vulnerable right now. Punching pillows and throwing something soft at the sofa may help release some of that anger. Would it help to take some time to yourself, lock the doors and take the phone off the hook and just be with yourself? That way no-one will interrupt you, and you'll be more comfortable with whatever might come up. Just have something comforting to do/cuddle with or whatever if it all gets to be too much.

On a mod note, could you put this behind an lj cut and use a description. Something like: "Stuck emotions and brief mention of rape" would be good.

Safe hugs.
16th-Apr-2007 04:04 pm (UTC)
I think that is the thing I don't want to feel vulnerable.

I'll have to make more me time, I watch my cousin all day long (I'm his nanny) and It really helps to have him to watch because all I do is focus on him.

Then I have classes at night, that's when I usually start thinking about things because it's they are 3 hour classes and I get side tracked. I can't focus in class because the thoughts just start creeping in. I do for the most block it out during then.

When I get home I usually sit up and talk to my aunt or call someone (depending what time it is). I don't talk to them about me usually about what they are doing or how they are feeling,I usually tell them I'm fine and everything is good.

I do think if I were to just be with myself for a while and get out some of the frusteration out it would be great. I will have to try that stuff, thank you for the advice:).



16th-Apr-2007 07:32 pm (UTC)
It does sound like you have very little time to yourself. I think taking some time back to focus on you may be helpful.

Thank you for cutting this and adding the description. :)
16th-Apr-2007 02:33 pm (UTC)
I don't have any advice, really, since I've been experiencing the same exact thing since I started counseling two months ago, but I just wanted to send you much empathy.

*hugs*
16th-Apr-2007 04:06 pm (UTC)
oh thank you very much:) I'm sorry you are feeling this way as well it's no fun. *hugs* to you.
16th-Apr-2007 04:27 pm (UTC)
I know for me, I have more anger than sadness when I don't feel like I'm in a safe enough place to cry - so I usually either need to get to somewhere safe or get the anger out before I can. Sometimes it can take a few days to get to a place where I can cry, but usually either working on finding a safe place or beating the crap out of some object (usually punching bags or boards at the dojo or at home) will do the trick.

And I second the mod request for a cut - they're small triggers, but they're triggers, so please put this behind a labeled cut :) Thanks!
16th-Apr-2007 04:28 pm (UTC)
Scrap the mod note - you cut it before I even commented ::facepalm:: I should have reloaded before commenting! Sorry 'bout that
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