I feel like an emotional wreck. I work at a counseling center. One of my bosses is a therapist that I used to see consistently and now don't. Anyway when I recently messed up with cutting I told her.
She then told the Director and we had a meeting. The Director is a man. Logically I know he is caring and compassionate but when I am like this all men are bad. I am not sure that makes sense but it is just intimidating and scary. Basically they said that this was too big of a deal to pretend it doesn't exist and that if I mess up again they will fire me. I didn't really say anything because I was scared of crying in front of them, and scared of not being able to stop.
I am supposed to go over to her house tomorrow and talk about everything.
I am just hurting right now. I see his face when I go to sleep at night, and by his I mean the guy who made me a slut. I feel him on top of me like I am suffercating. I don't want to tell her this, I don't want to talk about it. Cutting makes people like him not want to touch me, and it allows me to control the hurt. I don't want to die but I don't want to fight this anymore. I want to cry and be scared and vulnerable and at the same time those things scare the hell out of me. I need help. I hate saying that. He made me need help. He made me weak and scared. I hate him. I hate him