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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
I'm new here... and this is what I have been dealing with lately. 
6th-Apr-2007 11:25 am
I have sooo much guilt eating away at me and i don't know what to do about the situation. I feel so numb I don't even know me anymore.

A little over a month and 1/2 ago I was raped by my brothers friend. I didn't report it I am too ashamed of what has happened and I want to die.  How the hell can someone just take advantage of someone like that? what did I do  to him? why did he think he could do it and then act like it wasn't a big deal.  I have always thought of him as a little brother and now this. I have no use for food I get hungry but I can't eat anything or I feel sick to  my stomach, I cant look myself in the mirror i hate myself. words can not describe how much i hurt i hurt so much my heart is so sad and i feel so empty.The only person I told about the rape is one of my friends from a church here. I don't know her that well I should have never told her she acted like I deserved to get raped asking what I was doing at the time and how I was dressed, if i flirted a little too much.  I didnt say anything. I cant believe the only person who I can trust doesnt believe me. I have no one  to comfort me and no one to talk to, . I can't go to counseling cause i dont have money. 

I went to my self-defense karate class wednesday night and what do you know we did rape escapes... they asked if we knew people who had been raped... i just sat there stopping  myself from crying- my teacher looked concerned. I looked away and we began the escapes I was fine with the girl instructor was on  top of me and holding me down but when the male instructor was on top of me I started shaking sooo much i could not control it I had tears in my eyes and i screamed that i couldnt do it and for him to get off of me. we had group then to discuss these ecapes i dont remember what was said i just remember people talking... they asked for questions and comments. I ALMOST said it ,ALMOST but i was too terrified of what they may think. i don't wanna be this victim and maybe i did deserve to be raped maybe i did or said something that i shouldnt have... why did this have to happen?WHY?! God I don't understand!! am i that bad of a person to deserve this??

I feel like i owe my karate teachers an explination of why i reacted the way i did maybe i could talk to one of  them about it. I dont know if they'll understand but i need someone. i'm too scared to do the moves in class and i have found that i am scared to even be around men. i can't fail this class and i dont want them to think im not trying.
Comments 
6th-Apr-2007 04:40 pm (UTC)
*big safe hugs* nobody deserves to be raped. Don't ever forget that.

If you ever need anybody to talk to, I'm here for you.
6th-Apr-2007 09:38 pm (UTC)
thank you that means a lot!
6th-Apr-2007 04:55 pm (UTC)
You did nothing wrong. There is something wrong with him. Also, you don't have to tell anyone what you went through unless you want to. Right now you should do what feels safe to you and take care of yourself. What happened in the self-defense class sounds extremely scary. Are you comfortable talking to the teacher about it at all?

Also, I'm sorry how your friend responded. That was a very cold and evil thing to say.
6th-Apr-2007 09:41 pm (UTC)
I want to tell someone but then once I start thinking of what to say I start thinking "what if they don't believe me" or "what if they think I just want attention". Eventually when I feel comfortable I will tell someone, I will see how i feel in class next week and if there is time I will pull my instructor aside and talk to her.

thanks for the advice
6th-Apr-2007 05:18 pm (UTC)
On a mod note: Can you add a trigger description before the cut? You were definitely right to cut it (and thank you for doing so!) adding "possible triggers: rape" would be awesome.

Mod stuff aside - ::big safe hugs:: I'm so sorry this happened to you. For someone to betray your trust like that and choose to hurt you is so wrong. There is nothing you could have done to deserve being raped - it is that person's *choice* to do that to you. You cane be in the middle of 100% consensual sex, and the second you say no and they don't stop? It's rape, and it's nothing you deserved.

I'm glad you found this community - there's a lot of love and support here, and lots of us know the various low-cost therapy clinics and such, so we might be able to help find someone near you, too, if that's something you're interested in. But yes, we're always here to listen and support you.

I think talking with your teachers is a good idea. I know for me, my Aikido sensei wanted to know that information (we also did rape escapes and such) so that we could practice the moves in a situation that didn't trigger us. For me, I practiced those moves with a woman black-belt, and slowly worked up to the pins with my (both male) sensei. They were able to slowly work me into it (first starting with wrist holds, smaller stuff) which made it much gentler on me.

