briar_witch (briar_witch) wrote in _survivors_,

Repost for gabrielledumb

I need some advice.

I was reading The Courage to Heal today, and I haven't been ok. I have been diagnosed with panic disorder, PTSD, and have had many experiences with disassociation. I have been dealing with it all pretty well lately; I am in a very stable and good relationship. My previous problems still follow me, but I am able to deal with it all a lot better.
I was 'taken advantage of' 2 summers ago, and have been to therapy since. I was touched while passed out at a party. In therapy, I have also dealt with the past experience of my little sister having cancer. These were the supposed causes to my problems. I have always felt like I was missing something, though. There are huge parts of my childhood that I still can't remember. My extreme panic attacks always happen at night, and usually in my bed, as I'm trying to fall asleep. I often feel like I am falsley feeling things, even in the previously mentioned abuse. I'm scared to talk about the possibility that I am hinting at, which is that I may have been abused as child. I feel sick and disgusting when my boyfrind attempts to touch me, and although he is very understanding, I feel as if I am doing something wrong if I don't want to do anything sexual.
I guess I'm just hoping for a voice to tell me that I'm not some sicko making up crazy fantasies.. but maybe I am. I feel like I can't trust any of my intuitions right now, and I am very scared.

Thank you.
I posted this in vaginapagina as well.
Tags: dissociation, inappropriate touching, panic attacks, ptsd, substance/drug abuse

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