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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
I give in 
4th-Apr-2007 08:55 pm


I feel like an emotional wreck. I work at a counseling center. One of my bosses is a therapist that I used to see consistently and now don't. Anyway when I recently messed up with cutting I told her.
She then told the Director and we had a meeting. The Director is a man. Logically I know he is caring and compassionate but when I am like this all men are bad. I am not sure that makes sense but it is just intimidating and scary. Basically they said that this was too big of a deal to pretend it doesn't exist and that if I mess up again they will fire me. I didn't really say anything because I was scared of crying in front of them, and scared of not being able to stop.

I am supposed to go over to her house tomorrow and talk about everything.
I am just hurting right now. I see his face when I go to sleep at night, and by his I mean the guy who made me a slut. I feel him on top of me like I am suffercating. I don't want to tell her this, I don't want to talk about it. Cutting makes people like him not want to touch me, and it allows me to control the hurt. I don't want to die but I don't want to fight this anymore. I want to cry and be scared and vulnerable and at the same time those things scare the hell out of me. I need help. I hate saying that. He made me need help. He made me weak and scared. I hate him. I hate him
Comments 
5th-Apr-2007 02:49 am (UTC)
I'm sorry this happened to you. As far a counseling goes, i think it would be a good thing if you can get a new therapist and not rely on a co-worker and have it affect your job. Safe hugs.
5th-Apr-2007 02:55 am (UTC)
Thanks...It is a hard relationship to balance. I trust her, which has been a really big step. I tried going to another counselor but she felt too clinical. I didn't feel like she had any reason to care about me. The people I work with are Christians, we go to church together, hang out together, and work together. I am the youngest by ten years (at least)...I think that they really care about me and want me to succeed they just don't know how else to get me to stop
5th-Apr-2007 01:28 pm (UTC)
it seems like she betrayed your trust by going to your boss. i agree with sweetgingertea. in order to keep having them as close friends/family, it may be better to seek a counselor outside of the situation.

i am in awe of you, by the way, for working in a counseling center. that shows amazing strength! i hope you realize just how strong you are.

safe hugs.
5th-Apr-2007 02:55 am (UTC)
I think that threatening to fire you over this is just messed up and wrong. I understand it's a counseling center, but you can still help others even if you're having a hard time personally. I definately wouldn't trust anyone there again, if it were me. I like the suggestion sweetgingertea made of going elsewhere for your counseling.

Is what they're doing even legal?!

Safe hugs hon.
5th-Apr-2007 03:00 am (UTC)
I agree with what you said, and I believe that I can still be effective regardless of what I am personally struggling with. They don't agree with me.
I think what they are thinking about is that they are trying to give me a reason to fight. I have no family, and I don't have a sig. relationship. All I have is my job and those relationships. I don't agree with them, but It is there decision. I just wish that they were more understanding that when you can't sleep you can't be rational instead of just seeing me mess up
5th-Apr-2007 03:07 am (UTC)
Let alone the fact that what you do in your personal life is none of their business, as long as it doesn't affect your job.
5th-Apr-2007 03:10 am (UTC)
I tried so hard to explain that. But like I said I was intimidated in the situation. I was scared to open my mouth and say something. I didn't want to cry or be vulnerable. I knew if I went there then I couldn't gain composure again.
I told them I have never let me home life effect my job and they said I did an amazing job at keeping them separate and that they couldn't do it.

They said that if they let me continue to cut and that wouldn't be caring for me...
I felt like that was a crap answer but I just feel like crap right now
5th-Apr-2007 03:22 am (UTC)
It is a crap answer. There's a difference between getting you help for cutting, and threatening to fire you. One shows they truly care, the other simply adds to your stress, thus making it even more difficult not to cut.
5th-Apr-2007 03:19 am (UTC)
It's so hard for you to be in the position you're in - you deserve to have the right to slip up, like everyone else, and it sucks that you're in a position where you could lose your job for being *normal* and making mistakes.

Sending you lots of love, hugs, and support.
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