So hopefully, talking to them and explaining will help you find a way to practice those moves, but without having to be pinned by a guy
6th-Apr-2007 09:47 pm (UTC)
I apologize for not putting what it was about, but now I'll remember next time:)

I am glad I found this community as well, it seems like a very nice one. I will probably talk to her about her working with me. As long as a guy doesnt pin me or do wrist grabs I should be fine. I mean I talk to guys in the class, its just hard to have them (or any one) in a way I don't want to be touched or grabbed.

thank you.
7th-Apr-2007 01:21 am (UTC)
Awesome, thanks so much! :D and you're welcome
6th-Apr-2007 05:47 pm (UTC)
**safe hugs** Nothing that you did caused that to happen, and I hope soon you will realize that. It is a choice within the rapist to do something horrible like that, and we just happen to be in the wrong place. It doesn't matter the kind of clothes you wear, or how you act. I have been half naked in front of male friends of mine (I was in band and we would change in the bus) and they could manage to contain themselves from touching me or doing anything innappropriate. Girls *everyday* are able to go out in short skirts or tight shirts and not get attacked.

It's horrible that your friend was not supportive, but what she said is pure ignorance on her part, and that is very unfortunate. There are so many myths about rape that our society has accepted because it's EASIER to accept the myths (where the victim is blamed) instead of blaming the attacker and having to admit that there really are people like that out there.

Please stay far away from that man, and maybe tell your brother what happened? Take care of yourself ♥
6th-Apr-2007 05:50 pm (UTC)
Also, I wanted to add something.... I read your public entry, and taking him to the cops is something you could think about, but don't feel forced into it.

Right now you need to do what's best for YOU, because your whole world has been turned upside down, and going to the cops will be stressful as well.

Good luck.
6th-Apr-2007 09:56 pm (UTC)
I do need to stop thinking it's my fault it is so hard not to though, hopefully with time I can stop blaming myself.

I now know that girl was in fact not my friend, if she was she wouldn't have said that. Even if she thought I deserved it or thought I was to blame, she didn't have to say it to me.

Luckily I don't live in the same state as him. I was on vacation ( to where I was raised) visiting family when it happened. I would tell my brother but he would probably kill the guy and I don't want him in jail because of me.

I wanna go to cops but I'm scared to, eventually I know I will go.
7th-Apr-2007 04:27 am (UTC)
Self-blame is very common among survivors, but never deserved. *hugs*

I had someone say something similar to me, so I understand how much it can hurt. Especially since, obviously, we ourselves are dealing with wondering if it was our fault. But we're both wrong.

As for your brother... Telling him is completely your decision, but if roles were reversed, would you want to know about one of your friends doing that to another person? Would you want to hang out with someone like that? I'm just playing devil's advocate, you do what's best for you FIRST and foremost.

If you go to the cops, we will be behind you 110%. Many others here have gone through it, so many people will be able to empathize. I'm so glad you found us so soon. This community is wonderful *hugs*
6th-Apr-2007 07:03 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve it, and to answer your other question, he did it because he could, because he felt entitled to take what he wanted, and because he didn't care about hurting you or not.

There are alternatives to counseling that will cost money. Many areas have a rape crisis center, if there's one in your area i strongly recommend you call them. They know of resources that might be available to help you get through this. Fortunately, you don't have to go through this alone.
6th-Apr-2007 07:03 pm (UTC)
There are alternatives to counseling that will cost money.

I'm sorry, i meant this to say, alternatives that may or may not cost you anything.
6th-Apr-2007 09:57 pm (UTC)
thank you for that information. I will have to start calling around places once I figure out some other things first.
7th-Apr-2007 11:31 pm (UTC)
You did not deserve to be raped,, you didn't do anything wrong. It had nothing to do with how you were dressed or where you were or how you acted. It has everything to do with your brother's friend being a complete and utter asshole. That girl who asked you such ignorant questions was way out of line.

It's up to you whether or not you speak to your instructors in the karate class. Do so only if you're comfortable with it. If you do decide to tell one of them, try to give yourself some down time afterwards. It can be very upsetting to actually say the words to someone else, and you may find it's easier to give yourself that extra time after to try and settle all the stuff that will come up. They may understand, especially if they've done this class before. I'm sure they'll have encountered other survivors, and they may have already guessed with how you reacted during class.

Take care hon.
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