LJ cut for triggers - Sex Trade, Pedophilia, Mother, Grandfather, Religion & emotional abuse...
I called her one day and she began telling me that her Father was coming to back to the U.S. after spending most of his life in Thailand. He moved there because of his job but also because of the sex trade industry. My mother will never acknowledge him as a pedophile but he is and I am glad I never met him and I told her I never would. She became so angry with me, she had the audacity to tell me, "when he gets here I want you to say Hi, be nice to him and don't bring up what I told you about." Well my reaction was anger and I started raiseing my voice to her telling her it's my right not to even see him. Then she told me that, "It's not even illegal in Thailand, he's 90 years old give him a break, he's sleept with 15, 16 and 17 year olds, they weren't babies." Oh gosh I about vomited in my mouth. I started yelling at her and telling her she was wrong and she had no right to force this man into my life. She then told me that I shouldn't judge him because the bible tells us not to judge and that if she wanted to she could open the bible and point to the scripture that says not to judge. This is why I feel like I am in a constant state of emotional fear. I can't talk to this woman, she's very two sided. She even tells me not to tell her side of the family about my abuse. Well what she'll never know is I did tell my Grandma, the woman she is the closest to and she doesn't even know that I told. I told her my entire story and you know what? She was very nice about it and listened to me and she promised she'd never tell Mom I told her. If my Mom would only LET me speak to the family about these issues when they come up so things wouldn't be so swept under the rug she'd see how accepting people are of me. But she wants to live in this constant cover up and I'll never understand it. Just the other day ago I started talking about how we used to be homeless, living in a van and how sometimes we didn't have enough to eat and she said to me, "we were? I don't think so." and then I told her, "Mom you must block out a lot of stuff because every time I tell you something about our past you supposidly can't remember a thing except for the good times." and she told me, "I choose to block it all out." But I know deep down she still remembers because she being one of my former abusers has the look of constant erasing all over her face. She's been forgiven, but sometimes I feel like taking it all back because I'd rather she faced me and not denied it all. sigh...right now I could really use a good chit chat with my life coach. People wonder why I have a hard time writing about emotional abuse, well here you have it...because I still feel like I'm in some small way being emotionally abused. How am I to continue recovering like this? I will speak to my life coach about this next Tuesday, she could not call me this week because it was passover, but I intend on asking her if it would be a good idea to just let my Mom go her way as I go my way and just meet in the middle during holidays because honestly, I can't fight the bull, I'll only come away with another bad memory added on to my life.