Ryan (hum0hallelujah) wrote in _survivors_,

Hi, first post

I'm sorry to bother you guys, I just don't know what to do and I can't talk to anyone.

My names Ryan, I'm 18, and I'm really really scared.

yesterday, my boyfriend put me in hospital, which is where I'm writing this from as they let me have my laptop. my friends don't believe me (I have a history of self injury by banging, and they think I'm making up stories to cover up that I'm doing it again) and I don't have anywhere to turn. he beat me unconcious and raped me. I just hurt. I'm so confused.

Frank has been beating me up for about nine months of our eleven month relationship, and fucking me whenever he feels like it for pretty much the same amount of time, with or without my consent. 

I feel stupid and gullible for letting things get this far. I should have stopped him the first time he slapped me. its my fault really, I know it is. he wouldn't be like this if I was a better person and did what he said and didn't talk back. he's so nice to me in public...which is probably why no one believes me. its like he's a different person the moment we get through the front door. most nights I end up sleeping in the bathtub, hiding behind the locked bathrrom door as he either smashes things or goes out with his friends to get wasted. I shouldn't make him angry, why am I so stupid?

I tried to leave him and he turned up as I was about to go. I couldn't lie, I had my bags. I didn't have anywhere to go, but I had my bags.

it was never that bad before. I shouldn't have tried to leave, that was really stupid. he dragged me back inside. I thought he was going to kill me. I thought I was really going to die. I wasn't even scared of dying, I just wanted it to stop. if Simon hadn't come over in the morning I would still be lying on the floor. probably not breathing, and not noticing if I was breathing or not. 

Frank always knows just what to say to me. he knows when to tell me I'm fat and disgusting, punishing me by making me throw up (bulimic). he knows when to tell me I'm ugly or stupid or a pansy or anything else that's glaringly wrong with me. its for my own good, I have to know what my faults are to correct them, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. sometimes he tells me I'm beautiful. 

my friends (not the previous group who think I'm lying) persuaded me to allow the hospital to do a rape kit on me, so that Frank will stop doing this to me. I'm regretting it now. he said I'd be betraying him if I had it done...

I'm so confused. its like he's inside my head and I can't have a clear thought without him. I love him, but he hurts me. its not right, but its what I deserve. I want to leave him, but I can't. 

I don't know if I did the right thing or not. now he's going to get in huge trouble and so will I. I don't want to get him in trouble.

I'm sorry it's so scrappy and disconnected, my head is really messed up right now. 

someone help me? please?

Tags: domestic violence, guilt, hospitalization, leaving abuser, rape: intimate partner

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