ElliKatFan07 (ellikatfan07) wrote in _survivors_,

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I'm new here... and this is what I have been dealing with lately.

I have sooo much guilt eating away at me and i don't know what to do about the situation. I feel so numb I don't even know me anymore.

A little over a month and 1/2 ago I was raped by my brothers friend. I didn't report it I am too ashamed of what has happened and I want to die.  How the hell can someone just take advantage of someone like that? what did I do  to him? why did he think he could do it and then act like it wasn't a big deal.  I have always thought of him as a little brother and now this. I have no use for food I get hungry but I can't eat anything or I feel sick to  my stomach, I cant look myself in the mirror i hate myself. words can not describe how much i hurt i hurt so much my heart is so sad and i feel so empty.The only person I told about the rape is one of my friends from a church here. I don't know her that well I should have never told her she acted like I deserved to get raped asking what I was doing at the time and how I was dressed, if i flirted a little too much.  I didnt say anything. I cant believe the only person who I can trust doesnt believe me. I have no one  to comfort me and no one to talk to, . I can't go to counseling cause i dont have money. 

I went to my self-defense karate class wednesday night and what do you know we did rape escapes... they asked if we knew people who had been raped... i just sat there stopping  myself from crying- my teacher looked concerned. I looked away and we began the escapes I was fine with the girl instructor was on  top of me and holding me down but when the male instructor was on top of me I started shaking sooo much i could not control it I had tears in my eyes and i screamed that i couldnt do it and for him to get off of me. we had group then to discuss these ecapes i dont remember what was said i just remember people talking... they asked for questions and comments. I ALMOST said it ,ALMOST but i was too terrified of what they may think. i don't wanna be this victim and maybe i did deserve to be raped maybe i did or said something that i shouldnt have... why did this have to happen?WHY?! God I don't understand!! am i that bad of a person to deserve this??

I feel like i owe my karate teachers an explination of why i reacted the way i did maybe i could talk to one of  them about it. I dont know if they'll understand but i need someone. i'm too scared to do the moves in class and i have found that i am scared to even be around men. i can't fail this class and i dont want them to think im not trying.
Tags: assault by friend, guilt, rape: acquaintance/date, shame, telling others, venting

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